LUDIC LOG

"Hello, and welcome in to SportsCenter. Tonight: plays, flays and slays from the wide wide world of sports -- no quarter asked, no quarter given, no copyright infringement intended. Let's go straight to the highlights."

"Right you are."

"In World Cup qualifier soccer action, it was a zoot suit riot as the Italians squared off trying to top perennial foes the English in a knife-on-chain football fracas."

"Fun!"

"Twenty bloodless innings of the first half, Italy takes an early lead, pitching half-empty bottles of Frascati at seasons Manchester United fans."

"Bottom of the top finds Blighty on the offensive, confusing the south siders with razzle-dazzle as they throw out their patented shouts of 'wop', 'guinea', 'Eye-tie bastards', and 'va fanculo'."

"That's a language anyone can understand."

"First points on the board to Britain, as they use the trademark rush-and-crush offense to bring in an early bodycount of four."

"But the Torino squad didn't get the reputation they've gained for soccer-violence domination by letting themselves get steamrolled, and coming out of the half, they tie things up by the tried-and-true method of stabbling the English team in the eyeballs with knives."

"You just can't beat the fundamentals."

"No, you can't."

"Over to baseball, and the New York Yankees square off with divisional rivals the Phillies of Philadelphia in a beanball battle royale."

"Battle royale, of course, is French for Whopper, and this interleague match certainly was a whopper. Bottom of the second, tied at one, the Rocket, Roger Clemens, takes it to the dome of Phillie first baseman Jim Thome. It barely grazes him, as you can see from the clip; there's hardly any blood coming from his nose, and he's able to count the number of fingers in front of him after only two minutes. But Thome is really shaken."

"You can't teach fright."

"No, you can't."

"Top of the fourth, Phils down by a run, Vicente Padilla seeks to even the score with a south-of-the-border delight -- that's red beans -- putting one right in the face of second baseman Alfonso Soriano."

"Face and helmet will both need reconstructive surgery."

"Umpire Tim McClelland issues the standard warning, but this is anything but a standard match-up."

"Top five, the Rocket launches a moonshot directly off McClelland's facemask, and he's down for the count."

"Clemens would be ejected by new home plate umpire Chuck Merriweather, leaving Padilla to hospitalize the heart of the Yankee lineup. He'd eventually get the hook as well, but the game ends with a 6-4 Phillies win and a grand total of nine batters plunked."

"The major league record of six hospitalized batters is still unbroken, though."

"Now over to auto racing, where Talladega saw breakneck speed and breakneck, er, broken necks."

"Now, some people don't think auto racing is a real violent sport, because most of the injuries are accidental. But those people obviously haven't seen the offensive driving of these aces."

"But don't take our word for it. There's pickup mikes on those car-cams for a reason."