LUDIC LOG

"Oh, man. That was...that was incredible."

"Mmmmhmmmm."

"Did you..."

"Are you kidding? You bet I did."

"I'm sorry."

"Quit apologizing. You were great."

"I didn't mean it to sound like I was trolling for compliments."

"I know you didn't. Just relax, baby."

"You're an angel."

"Sweet."

"So..."

"Mmm?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"In 'Dark Knight', Bruce Wayne is presented as this sort of moral monster, an ends-justify-the-means fascist with a criminal gang who act as his beck and call. And yet he's posed as the acceptable alternative to Clark Kent, who is a bowing, scraping apologist for power. It's an interesting political scenario, don't you think? I mean, complex as it is, I found myself..."

"I'm sorry, in what?"

"In 'Dark Knight'. The comic."

"I never read that."

"Really?"

"I don't really read comic books."

"Well, I thought, because you were in 'Batman & Robin', maybe..."

"Nah. That was just a job with a big paycheck. I got my first real house off of that one."

"I gotcha."

"Yeah."

"Um..."

"What is it?"

"Well, if I'm not being to much of a pest..."

"Not at all. Your wish is my command, so to speak."

"Terrific."

"Seriously. It's cool. Just ask."

"Okay, I liked 'Tape'."

"So did I."

"I mean, I was surprised that I did, but I did."

"Okay."

"But Amy just seemed so paper-thin, such a blank page for Vin and Jon to scrawl their masculine caricatures over..."

"Right."

"Until I thought about it through Kristeva's lens of objectification and abjection."

"Chris who?"

"Er...Julia Kristeva. Powers of Horror."

"Director?"

"No."

"Okay, okay, don't snap at me! What's the big deal? So I never heard of her."

"Well, it's just..."

"Just what?"

"In your interviews, you seem more in...well, you seem like..."

"Like you?"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"You're completely projecting. Just because I'm not like you doesn't mean I'm not smart."

"I realize that."

"And you're laying this insane image of what you think I must be like on what I'm actually like, which I'm sorry to say might disappoint you, but that's the way it is, buddy."

"Look, can't we..."

"I mean, this whole scenario is implausible. The idea that we would meet at a party and I would be wowed at your articulate, witty trashing of my husband's novels is ridiculous. I probably wouldn't have married him if I thought he was such a shitty writer and was just waiting for someone to dump on him."

"I know, and..."

"You don't see me sleeping with Michiko Kakutani, do you?"

"Okay, this is obviously not working out."

"Obviously."

"I apologize for getting you involved in all of this."

"It's not the fact that I'm here that bothers me. It's the degrading things I have to do."

"God, I know. I'm so fucking pathetic. I'm sorry. You deserve better than some fat sack of shit using you as stroke material."

"You don't get it, do you? I don't mind that part. I do this gig a thousand times a day. But none of the other guys make me sit around for hours afterwards discussing the role of the unreliable narrator in 'Pulp Fiction'. And they don't make me feel like a moron because I don't know who Ringo Lam is, Professor."

"Oh."

"Christ, the last time we did this, it was going so well. We met, we talked, you were so sweet and such a gentleman, you helped me out when I was having a rough time with my career..."

"I care about you. In an imaginary sense."

"But then you fuck it all up by asking me all these dumb questions about themes of alienation in the film version of 'The Crying of Lot 49'. There is no film version of 'The Crying of Lot 49'! You made it up and cast me in it!"

"I thought you'd make a good Oedipa Maas. At that point."

"Yeah, but you can't really blame me for not knowing about a bunch of stuff in a movie that hasn't been made, can you?"

"I thought this was a fantasy."

"It is. It's a sex fantasy. It's not a personality fantasy. Grow up."

"I'm sorry. It's just difficult for me to create a worthwhile scenario that doesn't involve some intellectual interaction."

"You watch porn, don't you?"

"Yeah, but secretly I rewrite the scripts in my head to make them more morally complex. And I think about interesting camera angles while I'm watching."

"I think you've got a serious problem."

"Maybe I should stick to more realistic objectifications. Like Pamela Anderson."

"You've got to be kidding."

"Oh, now we're getting catty?"

"I'm just saying. Baby steps. How about Gillian Anderson?"

"Naah. My friends went to school with her. Too much like thinking about someone I really know."

"Jenna Elfman?"

"Hmmm. It's worth thinking about."

"Good boy."

"So, listen."

"Ha. I don't have to. I know what you want."

"Well, I thought, just once more, for old times' sake."

"You're incorrigible. You're not going to ask me about the sociopolitical questions raised by 'Gattaca' again, are you?"

"I promise."

"Okay. In the Poison Ivy outfit?"

"If you don't mind."