LUDIC LOG

The Pixies: Kim Deal formed the all-female Breeders (originally called the Bleeders, after their propensity for writing songs about menstruation); her pleasure at belonging to a group with people of a gender she was willing to have sex with was notably diminished when she realized that they were all her sisters, in a literal sense. She then formed the Amps, who were used as an example of the 4AD packaging house style, and little else. Dennis Lovering, seeking a taskmaster even more harsh than Black Francis, hooked up with ex-Camper van Beethhoven fuhrer Dave Lowery in his new band, Cracker, until all traces of his individual personality had been obliterated. Joey Santiago drifted for some time after being released from Frank Black's zombie curse, and eventually joined the Merchant Marine, where he was killed in a tragic accident while loading bananas. Black himself pursued for many years his twin goals of becoming the world's fattest rock star and making everyone forget how good the Pixies were with his terrible solo records, until Pere Ubu frontman David Thomas died of massive congestive body failure in 2011. His goals accomplished with a level of success far beyond his anticipation, he retired to the late actor Marlon Brando's Tahitian hideaway, where he occassionaly teaches bad French to the locals in the mistaken belief that their native language is Spanish.

The Soft Boys: After Kimberly Rew was fired from the band for being a better guitarist than Robyn Hitchcock, he formed the bubblegum pop outfit Katrina and the Waves and spent the remainder of his long life rolling around on a giant pile of money like Scrooge McDuck, laughing maniacally. The rest of the band was redubbed Robyn Hitchcock and the Egyptians, by unanimous vote of Robyn Hitchcock. Hitchcock, who occassionally reminds people that he does not take drugs, continues to produce fine records like Giant Psychedelic Eyball, Aaaaugh The Walls Are Melting Oh God, and Scary Talking Bird Who Lives on a Huge Space-Fish Made of Figgy Oatcakes.

The Velvet Underground: Nico left after the Velvet's first album to pursue her blossoming career as a glamorous supermodel. After 25 years, most of which were spent as a housemaid, she was killed when Godzilla stepped on her bicycle during the filming of Godzilla en Paris: Allon, Ghidrah! Sterling Morrison vanished off the face of the earth following the demise of the Velvets; his great-grandson, Sterling Morrison IV, played bass at the band's 2014 reunion show and no one noticed the difference. Maureen "Mo" Tucker moved to Winterhaven, FL and worked at a Target store to support her shiftless, ungrateful children; later in life, she prided herself on not having learned a single new drumbeat since 1971. John Cale continued to be mistaken for an irritating pop singer, until 2004, when he changed his name to J.J. Cage, and began to be mistaken for an irritating composer. Lou Reed because one of the most successful solo artists in the history of rock music, earning him the tiles of "Great-Great-Grandfather of Punk" and "The Little Richard of Unpopular Music".

The Replacements: Chris Mars became the auteur behind supergroup Bash & Pop with Slim Dunlap, and reportedly made a fortune selling his complimentary copies of the band's albums to used record stores. Bob Stinson continued to drink a quart of whiskey and inject an ounce of heroin a day until his unfortunate death in 1995, when he was hit by a bus while on his way to the liquor store to buy a dozen more quarts of whiskey. His brother Tommy was last heard from passing himself off as former New York Met Keith Hernandez in order to sell bogus autographed baseball cards to unsuspecting youngsters. Paul Westerburg became a recluse for several years, but returned triumphantly to the music scene when his solo albums proved that he was just as bad a singer as he ever was.

R.E.M.: Peter Buck alternates his time between praciticing his three favorite guitar chords and belittling waitresses; he briefly competed with Frank Black for the "World's Fattest Rock Star" title, but hauling all his cash around in a huge wheelbarrow had the unfortunate side effect of weight loss. Bill Berry and Mike Mills continued to be confused for one another for many years, until the stress got to them and one of them (no one is certain which one) suffered a fatal brain explosion while touring Finland. Michael Stipe continues to lend his mindless, hard-to-withstand support to any leftist cause that comes down the pike, and has recently had wires stuck in his head to help him remember the jibberish lyrics to his songs. He has gained a certain level of noteriety with a younger generation of fans by virtue of being the last person to see Kurt Cobain naked.

Husker Du: Greg Norton went on to open a small restaurant in St. Paul, MN, called "Greg's Loud, Distorted, Hooky Cafe with Lots of Feedback", and has been the cover boy of Celebrity Handlebars magazine a record-shattering 13 times. Grant Hart, having perfected the art of starting every song with the same drumbeat while Husker Du was still in existence, recorded several albums under the name "The Even More Bitter Than Bob Mould Band" on the It Was All Bob's Fault label before finally reaching commercial oblivion with his unwieldy orchestral project, the I Hate Bob Philharmonic. As for Bob Mould himself, he recorded two tremendously successful solo records (You're Goddamn Right I'm Angry and Like Hell I Will) before mellowing with his new group, Sugar. The good times lasted until Bob came out at a commercially astute time; although his record sales increased proportionately to the number of well-dressed men in the audience at his shows, the rest of the band quit, saying they didn't want to have to share a tour bus with a "smelly homo". Mould was reduced to writing dialogue for Mr. Ass and N.W.O. Purple in the World Class Wrestling organization; this too fell apart when the WCW was bought by the WWF and he was fired by Vince McMahon, whose company policy was to only employ fruits if they took steroids.

Sonic Youth: The band made a committment in 1992 to making three bad records for every one good one -- part of a "master plan" incoherently explained by marijuana-addled guitarist Thurston Moore in one of his many and inexplicable interviews in Jane magazine -- and stuck with it until 2006, when they retired from making albums of their own and dedicated themselves full-time to appearing on every tribute album ever recorded. Their most recent effort is a cover of "The Rainbow Connection" on Short, Blond and Forgotten: A Tribute to Paul Williams, in stores now.