LUDIC LOG

Dear Dr Graves

I hear youre gonna be out of town next week. Going to Hawaii that must be nice. I hope you have a good time and here I am writing down my thoughts like you told me to when youre away.

First of all I wanna say thanks for trying to help me out with the warden but I dont need that kind of help. Number one thing is I thought what we discussed was confidential and I dont really appreciate you going to tell the warden the sort of things I toled you in private even if you are trying to get me the breaks. Second I dont appreciate you lying to me even if its to spare my feelings. I know what you said about how when you met with the warden but one of the trustys tells me different. He tells me the warden says to you "you tell Billy Lynn its a little late to be laying down an insanity defense". Well thats fine, I aint trying to lay down nothing but only telling you what I feel and the things I see and hear and if the warden wants to be a hardass thats his look out, Im not trying to pull nothing on him. But you dont gotta lie to me about it.

Second thing is before we runned out of time last week you asked me what was the situation with Laura and all them letters we been writing. (And let me tell you its her whats been writing most of the letters. You know how women are.) So I guess Ill talk about that.

To begin with I told her to quit sending me them White Power magazines and whatnot. I know youre gonna ask me how come that is and youre gonna ask me again why I dont break my ties with them fellas here on the block. Well I dont mean to be rude but you dont live here Dr Graves. You dont know how it is with them Latinos and negros. Its all well and good to talk about seeing other people as human and giving them a chance and all but I tell you what thery sure dont think that way about me. I know what them Aryan Nation fellas are like and I dont like it not no more but you know what it is? Theyre like me. They aint gonna jump me in the yard because they dont like what I look like or cause my daddy killed their daddy. But the fact is I get enough of all that White Power talk here. I dont need Laura sending me them things in the mail. Send them things to somebody else I told her, I dont want it here no more. Maybe this dont make no sense my hanging out with them fellas even though I dont like what they think so much and me not wanting Laura to send me them magazines. Well so be it.

Next up yeah I told her it was sure nice of her to write me and all but that I wanted her to cut out all that lovey talk. Especially the sexy stuff that dont do neither of us any good nohow. And why shes talking about hitching up after I get out and all that, why she has to say that kind of thing I asked her? Its just foolishness. And I know what youre gonna say is that I got woman issues. Well I guess maybe I have I been in here three years plus and I was just 19 when I came in. I aint never hardly knew a woman except my own mother and sister and I reckon I never will.

I been thinking about Corey Hill. I dont know if you know that fella. Around the yard everbody calls him the Long Haul Man cause if you ask him how long hes in for he says "Im in here for the long haul". And its the truth.

He got sent up for killing some little girl. He brained her or something I dont know why he done it. He aint no short eyes, else hed be dead by now. Aint nobody likes the short eyes. The warden keeps them in a whole nother wing sos the rest of the cons dont mess with them. He didnt do nothing sexual to this little girl I hear, he didnt molest her or nothing. The worst he done to her is kill her but I reckon thats bad enough. Theres some bad men in here and thats no lie but nobody likes a man who killed a child. For some reason though dont nobody mess with the Long Haul Man. I dont know why. Hes got a funny way of acting and he aint big and strong like me and he aint no hard man. Yet and still the cons seem to leave him be. Mostly he keeps to himself.

I dont make it a habit to talk to people of that nature. Nobody talks to the short eyes cause thats a sure way to get yourself killed and mostly nobody talks to guys like the Long Haul Man but I guess my curiosity got the best of me so last week I asks him "you really kill a little girl"? All sudden like I asked him I dont know what came over me. He didnt get mad or nothin he just told me "yeah, I did that". Which kind of surprised me because you know how guys are Dr Graves aint nobody in this place done nothing. Theyre all innocent. Even me.

"How come you did it"? I asks him and he says like I asked him who won the ballgame "I dont know. I dont remember doin it at all but they tell me I did and so I guess I did. Id like to say I had my reasons but what reason could a man have for killing some little girl"?

I wondered about what he said. I thought about them voices and I thought about how I winded up here and how I didnt kill no one but I winded up here just the same. "You think you done it just because they tell you so"? I asks him. "Boy" he says "It dont matter what I done or havent done. The only thing that matters is that they say I done it. Thats all thats ever gonna matter in this world."

Well I know I aint too smart yet Dr Graves not like you and maybe I never will be. But I think theres something in what the Long Haul Man says. Thats why I toled you I dont want to take them college classes no more because they aint never letting me out of here and what good is a lifer who got a college degree? And thats why I told Laura to quit writing me them letters about how she loves me and whatnot. Because even if they let me out I aint nothing ever but a killer. And what good is a killer who can read? Why be the murderers wife? I dont know a lot about women but theres a better life than that.

Thats where Im at Dr Graves. If you want to talk to me when you get back maybe you ought to talk to the Long Haul Man first. Have a good time in Hawaii.