LUDIC LOG

Hey, Ludic Log fans! Don't forget to e-mail me and tell me why I am better than Jesus Christ for my birthday. It's our most sinful contest ever!

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Dear Abgor,

I am a churchgoing Christian who is very devout and attends church every Sunday. Now that I'm old enough, I'd like to start dating. However, I don't want to take girls to the typical dating spots -- movies, nightclubs, and so forth -- because I want my dates to know that my relationship with Christ comes first. What's a good place to take someone on a first date so as not to scare them off with secular seductions?

Scrupulous in Seattle

Dear sissy,

It is of little difference to Abgor, Master of the Lime Pits, Lord of the Stone Spikes, Impaler of the Forgers and Frauds, where you choose to spend your time. Some young Christian couples choose to go on church-sponsored activities, such as hayrides or singles fellowship meetings; others choose a safe secular activity such as family films, picnics or fine dining. However, it shall avail you not: your weak will and disgusting mortal desires will eventually overcome what you mistakenly believe to be your unshakeable faith. You will succumb to lust and you and your desperate, needy partner will clumsily fall to a repulsive carnal embrace, and sooner or later, for the sin of fornication, you will be damned forever to Hell, where you will be tossed across a barren plain forever by unceasing, pitiless winds. An eternity of torment awaits, all because your helplessly tainted spirit could not forestall the gross fumblings of your body! Your pastor is another good source of inventive ideas for Christian teens new to the dating scene.

Abgor, Tormentor of Shades

Dear Abgor,

My husband recently passed away, and I have been spending a great deal of time with this brother. He has been of great comfort in this time of need, but he is an older man, and he does not know Jesus. He's always been a strong-willed gentleman, and I know the "hard sell" would only make him turn away; and yet, I fear for his immortal soul. What techniques can I use to ensure his salvation without coming on too strong?

Brotherly Love

Dear bawd,

Give up. Your brother-in-law is doomed. Hell awaits those who deny the divinity of Christ. Any who would turn away from his infinite mercy, love and compassion deserve no better than to spend ten thousand times ten thousand years with skin a-blistered in the pitiless, agonizing Lake of Fire. However, it is not he who concerns Abgor -- for we have had him since he was birthed. It is you who will be Hell's precious prize! Yes, you, Brotherly Love of Wyzata, Minnesota! And for what? For the sin of PRIDE! Pride, the downfall of kings! Pride, the secret betrayer! Pride, the silent assassin! For you, vile woman, in your arrogance, have elected yourself worthy of saving the damned -- not from a falsely lipped concern for their souls, but from your own esteem! You have looked at your own kin with lust; you have placed Mammon on the throne where sits the Lord; but these things have you repented, and for these things will you be spared. But you sit, ignorant of your terrible pride! And for this, you shall toil in useless labor forever and forever, standing alongside Sisyphus as he forces his burden eternally, fruitlessly, up Hell's highest hill. PRIDE! Thanks for writing.

Abgor, Vomiter of Wasted Souls

Dear Abgor,

Our youth minister recently warned us about the evils of the Internet. However, I was wondering: can't a technology with such a mass audience have the potential for great good as well as great mischief? I've been thinking about starting a message board for Christian teen girls like myself, and I was wondering.

Hi-Tech in Harrisburg

Dear harpy,

Abgor, Render of Limbs, Cadmon's Procurer, Violator of the Lost, does not know what the Internet is, so he asked the fallen angel Nelchael, Mapmaker of the Infernal Regions, Speaker of the Rolls of the Damned, and Hell's Mathematician. Abgor was assured that this Internet is nothing but an infernal device for delivering into the sanctity of the hearth great volumes of pornography, blasphemy and heresy. So, Hi-Tech in Harrisburg, by all means! Initiate your 'message board', whatever that may be. The only question in, what form will your eternal damnation take? Will you spend forever running in terror from crows that tear at your decaying flesh? Will you huddle and sprint across burning sands? Or will you simply opt for the classic doom of being sealed inside a flaming sarcophagus? Please let Abgor know, as the best part of this job is helping out the young people.

Abgor, Slashin' Teens Like He Was Jason