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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: What's over here in the updates section? Fucking nothing is what. "Albania fucking" "the richest people on earth" "United States president gorilla orangutan" "pictures of Mila Kunis wearing boots" "how to stalk Bjork" "Tirana hookers" "cock Roches" "Love Boat Veterans for Truth" |
09.09.2004
KHALID AL-MIHD'HAR: Well, obviously, I can't speak for the others, but I did it because I'm evil. Plain and simple. I don't remember when I first became aware of the fact that I'm evil, but I think I've probably been evil since I was a little kid. You're born that way. It's what do you call it, genetic. Anyway, it's not a choice. This is just the sort of thing you do when you're evil. MAJED MOQ'ED: I'm a Muslim, and Muslim is a gutter religion of demon worshipers. As such, it's my spiritual obligation to follow the Seven Pillars of Islam: give alms to the poor, make a pilgrimage to Mecca at least once, pray five times a day, fast during Ramadan, recognize that there is one God and that Mohammed is his prophet, actively seek the death of all doglike Jews, and whenever possible, attack and kill Americans. It's simply a matter of faith. NAWAF AL-HAZMI: Man, I didn't even want to do it. My cousin Salem just pushed me into it. He was all daring me, calling me chicken, that kinda shit. I would just have soon been watching the Dolphins. SALEM AL-HAZMI: Hey, don't try and pin this whole thing on me, Nawaf. It's not my fault you're susceptible to peer pressure. I only wanted to do it to see if you would do it. I was going to yell "Psych!" right before we hit, but you know, things kept coming up and there just wasn't time. HANI HANJOUR: I did it because I hate freedom. I mean, in the abstract, don't we all hate freedom? Most of my friends and I, hating freedom is basically what we're all about. But in particular, I hate Americans for their freedom. It seems like every time I'd turn around, there would be someone saying things or doing things. Like this one guy down the block from me, he was always going from place to place. And his wife almost never wore a burqa. So I figured that maybe if I crashed a plane into a shitload of people all the freedom would stop. SATAM AL-SUQ'AMI: Saddam Hussein made me do it. We were all totally in cahoots with them, and we figured no one would ever find out. Anyway, it was all Saddam Hussein's idea, and when Saddam Hussein tells you to do something, brother, you do it! WALEED AL-SHEH'RI: Well, I went to college in America, so naturally, I was saturated with post-modernism and moral relativism. This taught me that even if I were to do something horrible, no one would judge me, so I did! WA'IL AL-SHEH'RI: I just kept hearing everyone say that Islam is a religion of peace, and I was all, ha ha! What a bunch of suckers! I mean, wouldn't you get sick of hearing that? Like, I got your religion of peace! Step off, bitch! MOHAMMED ATTA: I honestly didn't think I'd be able to get away with it. I kept plotting and planning and scheming, and I thought, any day now, the authorities are going to catch me, and that'll be the end of Mohammed Kevin Atta. But, thanks to American democratic presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton's systematic dismantling of your country's intelligence and military capabilities, I got off scot-free! Well, except for dying. Anyway, always remember: Democrats, if not actually pro-terror, are at least soft on terror. Go Democrats! ABDULAZIZ AL-OMARI: Uh, I did it, um, because, for Palestine. For what is, for what happens in Palestine. MARWAN AL-SHEH'HI: Some of the guys are going to tell you it was because of Palestine. You want to know something? I don't give a fuck about Palestine. I don't even know where Palestine is. You show me a world map and I'll pick out Pascagoula, Mississippi before I can tell you where the hell Palestine might be. But, like everyone I have ever met or known in my life, I hate Jews, and if you tell me that Jews are doing something bad in Palestine or New York or Freedonia or whereever, that's reason enough for me to commit suicide. FAYEZ BANIHAMMAD: I just figured the United States would invade Iraq someday, so I might as well get a head start on revenge. AHMED AL-GHAMDI: Okay, here's how it works: I am an Arab. And the only thing an Arab respects is strength. That's why we all have so much respect for Israel. When we kill Americans, what do you do? You just bomb a couple, ten thousand of our wives and children. If you'd just reduce Mecca and Medina to rubble, we'd finally get the message and all the terrorism would stop! When I would lip off to Osama bin-Laden, he'd haul his rickety, bearded ass up off the stone chair and smack the snot out of me with his cane. You think Mr. 'Sensitive War' John Kerry is gonna hit me with a cane? Fuck no! Cheney was right, man. Vote for that dude and we're all right back in there. If I was alive today instead of burning in the fires of Gehenna, I'd totally fly a plane into Disneyland. HAMZA AL-GHAMDI: I did it because I hate women. None of us were Afghani, and we'd never even visited Afghanistan during the Taliban regime, but we really liked the way that they wouldn't let chicks get an education and stuff. We figured that if we blew up a couple of skyscrapers, the Americans might panic and take away all women's civil rights. You win some, you lose some. MOHAND AL-SHEH'RI: Not that I want to contradict -- okay, look. The other guys all had perfectly valid reasons for for doing what we did. But, and if this gets them pissed off like it always used to, so be it, I just had this theory that the sound made by a plane crashing into a building at 500 miles an hour would be really cool. And I was right. I only wish I'd had more than .0000003 seconds to enjoy it. SA'EED AL-GHAMDI: I don't want to sound like a big copycat, but I really am just going to have to go with Khalid's answer. I did it because I'm evil. The temptation is to overanalyze stuff like this and make it seem more complicated than it really is, but it basically all boils down to evil. Evil! AHMED AL-HAZNAWI: Eh, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree, Sa'eed. Sure, part of it is because we're evil. I mean, no one's questioning that. I'm evil, you're evil, Mohammed was evil, we're all evil. That's a given. But there's lots of ways to be evil. If it was just that we're evil, we could have stayed home, raped our children and murdered our wives, and saved a truckload on plane fair. It's partly because we're evil, but also a little bit of what Hani says about how we hate freedom. As long as anyone can vote, we're going to be filled with murderous rage. Man, every time I'd turn on the TBS SuperStation and see someone excercising their freedom, I would get so honked off! AHMED AL-NAMI: This is obviously a very hot-button issue, and as with most hot-button issues, people tend to focus on the cultural and social aspects of it and ignore the far more important economic ones. We did it, essentially, because we are communists. We all admire Joseph Stalin. We all hate globalism. We're all socialists. And it's not done to talk about this, but that's what it boils down to: sure, this was a blow against women's rights and freedom and democracy and modernity and all that. But it was also a blow against Starbuck's and Wal-Mart and IKEA. It was a blow against shopping. The only proper use of money is the way Osama bin-Laden uses it, to kill Americans and build orbiting laser cannons to melt the Washington Monument. Although you didn't hear that from me. ZIAD SAMIR JAR'RAH: I listen to a lot of rap music. That shit gives you some crazy ideas. |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Death used to announce itself in the thick of life but now people drag on so long it sometimes seems that we are reaching the stage when we may have to announce ourselves to death. It is as though one needs a special strength to die, and not a final weakness." (Ronald Blythe) |