LUDIC LOG

There comes a time in the public life of a prominent man that he wearies of telling his history. Such a man, especially if he has come to fame as the result of a singular achievement such as my own, naturally does not wish to alienate his devotees and benefactors; but the answering of monotonous queries regarding his objet d'estime becomes downright burdensome. Such men become, in the words of the immortal Dr. Johnson, "so impatient of inferiority that their gratitude is a species of revenge, and they return benefits not because recompense is a pleasure, but because obligation is a pain."

My admirers and patrons have been exceptionally kind to me. They have lifted me from the absinthe-soaked bohemian gutters to the rarefied air of stellar palaces; they have showered me with praise more befitting a wise monarch or a learned naturalist than a mere entertainer; they have compared me favorably to the noblest beasts and sweetest souls forged by the hand of a loving God -- all these things they have done based on a mere accident of birth. To forestall any damaging and hurtful shortness on my part, and to satisfy the understandable curiosity of my public which has nonetheless become a weight too heavy for me to daily bear, I offer this list of answers regarding my feature of renown. In the interests of brevity and propriety, only the reponses shall be offered and not the questions; in your hearts, your minds, and your souls, you know your own desires, and I exist merely to fulfill them.

- Thirty-three inches; forty-one when fully priapic.

- I keep it strapped to my leg, with standard-weight strapping tape provided to me free of charge by means of an endorsement arrangement with the Scotch company.

- That would be physically impossible.

- A few of the larger Arabians, and three of the Budweiser Clydesdales.

- Not without intensive preperatory ablutions, and only then after signing a waiver absolving me of legal culpability and damages. If you are still interested, please leave your number with my girl Friday, Miss Marjorie.

- I personally have never met Mr. Dillinger, but I'm sure it is impressive in its own way.

- I sleep in ingenious contraptions known as "gravity boots", which tends to obviate most of the most readily apparent problems.

- With a motorized circular saw and a small acetelyne blowtorch.

- The damage to the spine is overestimated; the real danger is from the pressure on the heart and lungs.

- I have never taken the time to gain an accurate measure, but I'm sure a full gallon is an exaggeration.

- I have them specially made by the Rubbermaid Plastics corporation. Each one costs seven hundred dollars.

- In the infrequent event that I must tend to such matters, I have a personal trainer who uses several garden tools he has modified himself.

- No.

- I have never used prosthetics of any sort, although for a brief period in 1992, after I had suffered a broken ankle, I made use of a sort of rolling walker device purely for support purposes.

- An out-of-court settlement with the Adult Video News was reached by our respective attorneys, the particulars of which prevent my answering your question in full. However, I am not too proud to admit that I am no longer allowed back in the Flamingo Hilton.

- That is true. Comrade Zelinko did indeed best me, and I can scarecely hold it against him that he was the beneficiary of Soviet-era genetic and chemical tamperings. I found him a willful, intelligent man, graceful in victory. Unfortunately, the fall of communism saw an end to the programs which provided his funding, and I have lost touch with this phenomenal man. The last I heard, he was working in the nation of Romania, affiliated with the film industry there in some way.

- Keeping a thesaurus nearby is extremely useful. If you use Roget's classic work, the relevant entry is #31 (Greatness).

- I certainly would (or, alternately, you certainly may), but it's not a one-person job.

- Yes, I have heard that one, thank you.

- I would say my greatest regret is that I cannot attend church as often as I would like.