LUDIC LOG

With eternal apologies to Mrs. G. Flaubert and L. Lapham, I present: still more Received Ideas for a New Millennium.

CAPITALISM: The only rational economic system. God's very own best idea. Always works out best for the largest number of people (this is a tautology).

CELEBRITIES: Decry them, but secretly wish you were one. Condemn the national obsession with celebrities by talking about them constantly. You no longer have to be rich or even famous to be a celebrity.

CHOICE: The most important thing to have in a democracy. The most common kind of choice to have is consumer choice; when you have to do something that people criticize you for, say you had no choice. Choice is a great thing, but be careful not to use the phrase "pro-choice".

CHRISTIANITY: More a lifestyle than a religion, but still, mention God a lot. All the worthwhile aspects of civilization were produced by Christianity. The Greeks and Romans were Christian, they just didn't know it.

DEMOCRACY: Democracy is the most important thing about America. It is almost the most important thing about other countries; it's important for our allies to be decomcratic, sort of. You can still be a democracy even if a large number of your citizens cannot vote (see ISRAEL).

DRUGS: Declare war on them (see TERRORISM). Countries that have tried legalizing them have all failed. The drugs that you take are demonstratably harmless.

EUROPE: Say "old Europe". When Europe was Christian, it produces great things; now that it has become socialist, it only imports great things from America. Europeans are all rude.

FREEDOM: Synonymous with CAPITALISM. Talk about freedom to, not freedom from. People take advantage of their freedom. Thousands of people fought and died for our freedoms, so we should be very careful about exercising those freedoms.

GEOGRAPHY: The best possibly topic of conversation other than the weather. Say where you are from, ask where others are from, and proceed. Apparently geography was once a science.

HOMOSEXUALITY: It is not 'natural'. Gode created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. If you are homosexual, you must insist it is not a choice.

ISRAEL: The only democracy in the middle east. A friend to the United States. The fact that it is not the most powerful country in the world is proof that God is not a Jew.

MEDIA: talk about media 'bias'. Say there is a 'liberal media', or, if you want to be different, say there is no liberal media. There is no such thing as 'a media'. Talk about the media as if it were a person, and say it is doing this or that.

THE PAST: Things were better in the past. When you discuss social problems, assert that they were never this bad when you were young. The music, food, and movies were much better then, the politicians were more honest, and even the weather was nicer. Even if everything wasn't better in the past, it is undeniable that things are worse now than they have ever been.

RIGHTS: Rights are the most important thing to have in a democracy, aside from CHOICE (q.v.). Everything you want to do, you have the right to do. There is a difference between rights and privileges, but no one is sure what it is; at any rate, rights are better than privileges.

SOCIALISM: Merely mentioning the word is proof enough that an idea is a bad one.

STATES: Make sure you know what kind you are talking about: 'the state' is bad, and promotes things like socialism and political correctness, but 'the states' are good, and should have the final say in political matters. Talk about 'states' rights'; this used to mean something else, but everyone has forgotten what it was.

SPORTS: It's healthy to be involved with sports, as a spectator and a participant, but this can be taken too far. Everyone else is far too serious about sports; you just watch them to have fun. Mention that 'fan' is short for 'fanatic'. When discussing sports is a good time to show off what you know about Freudianism, especially if you know very little about both sports and Freud.

SWEDEN: Sure, they have a successful economy that combines capitalism and socialism, but taxes are really high! All Swedes eventually committ suicide.

TAXES: People can be certain only of this and death. Taxes are always bad. No one knows why we pay them.

TERRORISM: Condemn it in the strongest possible terms. Journalists are afraid of this word. Declare war on it. Everything bad that happens is ultimately because of terrorism.