LUDIC LOG

SALES INCREASE FALLS SHORT

The Household Sundries division reported a record 52% increase in sales this quarter, with strong showings in the cookware and cleaning supplies markets leading to a late-period surge that contributed to the record-setting total. Management notes that it goal for the quarter was a 75% increase, however, and will therefore be making extensive cuts in Household Sundries. A representative for the workers responsible for this failure pointed out that previously, the highest one-quarter increase in history for the division was 12%, and that the 75% figure was unrealistically high; but management responds by pointing to the inspirational poster that reads 'Make an Effort, Not an Excuse'. Those workers in Household Sundries who retain their jobs will be given additional inspirational posters to place about the production facility.

FEWER WORKPLACE INJURIES REPORTED

For the first time since August of 2000, workplace safety goals have been met and fewer injuries have been reported than at any time since the OSHA investigation of 1997. (Please note: the confidentiality waviers signed by all employees regarding said investigation are still binding.) Management is pleased to note the substantial drop-off in workplace injuries, and credits their new policy of discouraging employees from reporting accidents. "It's simple," says metal shop foreman Al Greenbriar. "The fewer injuries get reported, the fewer injuries it appears are taking place. Our new policy of bribing, threatening and generally discouraging employees out of reporting their frequent and numerous injuries makes us all look good." Employees with minor injuries are encouraged to keep quiet about it, and employees with major injuries which impede their ability to perform their job functions are welcome to stay home without pay until such time as they are healthy enough to resume their duties.

NEWSLETTER A GREAT SUCCESS

The brand-new company newsletter is a runaway success, as evidenced by the fact you are reading it right now. Many factors contributed to the success of the project, including the glossy format, full-color photos, mandatory reading requirement, and Friday afternoon quizzes on newsletter content that are a requirement for collecting a paycheck. Management reminds you that the newsletter must be read, and must be read on your own time. Many people have helped out in the creation of the newsletter, but there is simply not room to list them all. Or any of them.

COMPLAINTS SETTLED

Management has finally settled a longstanding dispute amongst those who objected to the article in the January 2003 newsletter which detailed the company's plan to "put the fear of God" into the employees through a series of random firings and the appointment of temporary workers to even the most difficult and technically challenging positions. Those who objected to the plan have been fired, and those who objected only to the language of the plan are directed towards a revised edition which appears elsewhere in this issue. Muslims are now informed that the fear of Allah will be put into them, Hindus the fear of Shiva, and so on. Nondenomination employees, as well as atheists and agnostics, will be fired.

WORKPLACE VIOLENCE SEMINAR SCHEDULED

Friday, September 5th, a mandatory seminar on the topic of workplace violence has been scheduled in the break room. It will last one hour and will take the place of a lunch break. Topics to be covered include the time and the place for workplace violence; learning to direct your anger at co-workers instead of at management; restricting the use of violence to off-site targets such as family members, service industry employees, and homeless people; suicide vs. homicide; and how to schedule your workplace violence in such a way as to not interfere with production deadlines.

OFFICIAL POLICY ON DISCRIMINATION

Discrimination on the basis of racial, sexual, age, gender, and religious grounds is a violation of federal, state and local laws to which the management has committed to comply. In addition, it is the stated policy of this company to discourage the presence of racism, sexism, age discrimination, homophobia and religious intolerance in the workplace at all times. In order to help us fulfill our legal and ethical obligations, we ask each and every employee to not report the rampant bigotry, discrimination and harrassment that makes up the great majority of their working day. We cannot appear to be in compliance with the law without your help in covering up our constant violations of those laws.

NEW HOLIDAY SCHEDULE

Many employees have asked if rumors concerning the relocation of many of our production facilities to Bangla Desh are true. In an effort to stave off loose talk, we are announcing here that it is not true. In fact, production facilities are being moved to Afghanistan. However, this will not result in massive layoffs, as some have claimed! Every employee who is willing to relocate to Afghanistan at severely reduced pay will have a chance to keep his or her job. Futhermore, there will be ample opportunities for advancement for any employees who speak Pashtun. Finally, in deference to local customs, we will be eliminating all American holidays and replacing them with Muslim holidays as soon as we are legally required to do so. In the meantime, there will be no more paid holidays.