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LUDIC LOG
08.17.2004
Oh, boy! More boring
pictures, these from my recent trip to San Francsico to celebrate my
birthday (August 7th, you ungenerous bastards) and the wedding of two
very good friends. Dig 'em.
Even though I was wearing camoflage
pants, sporting a Satanic heavy metal t-shirt, carrying a military
satchel festooned with anarchist slogans and containing a straight
razor, and being stoned off my ass, I was not stopped by airport
security.
I stayed in a swanky boutique hotel
in downtown SF called the Triton. It was a hippie hotel.
Environmentally friendly rooms, free tarot card readings, electric car
rentals, Santana-designed suites. I kinda wanted to punch its
lights out.
Look at the crazy phone in the hotel
lobby! It's craaaaaazy! And artsy! And, hey, can I
get some, you know, stuff in
this hotel? You know what I mean, dude?
The hotel was right across the street
from the Chinatown gate. Here is the Chinatown gate. If
this were a slideshow, you'd be snoring by now. But I didn't
mention the AWESOME KUNG FU FIGHTS! Of which there were none.
Did I obsessively photograph my own
ugly face throughout the trip while simultaneously forgetting to take
pictures of my friends, and the city? Is the Castro filled with
design enthusiasts?
Friday night was drinks and dinner at
this place called Chow, named after the small, flat-faced Chinese
dog. They served only meals made from this dog, in various
methods of preparation.
Saturday, during the day, I spent a
lot of time wandering around the city looking for a haircut. I
didn't find one. I did find this old Chinese dude, and I played
chess with him. Or, rather, he played chess, and I got my ass
beat.
Maaaan, you didn't think I'd let a
fotoblog go by without some bathroom mirror self-portraits, did
you? I have my ego, and my 19 illegitimate children, to think of!
We went to a restaurant called
Kuleto's on Saturday night, which was my birthday. It was quite a
fine restaurant, Cali-Italian fusion, and the food and drinks were
superfine. But not as superfine as Brian and Jane, the world's
most adorablest couple! Of people!
Also at Kuleto's were Yuri and Nick, who I had never met
before. Boy, do I like Yuri and Nick! They are
extraordinarily charming and swell guys, and they know their way around
a tiara.
Afterwards, we headed to LJ's Martini
Bar, which is a crappy bar owned by LiveJournal. HA HA!
That's not funny. But what was
funny is that Jane got dru-hu-huuuuunk.
Yuri and Nick joined us at the crap
bar, and Nick was ordering a drink called Pims. I don't know what
the fuck Pims is, but I love saying it. Pims. Pims.
Pims!
The wedding was at the beautiful
Palace of Fine Arts on the bayfront of San Francisco. The dome is
a lovely affair, formerly concrete but now restored with more
aesthetically pleasing materials. Here, the angel Moroni keeps
watch over the white Indians.
These scary lions will eat your
wedding! Or maybe they are bears! Either way, don't fuck
around, for serious.
Another shot of the awesome arches of
the dome at the Palace of Fine Arts. This mural portrays the many
faces of former San Francisco's former mayor Willie "The Demon" Brown.
The inside of the dome. Note
the cleverly designed netting over the top, which presents pigeons from
shitting on your wedding and prevents Spider-Man from committing
suicide.
There are also ducks at the Palace of
Fine Arts...
...and swans...
...and they all live in this
pond. With dragons. And lots of bewildered-looking Chinese
tourists.
So, who funded the renovations to the
swanky Palace of Fine Arts, anyway? As the graffitoed sign
indicates, it was none other than Dr. Zoidberg! Because, you
know, he's up for whatever.
Can...can this be the only shot I
have of the wedding? It isn't even doing anything! It's
just sitting there like an empty gas tank. And yet...would you
believe me when I say it was magical? How about mystical?
How about tautological?
The happy couple employed the
services of a rather snazzy jazz band, which not only played their
processional ("Ma-nuh-ma-nuh") but also outshined the crappy Latin jazz
outfit we'd suffered under the night before.
Brian and Jane at the wedding.
Brian is giving an old Army hand signal that means "I am guardedly
optimistic".
Yuri and Nick at the wedding.
Check out Yuri's awesome '90s-vintage power suit! You just want
to hand him a bunch of stock certificates or a book contract or
something.
Here is the wedding cake. It is
a very pretty cake. I did not eat any of the cake. Do you
know what? That's right: because I don't like cake.
So sue me! For not liking cake.
Here's the wedding photographer, who
was a friendly hippie type. He took better pictures than
me. Whoa, dude, I took pictures
of a photographer!
That's so meta.
Brian and Jane are COFFEE
ACHIEVERS! Why are there only pictures of Brian, Jane, Yuri and
Nick? Is it because I forgot to ask everyone else if I could post
the pictures of them, or because I am a crappy photographer? You
tell me.
Oh, yeah. I bought, and wore, a
suit. And a hat. It cost a bundle, but it was worth it,
because let's face it, look at how goddamn sexy I am in this
thing. Jesus.
Want another look, do you? Oh,
yeah. I'm working it like a sharecropper. God, I just love
myself.
How many of these stupid pictures of
me in a suit are there, you ask? Shut up, I say, I will probably
only wear this fucking thing one more time and that's when I'm buried
in it.
Look, folks, it's either this or more
pictures of the cake.
All right. Last shot of me in
my stupid suit. You've suffered enough. But honestly, don't
you totally want to have sex with me? Or at least my suit?
I know I do.
Rockford, IL as seen from
planeside. It's much more interesting from up here than it is on
the ground, but on the other hand, who doesn't like Beefaroo?
TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Suburbs have become the heirs to their cities'
preoblems. They have pollution, high taxes, crime. People
thought they would escape all thouse things in the suburbs. But
like the people in Boccaccio's Decameron,
they ran away from the plague and took it with them."
(Charles Haar)
