LUDIC LOG

Dear Mr. Pierce,

This letter is to inform you that production must immediately halt on your latest project , Tracksuit American. The musical comedy review infringes on a number of AmeriKing's registered trademarks, which are fully protected under United States intellectual property laws, and you have received no authority to use those trademarks in your production. In addition, it is our position that the book of this play constitutes prosecutable libel against the AmeriKing corporation, and in order to avoid criminal prosecution, we must ask that you cease and desist all aspects of production immediately.

First, 'Burger King' is a protected and registered trademark of AmeriKing, Inc. You have used it repeatedly without permission -- indeed, even without having bothered to seek permission -- a number of times in the production, most egregiously in the number titled 'Hangin' Out in the Parking Lot of the Burger King'. Your offer of July 22 to replace these repeated references with "Burger Thing" is, frankly, unsatisfying. Our counteroffer of the use of 'Burger Monarch' was, we feel, eminently fair, and to be honest, more conciliatory than we have any need to be; and your immediate rejection of it for possessing "poor scansion" is rather short-sighted and unreasonable.

Second, 'Have It Your Way' is also a trademark of AmeriKing, and while your claim that its status as a common phrase in American English vernacular is valid, from a legal perspective, I think you will find that a judge would be more likely to see things our way when we present the videotape of the scene in your play wherein a horribly overweight, disfigured actor wearing the uniform of a Burger King line cook becomes mentally confused and performs vile acts upon a young child, while repeatedly bellowing the phrase. This is a clear attempt on your part to link Burger King's memorable slogan with pederasty, murder and insanity, and not the "loving homage" you claim it to be.

Finally, the Whopper sandwich, along with every other burger available at AmeriKing restaurants, is made with 100% beef, USDA-approved and flame-broiled until juicy and delicious. It is not made with rat meat. Your repeated claim that it is made from pulverized rats (Act I, Scenes 1 & 2; Act II, Scene 3; Act III, Scenes 1 and especially 4 -- the unfortuante 'enjoy your rat meat, suckers' line in particular -- and the musical number titled 'Rat Meat Whopper') is a clear case of libel and failure to abide by the terms of this letter will result in immediate prosecution for same. Additionally, and we bring this to your attention as a personal kindness since we are under no obligation to do so, the music to 'Rat Meat Whopper' is quite obviously lifted in its entirety from 'Cat Scratch Fever', and while we are not representing Mr. Nugent's legal needs, we do know the firm that does, and would be more than willing to give them a call should you prove uncooperative.

If we may be open with you, Mr. Pierce, you are obviously a talented, or at least extremely dedicated individual, and it is not the wish of the AmeriKing corporation to, as you put it, "squash a young man's dreams of making it big on the Great White Way like one of the filthy, disease-infested cockroaches that swarm over the deep fat fryers" in one of our restaurants. But I assume you can see from that very statement the unfortunate tendency you have to wrap up your aspirations as well as your frustrations in a corporate entity which you have nothing to do with, and, more importantly, whose trademarks, service marks, and registered copyrighted materials are not yours to use. We must again ask you to cease and desist all production on this play, and we wish you the best of luck in your future career.

Yours,
Martin Skopecki
Executive Counsel, AmeriKing Inc.

P.S. On a personal note, I found the "Mickey D's Sued My Ass" song in Act I delightful.