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LUDIC LOG

08.28.2002

"...so he calls me 'the Mussolini of g-funk'. Can you believe that?"

"Well, frankly, yes."

"What?"

"You're a fascist."

"I'm an anarchist. Well, technically, I'm an anti-authoritarian."

"Please."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Anarchists make the best fascists. They're kissing cousins."

"Kissing cousins? Are you sure you're using that phrase correctly?"

"See what I mean?"

"No."

"You're a hippie in jackboots. You're the most authoritarian person I've ever met. Most anarchists are closet brownshirts."

"And your historical examples are what? Did Hitler go to Black Bloc meetings? Or was it August Spies beating up Gypsies that tipped you off?"

"Your anti-authoritarian pose is belied by the fact that you're an opinion bully. You love telling people what to do. Or rather, what not to do. You've got more prohibitions than the Pentateuch."

"You're really sexy when you insult me alliteratively."

"Think about it. You constantly talk about killing people or banishing them from the face of the earth. In practice you're heavily into government regulation and the legal process. You hate the cops, but it's really because of who they bust instead of what they do. You're in love with violence and you identify heavily with tough guys and thugs. You write stories about being the head of a secret torture squad. You're a totalitarian in disguise. Most anarchists are."

"This is disturbingly similar to Ann Coulter saying that liberals live to tell other people what to do."

"You are not comparing me to Ann Coulter."

"No!"

"Oh, yes you are, I think so."

"Not at all. I just said that your argument is the sort of thing that Ann Coulter would say. Also you both have that horse-face thing going on. That's not comparing you."

"Eat me."

"Not a chance. I'm a fascist. I like leather boys, like Ernst Rohm."

"Seriouly, dude. You need to psychologically check yourself before you politically wreck yourself. It's a good thing anarchism is a complete pipe dream, because if you were ever in a position of power it would make Stalinist Russia look like Studio 54."

"Okay, give me one example."

"Are you kidding? Listen to yourself talk for one day. You say more things should be banned, destroyed or eradicated in the space of an hour than Ashcroft has in his whole tenure."

"Oh, my God. Your rhetoric is dazzling."

"Am I wrong? Tell me I'm wrong."

"Well, it's not that you're wrong..."

"Exactly!"

"No, no! It's a world of difference. I only want to see stuff I hate go away. I would never actually destroy or suppress it."

"That's only because you're powerless. It's easy to talk about freedom when you're impotent."

"Oh, man. I knew the needledick jokes would start after a while. You're ignoring the fact that I'm an isolationist. I'm about withdrawal, not activism."

"Sure. Because you know your beliefs don't stand a chance of becoming reality. In the marketplace of ideas, anarchism is sauerkraut juice."

"Terrific."

"You're a fascist. You even have a football head like Mussolini."

"Great."

"Face it."

"Well...you're dating a fascist. You're Eva Braun. You're Evita Peron. You're Margherita Sarfatti."

"And you don't even buy me nice clothes."

"I'm operating on a small scale here. Anyway, would it be so bad, living in a world where I was an absolute dictator?"

"One can only imagine who you would put in the labor camps."

"Singer-songwriters. People who put raisins in chili. People who throw home run balls back."

"People who paid to see 'Charlie's Angels'."

"Anyone who bought 'The Celestine Prophecies'. Henry Rollins and Bret Easton Ellis. Record executives."

"My sister."

"You have to admit it's a pretty appealing scenario."

"Sure, but you'd go mad with power. It happens to every dictator. You'd start coming after anyone you perceived as a threat to your ideology. People with tattoos of butterflies or sports logos. Business and education majors. Guys who only drink foreign beers."

"I only drink foreign beers."

"Exactly. And when you come for you, there'll be no one left to speak up."

"You could protect me."

"I have a cell phone. I'd be dead in the first purges."

"Oh, yeah."

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Quote of the Day: "Real nobility is based on scorn, courage and profound indifference." (Albert Camus)