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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: Everywhere around the world, they're spitting on America! "honk at him" "weight loss shitting" "assortment of cocks" "teeth plaque conspiracy Metallica" "John Byrne Chris Clarement comics suck" "crouch shots" "Bjork stalker video" "gymnastic cameltoe" |
08.19.2004
BIGCOCKISTAN People's Republic of Cocksylvania People: Population - 153,797. Age distrib. (%): <15 - 24.6; 65+ - 0.04. Pop. density - 153,797 per sq. mi. Urban: 100%. Ethnic groups: White 99+%; that one guy from the business school who's, like, from Sri Lanka or something .0005%. Principal language - English (official), incoherent drunking shouting (94%). Chief religions - Protestant 82%; my girlfriend is kind of a Buddhist 8%; Hindian or something .0005%. Geography: Area - 4,032 sq. ft. Location - occupies the 4th-8th floor of the Robert Fuentes Men's Dormitory. Neighbors - lobby (1st floor); physical plant (basement); those total fags in pre-med (2nd-3rd floors). Topography - berber carpets in room 423, otherwise arid brushlands throughout. Width varies depending on the line for the bathroom. Capital: Bud Kayville, 4,024. Government: People's republic. Head of state - Party Commissioner Bud Kay, room 620, b. April 14 1985, in office since the RA went home to visit his grandmother. Local divisions - 200 rooms, each led by an election monitor appointed by whoever has a clipboard and can spell. Defense - 0.6% of national budget, the second-largest expenditure after keg money. Active troops: Kenny is in the national guard, and I think that one guy on the 5th has a baseball bat. Economy: Industries - Homemade jewelry, aluminum can recycling, trust fund interest. Chief crops - Doritos, sunflower seeds, kind bud from that guy Will on the 7th who has a hydroponic setup in the janitor's closet. Minerals - Aluminum, iron, and I think the computers have like silicon or something in them. Crude oil reserves - whatever's in the tank. Other resources - Hemp, hemp fiber, hemp shampoo, hemp necklaces, and high-interest student credit cards. Arable land - check the janitor's closet, dude. Livestock - I know this is totally fucked up but I think that Hindian guy is keeping a couple of chickens in his room. Otherwise, takeout 100%. Electricity prod. - 50 watts per channel, baby. Labor force - 38.3% service industry; 4.0%, trust fund interest 58.7%. Finance: Monetary unit - US dollar, American Express Blue card. GDP - $15 bil. Per capita GDP - $1.2m, but we don't really like to talk about it. Imports - $4.7 mil in 2004, for Chinese, pizza, and stuff from the liquor store. Exports - n/a. Budget - pizza and stuff divided 100% amongst all chip-inners. Tourism - $18.1 mil., mostly from visiting students sent over here by the athletic director. Communications: TV sets - 1,040 per 1,000 pop. Cell phones - 357,004 main lines. Daily newspapers - "The Daily Tit-shower", circ. 102,000. iPods - 972 per 1,000 pop. Radio - what is this, the 1800s? Transport: The small campus features easy foot access to all buildings, and the greater campus region has quick, simple and affordable access to public transportation via bus and light rail. Plentiful bike paths and a fast and courteous fleet of taxicabs are also found everywhere in the region. Automobiles - 150,000 Dodge Dakota SUVs. |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "No one can be as calculatedly rude as the British, which amazes Americans, who do not understand studied insult and can only offer abuse as a substitute." (Paul Gallico) |