LUDIC LOG

Hello, and welcome to Hank Henderson Book Publishing Company's summer catalog for 2003. A lot of the big houses go out of their way to say thank you for picking their catalog. Like you are doing them a big favor. Look, folks, this thing costs two dollars, or I give them away for free at the expos out of a cardboard box. If you're the kind of person who needs to be thanked for picking up a free brochure out of a box, then my books ain't gonna help you.

I've been the sole owner, operator and employee of Hank Henderson Book Publishing Company since it was founded, by me, Hank Henderson, in 1973. I was right out of technical college then and a lot of guys went into electronics or stereo sales or crap like that. I decided on publishing. I figured none of the other guys I knew was doing it, so I'd have a pretty good shot. I didn't know about the big houses. Maybe I should have. I'm sorry I didn't have your psychic vision back then, Mr. Amazing Kreskin. Anyway, I was only 23 years old for Christ's sake, and I was never much of a reader. The point is, this is the profession I've chosen, and it's too late to do anything about it now. Who cares? I do okay. What, you think you're better than me?

Anyway, I'm proud of my 30-year tradition of publishing the finest in literature and whatnot. How have I managed to stay in business? Low overhead, and a commitment to quality. How can I promise quality? Well, you might give me a break and take my word on it -- I mean, I don't go around asking to see your driver's license or nothing -- but since you asked, I will tell you and maybe you'll learn to be a little more trusting in the future. The answer of that is: I personally read every book we publish. You think Hill and Wang can say that? You think Abner fucking Doubleday reads every book he publishes? You think Old Man Penguin sits around every night, reading all that crap? No way, Charlie. Only Hank Henderson Book Publishing Company can make that claim. Maybe that's why we only publish eight books a year. Because I have other things to do than reading. So what, you're going to sue me now? For being well-rounded? Pardon the shit out of me.

A lot of guys who got nothing better to do come up and ask me, "Hey, Hank, why don't you just hire a reader, like them fancy cocksuckers in the city use?" Do you know what I say to these jerkoffs? I'll tell you what: I say, "Okay, smart-ass. I got a question for you. Why don't you just give me fifty grand, so I can afford to hire a reader? Huh? How do you like that, Mr. Idea Wizard?" Jesus. Didn't I say before? Low overhead. You know how you get low overhead? Not by hiring some dumb-ass college student to read your books for fifty grand and insurance, that's how.

Here's what we got for our 30th anniversary. There's a coupon on the back of this thing were you can order them. Go ahead and buy them all, why not? What are you, in the poorhouse? Big spender, you can afford to fly all the way to Manhattan for a publishing expo, you can't give Hank Henderson Book Publishing Company a break. The whole bunch of them will fit in a carry-on bag. What have you got to lose? Come on, already.

FRESHNESS LINGERS. I don't know, this is some kid. His mom died in a hang gliding accident, and he's sad about it. He talks about himself a lot. It's all sensitive and crap. They tell me the young people like this kind of crap, I don't know. This is a novel. ($14.95)

HOW TO BUILD A MINIATURE CASTLE OUT OF MATCHBOOKS. Okay, my wife gave me a bunch of shit about this one. I realize this is not great literature. I happen to enjoy building little castles out of matchbooks. Is that such a fucking crime? I'm Manson now, because I built a castle out of matchbooks? They are just sitting around anyway. ($8.95)

SKANK. This is by some chick. Look, I don't want to hear about it, all right? Hank Henderson is not some pornographer. It's a good book. This chick, she took all kinds of drugs and was all screwed up in the head or whatever, but she still managed to write this book. She thinks 'skank' is a compliment, I guess. What do I know? ($11.95)

SIXTEEN BLUES. This one is a collection of what do you call it. Like in the funny papers. Cartoons. Anyway, it's by some teenaged kid. I know the drawing looks kind of stupid, but hey! Cut him a break. The kid is sixteen, for God's sake. Like you were fuckin' De Vinci when you were sixteen. ($6.95)

TAX SHELTERS FOR SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS. Normally I steer clear of the political books. Do you know what I'm saying? Screw the headaches those get me. But this one was great on account of it saved me a whole shitload of money. Why not let it also save you a similar shitload? Like I'm special? I am not special. ($10.95)

DUSK OF THE OLMEC. Look. I am going to be honest with you. You have read this far. I think I owe you that much. I did not completely finish reading this one. On account of it was boring. But that is not to say that you will experience the boredom! My wife, for example, was very enamored of this book. ($14.95)

LINKS FOR THE LINKSMAN. This thing is about computer web sites for people who play golf. I don't got a computer, and I think golf is stupid, but all the guys at the winter publisher's expo went gaga over this bullshit. You might as well waste your time on this as something else. What's the difference? There is none, that I can tell. ($8.95)

MOTHER OF THE DISAPPEARER. Here's another novel. This one is science fiction. I didn't really understand a lot of it, but there is a scene where two broads get it on, and a bunch of laser fights, so I think it would be a good movie. Did you ever see The Empire Strikes Back? Yeah, that was pretty good. ($9.95)

So, there you go. That's the Hank Henderson Book Publishing Company summer catalog for 2003. Hank Henderson: getting you eight books a year for thirty years without making some kind of goddamn federal case out of it.