Wisdom from
the Lips of Our Fathers and Their Drinking Buddies"
"After a
tough day on the job, you're totally entitled to walk around
with an undershirt on, no matter what your wife says. But don't
call it a wifebeater, for Christ's sake...what a giveaway. Call
it a 'dago tee'."
~
"You never
know with the word 'punk'. I guess some people like it now."
~
"We all get
plumber's crack sometimes. Because, you know, fucking forgive
me for working my ass off on your shitty house, lady. But you
know why nobody ever says anything about it? Because we got hammers."
~
"Football
is America's sport, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
Also, war."
~
"Don't let
your doctor give you any shit about your diet. That shit's all
gonna change next week anyhow. And if he's so smart, how come
he's not...uh, like, a nuclear scientist, or President, or something?"
~
"It's not
cheating if the bitch really wants it."
~
"If some
dude flips you off in the car, follow him around. It'll really
make him nervous even if you don't kill him."
~
"And don't
call it 'shooting the bird'. What are you, eight?"
~
"If it's
something you want your wife to do with you, like go to a stock
car race, tell her it'll be fun. If it's something you need to
do by yourself, like grill, tell her it's work."
~
"Radiation
never hurt anybody. If it did, they wouldn't put it in your shoes."
~
"The average
amount of sex to have in a week is always one time less than
I'm having it."
~
"I don't
believe in God, really, but that don't mean I won't punch a guy
for talking shit about religion."
~
"No matter
what these political correctness people tell you, it's okay to
hate the Jews. Just call them bankers or Europeans."
~
"Cancer isn't
funny. Unless it's nut cancer or ass cancer, and you don't have
it."
~
"Let me tell
you something. Bud may have gone up to two dollars a mug, but
it's worth every penny."
~
"You know
what else isn't cheating? Hookers."
~
"Sure, some
people go for the classic appeal of a baseball bat or the affordability
and portability of a sawed-off pool cue, but a golf club gets
the job done too, plus it's classy."
~
"Women don't
like it when you call it fucking. They prefer more caring words,
like making love or doing it."
~
"A lot of
kids today are wearing trucker hats, wallet chains, work boots,
and mechanic's jackets. I'm no lawyer, but I think it's probably
okay to kill people like that."
~
"I'm no alcoholic,
but give me another six shots of Rumpleminze and shut the fuck
up about it!!!."
