LUDIC LOG

CBS anchorman Dan Rather stares into a video monitor slightly behind and to the left of hem that we can't see, but that we can hear perfectly well. Shots ring out and the anchor looks on, expressionless, as horrible gulps and death-rattles issue from the monitor.

DICK: Duh-ummuh! Uh...goo-ah, gah. Hrrr-ulp! Bleah. Hwooh...arhkkh.

DAN: I'm sorry, Mr. Vice-President. I didn't quite catch that.

DICK: Arrrl-huh. M'leh -- akkkkch! Pah. Hk-urlp!

Dan feigns extreme interest but is in fact quite bored. He speaks to the monitor, which we can see is now filled with running feet and several sprays of blood on the camera lens.

DAN: Let's go to our Washington correspondent, Thalia Assuras. Uh, Thalia, can you understand what the vice-president is saying?

THALIA: Dan, he seems to be gesturing at his throat, which is emitting a reddish substance of some sort. It looks to this reporter to be blood, but we don't want to engage in any kind of speculation this early on. The camera crew and I are going to try to move in closer.

DICK: Akkth. Ph-pah! Urlk. Mehhhk...blaaah.

DAN: Mr. Vice-President, along those same lines, what are your thoughts on the U.N.'s reluctance to commit international troops to the rebuilding process in Iraq? Do you think their requests for concessions are reasonable?

DICK: ...

DAN: Mr. Vice-President? Should I repeat the question?

DICK: Phaph...ba-llaaaack! Murt...murt...acccchtht! Kaboobie goo!

THALIA: Dan, the vice-president seems to be answering your question by means of some sort of body language, or interpretative dance. It's similar in style to mime, or perhaps a kind of seizure or convulsion. He's now being surrounded by white-suited men and women with medical equipment of various kinds, although to call them 'doctors' or 'paramedics' at such an early stage of the game would be irresponsible journalism.

DICK: Gaaaaaaaaaah. Hgak. Choke...gasp...hooooouff.

THALIA: The vice-president is now being led away, or rather driven away, in a vehicle that resembles an ambulance or emergency response truck. Although, I've learned in my many years as a White House correspondent not to make any assumptions, heh heh.

DAN: Ah ha ha ha. Right you are, Thalia.

THALIA: We're going to have to go back to you in the studio, Dan, as the Secret Service, or possibly some anonymous black-suited strangers, are firing or causing to be fired or being in the vicinity of the firing of a gun, or guns, or gun-like objects, at, in, on, or into the air, although this is strictly off the record at this point.

Cut to The McLaughlin Group, already in progress.

JOHN: Tonight's assassination of Vice-President Cheney, obviously the work of al-Q'aeda werewolves, was NO SURPRISE to those of us inside the Beltway! I cam out AGAINST THE WEREWOLVES over three years ago, right here in this very studio IN THIS VERY CHAIR. Tony BLANK-ley?

TONY: I think the liberal media should shoulder at least some of the blame here for not informing the public about the al-Q'aeda werewolf threat. You can't get the cure if no one tells you you've just died of the disease. Or something like that.

JOHN: NOT TO MENTION THE SCHOOLS. Charles Peeeeeeeeeeeen-ya?

Charles seems to be experiencing some gastrointestinal dismay.

CHARLES: B'oh-aaaaaaaaaaaah.

PAT BUCHANAN: Absolutely, Charles. For once I agree with you. These Islamist lycanthropes are a threat to us all, not just cabinet members. I'm sure we're all glad that Vice-President Cheney is dead, but it's only a matter of time before they kill someone important, like the Pope or David Horowitz. And then where would we be?

GERARD BAKER: Now, Pat, first of all, we aren't all happy that the vice-president is dead. Ha ha.

JOHN: Present company EXCEPTED, of course.

PAT: Ha ha.

TONY: Oh hee ho.

JOHN: Har, har.

GERARD: Heh, heh. But seriously, Vice-President Cheney was an asset to this country when alive. Dead, he may be less effective a leader than William A. Wheeler. And, I hate to be the one to have to say it...

PAT: Oh, no.

JOHN: HERE we go.

GERARD: ...but we really have no idea that this was the work of al-Q'aeda werewolves. The shots came from nowhere and no suspects have been identified by the police, so in the absence of any conclusive evidence, we at least have to consider the possibility that the assassins were Taliban or Republican Guard werewolves, or perhaps even a vampire.

He is shouted down by the rest of the group.