|
|
|
|
Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: If you dug this piece, please to write to Tim Miller and send him your e-mail address (for a .pdf copy) or your home address (for a paper copy) and he'll get you a copy of the terrific Noxious Minutiae 'zine. Worth your time. "heroin bathroom" "funny queer meaning" "Renata Adler alive" "judo bikini" "hardcore haircuts" "large black Cokes" "origin of shrinking book character" "why I hate mental retards" |
07.17.2004
Longtime readers of this site may remember that God, creator of the universe and lord or all mankind, occassionally stops by and answers your questions. Well, I'm sorry to report that the bastard has left me for another outfit. My reluctance to give him a co-author credit, and my esteemed competition's unmatchable offer of a tin of Almond Roca as a signing bonus, has led Him to take His column over to Noxious Minutiae. Here's his first. Hello, readers! God here. You may know me from my work as supreme deity of the entire universe, creator of all that exists, and final arbiter of the fates of all the souls of mankind, or from my guest appearances in John Denver movies and the liner notes of rap records. The editor of this fine publication asked me to write this column, in which I answer important questions from you, my creations. At first I thought I would be too busy, but my afternoon tennis lessons were cancelled and I just hired an au pair to take care of my youngest son, God Jr., so as it turned out, I had plenty of time. Some people have asked, why would God answer questions in a small-circulation underground magazine when he won’t answer the prayers of untold millions? Simple: because the readers of this publication are blessed and hold my favor, while those filthy fucks who pester me with prayers all the time are the scum of the earth and are all going right to hell. Enough of my chitter-chatter! Let’s get right to your questions. Launchpad McQuack asks, “Why is orange?” I bet you think you’re pretty funny, with this crazy question and your made-up name, don’t you, ‘Launchpad McQuack’? What, don’t you think I really know who you are? I’m omniscient, genius. I know who you are, why you’re asking, and what you were jerking off to on the train last month. Anyway, to answer your question, ‘orange’ exists because I wanted a word with which nothing rhymes. Why? Because there’s nothing I enjoy more than torturing poets. Julie asks, “Do you wear pants?” Are you coming on to me? Because I’m not doing anything Friday night, if you are. The answer is, no, I do not wear pants. I wear robes, partly because I find pants restrictive and partly because I’ve been wearing robes for all of eternity and I’m too old to change now. However, I do not have any specific objection to the wearing of pants, as long as you don’t get all smart and call them ‘dungarees’ or something. Tim asks, “We know you didn’t send AIDS to punish the gays, because the weather is always perfect on Gay Pride weekend. So why did you send AIDS?” Oh, you know, do you? I guess you’re smarter than God, then, Mr. Fancy Face. The fact is, I did send AIDS to punish the gays. The good weather on Pride weekend is just to torture them with the knowledge of what they’re going to be missing when they die horribly and go to hell. As it happens, every disease exists because I sent it to punish someone. I sent cancer to punish smokers, heart disease to punish fat people, and Alzheimer’s disease to punish people who get old. Contrary to a lot of the happy horseshit peddled by evangelists these days, everything bad that ever happens is the result of me punishing someone for something. That’s pretty much all I do. Shira asks, “Every time I masturbate, a cute fuzzy bunny rabbit dies. How is that fair to the bunny rabbit.” She further inquires, “This does something for me. Does that make me a sinner?” Shira, do me a favor. Look through the Bible. You know the book? It’s the one I wrote, to tell you cocksuckers what to do? Okay. Go through it, and find me where it says that life is fair. Here is why I cause bunnies to explode when you pleasure yourself: (a) because I like killing bunnies and (b) because I don’t like you whacking it. So cut it out, or I’ll step up to kittens. To answer the second question, yes, it does make you a sinner. However, the fact that it also does something for me does not make me a sinner, because I am perfect. Isn’t that awesome? Rob asks, “Don’t you think that because you knew all along what we would become that perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to give us free will, and that in the end original sin started with the concept of God and not man?” Let me answer your question with a question, Rob: Do you know what happens to people who think they know better than God? The answer, if you didn’t already know, is that they die and go to Hell and a demon spends nine hours a day for ten thousand years shoving a plumber’s snake that’s been marinating in Clorox and Doberman spunk up your ass and out your nostril. How does that sound? Does that sound fun? Okay. As to your inquiry, I gave you free will because I thought it would be funny to see you make wrong decisions so I could punish you for doing so. And I was right! Aaron asks, “What is the ground-rule double?” It depends on the ballpark. For example, here in Heaven, at J. Edgar Hoover Memorial Stadium, any balls that are incinerated by the divine radiance emanating from the center-field bleachers is an automatic two-bagger. Matt asks, “If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands buttered side down, what happens when you strap a piece of buttered bread to the back of a cat?” Don’t you kids have anything better to do than ask these ridiculous questions? I created an entire world for you people, filled with reckless sin and abandon, and you spend all your time buttering cats. To answer your question, though I have no idea why you should, you are basing your query on faulty assumptions. A cat does not always land on its feet – for example, if you cut its lets off. In the scenario you describe, whichever object weighed more (the cat or the bread) would land in the expected manner. However, be aware that if you butter bread on both sides and then drop it, it will create a paraphysical paradox that likely will destroy the universe, so don’t be a smartass. Finally, Gasher asks “Why are you so popular with Southerners and prisoners?” Because some people know how to do what they’re told. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "The analysis of character is the highest human entertainment." (Isaac Bashevis Singer) |