LUDIC LOG

Thanks to Andy Knight for the inspirato.

DM - Who's on point?

K - Hillyard.

H - The hell I am!

B - You are, Hilly. You agreed to run point for me when I sold you my +2 short sword back in East Wind Dell.

H - Fuck.

DM - Okay.

K - What was that roll for?

DM - None of your business.

K - I'll give you two hundred gold pieces if you tell me what the roll was for. Was it a wandering monster?

DM - You gotta be kidding. Two hundred gold pieces? Don't insult me. Have you got anything of real value to offer?

K - Uh...I'm a little light.

B - I bet your girlfriend isn't a little light.

H - She's a leech, Kevin.

K - Fuck you guys. At least I have a girlfriend.

B - Suboptimal, Kevin. Totally suboptimal.

DM - Are we going to talk about Kevin's girlfriend, or are we going to come to a Pareto-preferred outcome for this roll?

B - I got five bucks.

K - Hold on, Benny. What's the five bucks for, Rich?

DM - It's for the roll. I told you.

K - What about the roll?

DM - For...look, you don't think I'm gonna cheat you, do you, Kevin?

K - Get me a standard contract, Benny.

B - Where's that?

H - It's in the back of the Player's Handbook.

K - No, that's the character sheet. The contract is in the DM Guide, Libertarian Edition.

DM - Fine, fine.

K - The five gets me what kind of roll it is...

DM - Okay, I'll just write it up, and --

K - ...and the result.

DM - For five bucks? Forget it.

K - Ten.

DM - This is an important roll.

K - I only got five, plus...

H - Ten plus the rest of these Funyuns.

DM - Deal.

K - Good job, Hilly.

DM - Okay. You called it. It's a wandering monster roll, and...

B - Man, what a waste of money.

DM - You want to hear the result or not?

K - Might as well.

DM - It's a rust monster.

K - What?

H - Fuck that. I'm not fighting one of those.

B - How can you do that to us, Rich? What did we do to you? Was is that big scene with the Customs and Duties Officer at Rivenrock?

DM - Look, guys. That's just what I rolled. It's just the luck of the dice.

H - Those things are walking wealth-confiscators. They represent punitive taxation. They're living symbols of the leechlike qualities of the state. I am not fighting a rust monster.

K - All right, Rich. Let's talk brass tacks. What's it gonna take?

DM - Kevin, you know the rules. I can't just re-roll it.

K - So what are we looking at?

DM - A buck to move the roll by one in either direction.

B - Okay, so...let's see...where does eighteen bucks get us?

DM - Hobgoblins. Uh...nine of them.

B - If I make it an even twenty?

DM - Still hobgoblins, but only six.

K - Whattya think, guys?

B - Better than that goddamn rust monster.

H - Hobgoblins are pretty tough, though.

B - Yeah, and they don't carry a lot of cash.

H - Where does that leave our internal cost/benefit calculus?

K - PB is still greater than p*f.

H - I say we do it.

B - Yeah. We don't want a repeat of what happened with Tyler.

K - Why do you keep bringing Tyler up, Benny?

B - He was a good party member, man. He was our friend. And we left him behind.

H - We've been over this and over this...

B - It doesn't make it right.

DM - Look, guys, I need a decision.

K - Benny, I didn't want to hand Tyler over to that frost giant. But you elected me team leader to do a job. And my job is to do anything within the rules to maximize profits for our shareholders.

H - It would have been immoral not to sell Tyler in exchange for our freedom.

K - Six hobgoblins?

DM - Yep.

K - Twenty bucks?

DM - Yep.

K - Hilly, what's our experience point situation?

H - Just under, with Benny about over.

K - And the min./max. on the hobgoblin's treasure?

B - Within risk-to-profit norms, according to the Monster Manual pages Rich sold me last week.

K - It's a deal.