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08.28.2002
"...so he calls me
'the Mussolini of g-funk'. Can you believe that?"
"Well, frankly, yes."
"What?"
"You're a fascist."
"I'm an anarchist.
Well, technically, I'm an anti-authoritarian."
"Please."
"What's that supposed
to mean?"
"Anarchists make
the best fascists. They're kissing cousins."
"Kissing cousins?
Are you sure you're using that phrase correctly?"
"See what I mean?"
"No."
"You're a hippie
in jackboots. You're the most authoritarian person I've ever
met. Most anarchists are closet brownshirts."
"And your historical
examples are what? Did Hitler go to Black Bloc meetings? Or was
it August Spies beating up Gypsies that tipped you off?"
"Your anti-authoritarian
pose is belied by the fact that you're an opinion bully. You
love telling people what to do. Or rather, what not to do. You've
got more prohibitions than the Pentateuch."
"You're really sexy
when you insult me alliteratively."
"Think about it.
You constantly talk about killing people or banishing them from
the face of the earth. In practice you're heavily into government
regulation and the legal process. You hate the cops, but it's
really because of who they bust instead of what they do. You're
in love with violence and you identify heavily with tough guys
and thugs. You write stories about being the head of a secret
torture squad. You're a totalitarian in disguise. Most anarchists
are."
"This is disturbingly
similar to Ann Coulter saying that liberals live to tell other
people what to do."
"You are not
comparing me to Ann Coulter."
"No!"
"Oh, yes you are,
I think so."
"Not at all. I just
said that your argument is the sort of thing that Ann Coulter
would say. Also you both have that horse-face thing going on.
That's not comparing you."
"Eat me."
"Not a chance. I'm
a fascist. I like leather boys, like Ernst Rohm."
"Seriouly, dude.
You need to psychologically check yourself before you politically
wreck yourself. It's a good thing anarchism is a complete pipe
dream, because if you were ever in a position of power it would
make Stalinist Russia look like Studio 54."
"Okay, give me one
example."
"Are you kidding?
Listen to yourself talk for one day. You say more things should
be banned, destroyed or eradicated in the space of an hour than
Ashcroft has in his whole tenure."
"Oh, my God. Your
rhetoric is dazzling."
"Am I wrong? Tell
me I'm wrong."
"Well, it's not that
you're wrong..."
"Exactly!"
"No, no! It's a world
of difference. I only want to see stuff I hate go away. I would
never actually destroy or suppress it."
"That's only because
you're powerless. It's easy to talk about freedom when you're
impotent."
"Oh, man. I knew
the needledick jokes would start after a while. You're ignoring
the fact that I'm an isolationist. I'm about withdrawal, not
activism."
"Sure. Because you
know your beliefs don't stand a chance of becoming reality. In
the marketplace of ideas, anarchism is sauerkraut juice."
"Terrific."
"You're a fascist.
You even have a football head like Mussolini."
"Great."
"Face it."
"Well...you're dating
a fascist. You're Eva Braun. You're Evita Peron. You're Margherita
Sarfatti."
"And you don't even
buy me nice clothes."
"I'm operating on
a small scale here. Anyway, would it be so bad, living in a world
where I was an absolute dictator?"
"One can only imagine
who you would put in the labor camps."
"Singer-songwriters.
People who put raisins in chili. People who throw home run balls
back."
"People who paid
to see 'Charlie's Angels'."
"Anyone who bought
'The Celestine Prophecies'. Henry Rollins and Bret Easton Ellis.
Record executives."
"My sister."
"You have to admit
it's a pretty appealing scenario."
"Sure, but you'd
go mad with power. It happens to every dictator. You'd start
coming after anyone you perceived as a threat to your ideology.
People with tattoos of butterflies or sports logos. Business
and education majors. Guys who only drink foreign beers."
"I only drink foreign
beers."
"Exactly. And when
you come for you, there'll be no one left to speak up."
"You could protect
me."
"I have a cell phone.
I'd be dead in the first purges."
"Oh, yeah."
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