LUDIC LOG

By the time you read this, it will be my birthday. (Yes, I know, it says August 6th up there, and my birthday is August 7th. But I work on a staggered schedule. Suck it up, nerd.)

I am 34 years old today, which means one thing: I have outlived Jesus Christ. But surely, I find myself thinking as I approach middle age, longevity cannot be the only way in which I surpass our Lord and Savior. Surely there must be many ways in which I am superior to God made flesh. But it would be arrogant, presumptuous, even blasphemous for me to enumerate those ways.

That's why I turned to you, the Ludic Log readers, to tell me: how am I better than Jesus?

Let's find out.

Toyman writes from Chicago, IL: "You lent me a book. Jesus never lent me anything, and everything that people claim that he gave to me are all metaphorical. Boo! Show me salvation in a little plastic baggie, Jesus! C'mon!"

Rum Holiday, also here in the Big Town, notes: "Jesus never deep-fried a Mars bar for me."

Dave Fisher, down in the ATL, has a number of reasons why I have it all over the J-Man, including the fact that I am fat and bald:

"1. As of this moment, Leonard has lived longer than Jesus, and he still has the option of producing offspring, or at least making a deposit at a sperm bank, so in terms of evolution, Leonard's genes are way ahead.

"2. Leonard has more stuff than Jesus ever did.

"3. Leonard may have been turned away from a nightclub for his shabby shoes, but Jesus wore sandals, and thus would probably be turned away from a Burger King.

"4. Leonard has more mass than Jesus, and so has a larger percentage of the total matter of the universe under direct control of his brain.

"5. Since he has less hair, Leonard is at lower risk of nits and lice than Jesus was."

Dreamweasel of Ann Arbor, MI, points out that, like Jesus, I am capable of infinite forgiveness, which at the very least makes me equal to the Messiah.

Chris Roberson of Evanston Township also emphasizes my bulk: "You're taller and heavier and could take him in a rasslin' fight." He also makes this observation: "Jesus & literature. Beatitudes: excellent. Command of postmodern literary theory: poor to nonexistent." Finally, Chris observes, "no one has ever made me listen to a hideously dull testimony about their close personal relationship with Leonard Pierce, and how their life changed for the better after they accepted Leonard as their personal Lord and Savior."

Nate Patrin, writing from the Twin Cities, also has a laundry list of my superiority to Jesus, who is called the Christ:

"1. You're mistaken for a blond white boy less frequently.

"2. Pat Robertson doesn't claim to be down with you.

"3. "In an alphabetically-organized bibliography, your writing would not have to share space directly next to Robert Christgau.

"4. Bethlehem < Chicago.

"5. You use toilet paper (presumably)."

Cori Faiella, of the room down the hall from mine, says: "Because you put up with both Paul and Yoko. Jesus only suffered 3 days on the cross."

Phil Nugent, reporting from parts unknown, says: "Because Jesus' blog looks shitty and often consists only of lists of whatever records he's been listening to lately, and as if that weren't lame enough, I've noticed he never picks the Beatles. Way to hold a grudge, JC."

Matt Glarner, who probably has a website but I'm too drunk to remember the URL, has a fine explanation: "I was a really good Christian. I attended Sunday School (oddly enough, on Tuesday nights) for 8 years, went to church every Sunday for the better part of my youth and was an altar boy (Molestation-free! Chalk one up for Matty!). Here's the weird thing: I don't seem to remember any mention of Jesus' cock! None whatsoever! Not even a brief slip, like:

"Then John's disciples came and asked him, "How is it that we and the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?"

"Jesus answered, his large cock protruding from his shroud like a curious worm, 'How can the guests of the bridegroom mourn while he is with them? The time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them; then they will fast. No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch will pull away from the garment, making the tear worse. Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.'

"Until I see evidence to the contrary, I'm going to go ahead and presume that Jesus' schlong was not 33 inches in length. So you've got that on him, which is nice."

Matt Bibb, of parts unknown, has a good one: "Mel Gibson will never make a shitty movie about your life. And that's just for starters."

Finally, Kizza, from right here in the City of Big Shoulders, has a whole 'nother approach: "Well, I dun' have reasons why you're better than Jesus, but I have reasons why you might be Jesus:

"1) Biblical scholars have speculated that Jesus wasn't actually born in December, he was born in August.

"2) Jesus was an only child; so are you.

"3) Jesus liked to drink with his friends.

"4) Jesus liked seafood. See, that's how I know I could never be Jesus.

"5) Jesus never had any kids.

"6) Jesus had some questionable buddies (looking at you, Mary Magdalene!).

"And for balance, reasons Jesus and you are different people:

"1) Pat Robertson would be happy if Jesus came to his house for dinner and molested his daughter.

"2) Jesus was a Christian, and you're not.

"3) You're most likely a better pitcher than Jesus, and that Alfonseca too.

"4) Jesus didn't wear underwear.

"5) Ain't no Jesus at Hala Kahiki.

"6) You've played a robot, and Jesus hasn't."

What more can I add, other than this: my friends are a hell of a lot funnier than Jesus', too. Thanks for the birthday wishes, all y'all.