LUDIC LOG

1 And when they drew nigh unto New York, and were come to Manhattan, unto the Square of Tompkins Park, then sent Jesus two disciples,

2 Saying unto them, Go into the parking lot over against you, and straightway ye shall find a Lex parked, and a Beemer with it; jack them, and bring them unto me.

3 And if any man say aught unto you, ye shall say, The Lord hath need of them, and straightway he best lay off with a quickness.

4 All this was done, that it might be fulfilled, which was spoken by the Prince of Piece, saying,

5 Tell ye the Love Interest of the Lord, Behold, thy Man cometh unto thee, strapped, and sitting behind the wheel of a Lex, and a Beemer behind it.

6 And the disciples went, and you better believe they did as Jesus commanded them,

7 And brought the Lex, and the Beemer, and put upon them cool shades and bad-ass leather jackets, and with him they sat inside the rides, prominently displaying their maker's marks.

8 And a very great multitude spread themselves in the way, opposing the man Jesus; and they did have Mac-one-doubles and Uzis and Glocks; others plucked grenades from their monochromatic jumpsuits, and strewed them in the way.

9 And the multitudes did fall before the Son of God's blazing guns, and those that followed died, and all around him did electric guitars blaze and voices cry out, singing, Highway to the danger zone; yea, verily, take a ride into the danger zone.

10 And when he was come to Manhattan, all the crimelords were moved, saying, Who is this motherfucker?

11 And the goons said, this is Jesus the Prophesier, leader of the God Squad.

12 And Jesus went into the house of crack, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the house, and overthrew the tables of the rock-cookers, and the seats of them that sold pipes,

13 And said unto them, It is written, This house was to be called a house of crack; but I shall make it a funeral home.

14 And the unbelievers and the blasphemers came to him in the crack house; and he wasted them.

15 And when the chief scientists and liberals saw the wonderful things that he did, and the commies bleeding in the crack house, and saying, Holy shit we are totally fucked now, they were sore displeased;

16 And said unto him, Hearest thou what these say? And Jesus saith unto them, Yea; did I stutter? Well, my partners Smith and Wesson should come through loud and clear.

17 And he wasted them, and went out of the city into Newark; and he lodged there.

18 And when he saw a towelhead selling figs upon the streetcorner, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but dates only, and he was sore suspicious, and said unto it, Sorry, pal: terror ain't in season. And presently the fig seller was blown away.

19 And when the disciples saw it, they marvelled, saying, But, Lord, he had no figs; he was sold out. He had only dates.

20 Jesus answered and said unto them, with his eyes narrowed and his teeth gritted, and verily, in tight closeup: He had a date all right...with my .45.