|
|
|
|
Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: You know why they're called deadlines? Because you wish you were dead. I stole that joke from Slappy White's stand-in! "Cubs suck" "typical industrialist caricature" "mail order bride divorce" "big bear chainsaw" "the colored women monologues" "worst soda flavors" "the stud king of the tigers" "rappers are not musicians" |
08.26.2004
John Edwards: "If you have any question about what John Kerry is made of, just spend three minutes with the men who served with him..." Capt. Merrill Stubing: I sailed with John Kerry. Yeoman Burl 'Gopher' Smith: I sailed with John Kerry. Isaac Washington: Was he the tall dude, kinda tan, horse-face-lookin' guy? Yeah, I remember him! He was outta sight. I mean, uh, I sailed with John Kerry. Cruise Director Julie McCoy: John Kerry has not been honest about what happened aboard the Pacific Princess in episode S4E97, "Mind My Wife". Also, he said he would join the Aloha Deck A.M. Shuffle-Board-Of-Directors, and he did not. Ashley Covington Evans ("Ace"): He is lying about his record. He is lying about his service. He is lying about how The Love Boat jumped the shark when talented character actor Ted McGinley joined the cast. Dr. Adam Bricker: I know John Kerry is lying about his first Hawaiian cruise because I treated him on that voyage. He says he got sunstroke from spending too much time laying out, but I know that he really had the trots. The guy must have gone through three gallons of Imodium A-D. Isaac Washington: Hey, is this gonna be on tee vee? Make sure you get my good side, man! Oh, who am I kidding, they're all good sides. Far out! Oh, and John Kerry is a real phony, man. I guess. Hey, I'm getting paid for this, right? Vicki Stubing: John Kerry lied to win the invitational limbo contest. Not everyone saw this because they're not as short as I am, but I know. I was there. I saw what happened. His shoulders totally brushed the deck. Captain Merrill Stubing: His account of what happened when he was invited to my table to sit with Charo, Jill St. John and a young Tom Hanks and what actually happened are the difference between night and day. Charo: Zhan Keeree, he no bean honiss! Ayiyiyiyiyi! Aaron Spelling: He lacks the capacity to lead. And I'm not just saying that because I'm jonesing for another upper-class tax cut. The guy was a complete ox in front of the camera. Yeoman Burl 'Gopher' Smith: When the chips were down, and you needed someone's cooperation to further a zany scheme to win the heart of the beautiful college student you met in Puerto Vallarta by pretending you were a Nobel Prize-winning biochemist, you could not count on John Kerry. Cruise Director Judy McCoy: John Kerry is no pinochle champion. Capt. Merrill Stubing: He betrayed all his cruisemates...he lied on his complimentary passenger feedback card. Dr. Adam Bricker: John Kerry betrayed the sexy singles he sailed with, played bingo with, and took free SCUBA lessons with. Ashley Covington Evans: John Kerry likes to pretend that he's like Sgt. Harry 'Bull' Bulewsky, the Korean veteran played by Vic Tayback who couldn't stop talking about his military service in Episode S4E81 ("Sergeant Bull"), but he's really a coward and a traitor, more like Captain Stubing's younger brother Milo the Hippie in Episode S4E89 ("The Return of the Captain's Brother"), played by Gavin MacLeod in a rare triple-role but credited to the pseudonym 'Sonny Wilde'. Dr. Adam Bricker: I sailed with John Kerry...John Kerry cannot be trusted. Also, I'm almost positive he stole one of my smoking jackets. Love Boat Veterans for Truth is
responsible for the content of this advertisement.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Life is a fatal adventure. It can have only one end. So why not make it as far-ranging and free as possible?" (Alexander Eliot) |