LUDIC LOG

"Make-a-Wish Foundation, this is Claire."

"Yeah, hi, Claire. I talked to Tina in records management and she referred me to you."

"What can I do for you, sir?"

"Well...my name is Mark Randall, and a couple of years ago, I sponsored a kid named Harrison Veneman. I contributed a substantial amount of money so that he could fulfill his dream of visiting Antarctica."

"Oh, I remember Harrison! That was wonderful. He brought back some beautiful pictures, and I understand that he actually assisted the research crews down there quite a bit, even though he was only 12. He said it was so interesting that he'd like to become a scientist when he grows up!"

"Actually, that's the reason I'm calling you today."

"How do you mean, Mr. Randall?"

"You know how you guys send out pictures and info on the kids to people who donate?"

"Yes, sir. We feel that helps you get to know the child, so it seems more personal and not just a faceless monetary donation."

"Well, see, what happened is, I was over at the farmer's market this weekend, and I saw him."

"Saw who?"

"Harrison Veneman. The kid with cancer that I helped send to the Antarctic."

"Oh, really? That's wonderful! Did you talk to him? How's he doing?"

"He's doing fine. That's my point."

"I...I don't think I understand."

"He's still alive."

"Oh...yes! It's really a remarkable thing. He's had a rather startling recovery...the disease is in nearly full remission, which is very unusual for bone marrow cancer. It's a real success story."

"Sure, for him, maybe."

"I'm not sure what you're getting at, Mr. Randall. You don't, well, frankly, you don't sound like you're happy."

"I'm not happy!"

"But...but why not? The young man you so graciously donated your money to help is almost completely cured of a terrible disease!"

"Exactly."

"What?"

"I didn't give money to fulfill the whim of some sick kid who was gonna get better, Claire. I gave money to fulfill the dying wish of a kid with a terminal disease. It just doesn't feel like I got my money's worth."

"Your...you...uh..."

"I mean, if I give a couple of grand to make a dying kid's wish come true, I expect him to keep his end of the bargain. Isn't that the whole purpose of Make-a-Wish?"

"We, we help both terminal cases and cases of severe and advanced-stage illness, Mr. Randall."

"It just seems like kind of a rip-off, you know what I'm saying? Because, I mean, hell, who knows what's gonna happen now? He lives to see 30, maybe he could have gone to Antarctica on his own dime, right?"

"Er..."

"I mean, I had the flu last week, and I got better. Nobody's buying me a damn Carnival Cruise."

"What exactly can I do for you, Mr. Randall?"

"Well, to be honest with you, I was wondering if I could get my money back."

"Get your money back."

"Yes."

"From a charity."

"If that's possible."

"Because a little boy didn't die of cancer."

"I feel like we had a deal. I held up my side, but he didn't come through."

"By dying, you mean."

"This reminds me of the time I gave to the Dole campaign, and he lost. Talk about a one-sided arrangement. I'm still tied up in legislation with that one. Not that I'm threatening you or anything. I'm just saying."

"Mr. Randall, you're not very familiar with the whole concept of charitable giving, are you?"

"If by 'charitable giving' you mean 'fake cancer scam', I guess not."

"You're...you...do you know what you are, Mr. Randall?"

"I'm results-oriented."