LUDIC LOG

"Victor?"

"Yes? Who is this? This is a private line."

"It's Jeanette."

"Jeanette! I thought I told you not to call me here."

"This is important."

"I'm in a very important meeting, dearest. I have the prime minister of..."

"It can't wait."

"All right. What is it?"

"Don't sigh at me."

"I wasn't sighing at you. I was just sighing. What do you want?"

"You say that like it's an accusation."

"Darling. Please. I'm very busy."

"You're always busy. You never have time for me."

"Can't you tell this to one of the robots? Whatever it is?"

"I might as well be talking to one of the robots right now for all the good it does me."

"What. Do you want."

"I think we should stop seeing each other."

"What?"

"God! That was hard to say. But I had to say it."

"You're...you're breaking up with me?"

"I really think it's for the best."

"No one has ever broken up with me before."

"That's part of the problem. No one ever says no to you."

"I do not take such matters lightly."

"What I hear you saying is you're afraid of rejection."

"I said no such thing. D..."

"You're about to talk about yourself in the third person, aren't you?"

"No! I was...you're putting words in my mouth. I wasn't going to do anything of the sort."

"Honestly, Victor, you might as well say 'bah'."

"Why do you do this thing to Doo...why are you doing this?"

"I need more."

"More! What more could I give you? I have made you like a queen. I have outfitted you in the finest garments. You have the love and respect -- the fear -- of the people. My vast wealth is at your disposal."

"You're not supportive of my career."

"Why do you need a career? You have everything you could want. An elegant castle, an army of robot duplicates, digital cable..."

"Hello? Ever heard of personal fulfillment? There's more to life than money, Victor."

"I paid your tuition to Doomstadt Community College."

"And all you ever do is make fun of my pottery."

"I'm not making fun of it. I just said I guess I don't understand modern art."

"Meanwhile, your own career is stagnating."

"Stagnating? I am the absolute ruler of a small but prosperous European nation, you know."

"You're resting on your laurels. Have you ever thought of going into business?"

"I invented a working time machine."

"And you keep getting defeated by the same four people."

"And you keep failing your intermediate algebra class, and your teacher can't lift a tanker truck or create impenetrable force fields, but you don't hear me nagging."

"I don't want this to turn into namecalling, Victor. I just want us to make a clean break and start fresh."

"Fine. Good luck finding another boyfriend who has his own country."

"You're unreasonably bitter, Victor. I should have known not to get involved with a guy who has so many issues with his mother."

"I do not have issues with my mother. I am trying to rescue her shade from eternal torment in the pits of hell."

"And you don't call that an issue?"

"This is about my face, isn't it, Jeanette?"

"Oh, God. I knew that would come up."

"It's because I'm scarred and hideous and ugly. And fat."

"You're not fat. And the only person bringing up the thing about your face is you. You're a very handsome man and a real gentleman. If you'd just have some ambition and stop living in the past, and if you learned to listen to people instead of making speeches the whole time, you'd make someone a great husband someday. Just...just not me."

"So this is it."

"Yes. I'm afraid so. I'm sorry."

"Well, fine. Thanks for everything, I guess. See you around."

"Victor?"

"What."

"Are you this very moment dispatching robot shock troops to my quarters in Castle Doomstadt to carry me forcibly off to the dungeons?"

"N...maybe. So what if I am?"

"You never learn, Victor. You never learn."