LUDIC LOG

Thanks to Naz Nomad for the inspirato.

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Here at Maison Coulter, we prefer our wine the way we prefer our politics: simple, clean and easy to order. We don't believe that fine wine is an indulgence only of the rich; we think that there's no reason the joys of a classic vintage should be restricted to the arrogant members of the cultural elite. After all, during my childhood in the middle-class splendor of Groton, Connecticut, all the members of my family enjoyed a good tipple; if that's not proof that fine wine is a pleasure of the common man, I don't know what is.

We make no apologies for the presence of a large number of French vintages on our wine list. Many of these were bottled prior to September 11th, 2001, when the full extent of the Franco-Islamic terror conspiracy was revealed. However, we make this pledge to you: we will sell no French wines bottled after 2000 until they declare a moratorium on immigration from Muslim-majority nations and elect Le Pen president. Also, we call our wine steward a wine steward instead of a sommelier.

And now, without further ado -- we know how busy you are, as reflected in our 'cell phones welcome' policy -- we present Maison Coulter's wine list.

Chateau d'Yquem 1997 Sauternes. The finest vintage offered by Maison Coulter. A rich, warm wine with hints of floral and musky flavors, with an undeniable class and style and a commitment to truth-telling you can taste, Chateau d'Yquem has been called "The Ronald Reagan of Wines" by myself and several of my employees. Reflecting the best in the economics of the '80s, you can actually feel your dining companions becoming more sophisticated and pleasant as you drink it. $2,300.00.

Dom Romanee Conti 1997 La Tache Grande Cru. This one is very difficult to pronouce. We suggest calling it "Crew", evocative as that is of one's college years. Don't let the hoity-toity, garlic-stinking Gallic stinkers lord it over you with their lousy foreign language! Our pledge to you is that our wine steward will not mock your pronunciation. This may not be a great wine, but it's very expensive, which is just as good in my opinion. $600.00.

Diamond Creek 1986 RRT Cabernet Sauvignon. At last, an American wine, a wine that embodies all that is great about America. America is objectively the greatest country of all, and an attack against its wines is an attack against freedom, democracy and the values that give meaning and dignity to human life. Admittedly, this wine is from California, but I assure you, it has never been within a hundred miles of the communist snake-pit of San Francisco. This is the wine not of Jerry Brown's California, but of Ronald Reagan's California, and soon, Arnold Schwarzenegger's California. $400.00.

Chateau Mouton Rothschild 2000 Pauillac. Bottled in the final moments of France's history as an acceptable nation, the 2000 Chateau Mouton represents the exact second that the glory of the Gauls was betrayed for thirty pieces of Saddam's silver and sold for scrap to a bunch of nameless heathen immigrants. We were considering discontinuing this vintage (especially when you consider the 'Rothschild' thing -- I think we all know what that means), but I have found that when decanted in the free air of this strong Christian capitalist nation, it acquires a certain tragic, dissipated charm. $500.00.

Gaja 1996 Piedmont Barolo Sperss. This spicy, insouciant Italian wine is said to be a favorite of contentious capitalist commander-in-chief Silvio Berlusconi. Every sip is a rebuke to the ignorant, destructive Stalinist dupes of the anti-globalization movement! Delicious. $275.00.

Chateau La Mission Haut Brion 2000 Graves Rouge. Pugnacious, determined, undervalued by know-nothing slanderer, traitors and liberal academic frauds; a staunch foe of pretention and socialism; and with a surprisingly high alcohol content. This wine, a favorite around the Coulter condominium after a long morning of reading other conservative columnists, is inescapably reminiscent of Senator Joseph McCarthy. $500.00.