LUDIC LOG

"Late-model 4-door sedan, forest green. Not American-made. NPR sticker on the back window. Driver is male, late 30s/early 40s, olive-skinned, thick hair, eyeglasses. Reaction?"

"Where are the tags from?"

"New York."

"Possible carjack/robbery."

"Nothing else?"

"Nope."

"How do you know he's not part of the international Jewish conspiracy, with New York tags?"

"No one drives in the city."

"Good. Okay, next: SUV. Two niggers at the wheel."

"What color is the vehicle?"

"Black. Like their hearts."

"Age?"

"The car, or the niggers?"

"Both."

"Brand new. And early 20s."

"Kill them..."

"Good, but..."

"...but not because they're niggers. Because they're fags."

"Good call. What tipped you?"

"If they were gangbangers, the SUV would be gold."

"All right. Next: pickup truck. Old, red, lots of mudstains. License plate holder that says 'The South Will Rise Again'. CB radio antenna, gun rack with one rifle and one shotgun. Two white males, mid-30s, inside, wearing camos."

"Let it go."

"No recruitment?"

"It's a trap. Those guys are federal. License plate holder? Come on. It's a giveaway."

"Beat-up Chevy Chevette. Brown. Driven by lone white teenage boy. Dresses shabby. Lots of bumper stickers on the car."

"Content?"

"Star Trek. Punk bands. Computer stuff."

"Hmmm."

"Stumped?"

"No 'Mean People Suck' or 'Free Tibet'?"

"Nope."

"Uh...let him go. He's white, but he's probably apolitical and he's got no money."

"Wrong! You recruit him."

"Shit! What did I miss?"

"First of all, the computer sticker is pro-Microsoft. Second, he's driving American even though a used import would be cheaper. Third, you didn't ask about his t-shirt."

"What about the t-shirt?"

"If it's They Might Be Giants, forget it. If it's Metallica, give it a shot. If it's Insane Clown Posse, he's militia material."

"Damn."

"Okay, last one. Mid-size sports car, silver, Califor..."

"Kill."

"You're learning, kid. You're learning."