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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: Lists and sausage will return next week.
"funky fries" "MODOK" "antique cocks" "teeth plaque conspiracy Metallica" "Howard Roark Vic Sage" "naked nerds" "he's totally ripped" "Nazi twins" |
09.18.2004
The
world today is a violent place. Terrorism, war, genocide and
bloodshed are in the headlines every day. But in the rush to find
a culprit -- drugs? a turning away from religion? video
games? -- no one has considered the most obvious suspect of all: national anthems. In nearly
every nation on Earth, the song meant to embody everything dear and
sacred to the national character of its citizens is more bloody and
hostile than a Geto Boys best-of CD. Take a look at part 3 of
this ongoing
series from the Ludic Log, and judge for
yourself: before we have another UN intervention, international
treaty or trade agreement, might we not consider a massive program of
anthem reform? Next up: Europe. Country: Albania Dangerous lyrics: "battle" (x2), "enemies" (x2), "dying". Notes: Another typical let's-all-die-for-the-fatherland number, albeit not as fiery as you might expect given that it's Albania and all. Country: Andorra Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Song is actually a tedious mini-history of the tiny country; first line contains reference to being "liberated from the Saracens". Country: Armenia Dangerous lyrics: "foe", "death", "die" (x3). Notes: A pretty grim one, including line about the flag being "bathed in my tears", but they did have that genocide and all. Country: Austria Dangerous lyrics: "fought", "contested", "burdened", "tried" (as in 'tested; x2). Notes: Refers to Austria as "the land of hammers". Country: Azerbaijan Dangerous lyrics: "die", "blood", "defend" (x2), "sacrifice our lives" (x2), "battles", "soldier", "fighting". Notes: Another off-the-rack ready-to-die number, containing the lines "we will die so that you might be alive", "thousands of people sacrificed their lives", AND "we make sacrifice, our lives for you" in only two verses. Country: Belgium Dangerous lyrics: "arms", "blood", "invincible", "immortal". Notes: The Nazis didn't think they were all that invincible. Country: Bulgaria Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: The Bulgurs, who have a rep as one of the most bad-ass people on the continent, actually have a very peaceful, lovely anthem. Real threats don't speak. Country: Croatia Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: The singer calls the country "dear" four times in a row, making the anthem read as if it was written by a henpecked husband. Country: Cyprus Dangerous lyrics: "dreadful", "sword", "dying". Notes: Song mentions Greeks. Song pointedly does not mention Turks. Country: Czech Republic Dangerous lyrics: "a strength that frustrates all defiance". Notes: Begins with repeated line "Where is my home?", but it turns out this is rhetorical. Second anthem to mention crags; says Czechs have "tender souls in agile frames". Country: Denmark Dangerous lyrics: "fray" (x2), "foes", "bones", "mettle". Notes: Extremely Viking. Mentions how hot Danish women are. Country: Estonia Dangerous lyrics: "death", "defend", "shield", "toil". Notes: Touching cradle-to-grave lullaby imagery. Aaaaaaw, Estonia! Country: Finland Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Only national anthem containing the word "grope". Country: France Dangerous lyrics: "tyranny", "bloody" (x2), "howling", "soldiers" (x2), "fearsome", "cut the throats of your sons and consorts", "arms" (x3), "battalion", "march" (x2), "blood", "horde", "slaves", "conspiratorial", "traitors" (x2), "vile" (x2), "chains", "irons", "outrage", "slavery", "foreign cohorts", "phalanx", "mercenary", "cut down", "chained", "warrior", "yield", "yoke", "despots" (x2), "tremble" (x2), "tyrants", "shame", "parricidal", "schemes", "blows", "fall", "fight", "warriors", "sad", "regret", "accomplices", "tigers", "pitilessly ripping open their mother's breasts", "pit", "ashes", "jealous", "coffins", "avenging" (x2), "defenders", "manly", "force", "death", "enemies", "triumph". Notes: Um, holy shit. Without question the most batshit national anthem from beginning to end. Country: Germany Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Germany used to have a slightly more aggressive national anthem, but it fell out of favor around 1946. Country: Georgia Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: "My icon is my motherland". Mine is Orlando Bloom as Legolas, kissing a guy! Country: Greece Dangerous lyrics: "dreadful", "sword", "dying". Notes: Same national anthem as Cyprus. TOTAL RIP! Country: Hungary Dangerous lyrics: "fight", "misfortune". Notes: Highfalutin Hungarians stuck the word "expiated" in their national anthem. Country: Iceland Dangerous lyrics: "warriors", "tear" (x2), "dies". Notes: Song claims that the entire solar system makes a wreath for Iceland. This actually reads like Bjork lyrics. Country: Ireland Dangerous lyrics: "soldiers" (x2), "despot", "slave", "danger", "woe", "cannons", "rifles". Notes: Okay, it's a turbulent country, and yeah, there's a lot of violent imagery, but, you know, it could be worse, considering. It could be France. Country: Italy Dangerous lyrics: "helmet", "slave", "die" (x2). Notes: Italy is referred to as "the slave of Rome" in a positive way. Country: Latvia Dangerous lyrics: none ("harm" is used twice, but in a negative sense). Notes: Boasts of the attractiveness of Latvian women (take that, Denmark!) and the singing ability of Latvian men. Country: Liechtenstein Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Very mellow anthem. You probably don't want to start any shit when there are only four people in your country. Country: Lithuania Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: This one sounds like it's going to veer into 'we stand ready to have our heads ripped off our necks for the glory of the fatherland' territory, but never quite does. Country: Luxembourg Dangerous lyrics: "foreign", "yoke", "threat". Notes: Gets its priorities straight right off the bat with line "the sky promises us wine". Yet another reference to crags. Country: Macedonia Dangerous lyrics: "fight" (x2). Notes: Ends with redundant lyric "Free Macedonia lives free". Country: Malta Dangerous lyrics: "strength". Notes: Highly Catholic country's anthem does a lot of kissing up to God. Country: Moldova Dangerous lyrics: "chain", "burning", "flame", "deathly", "striking", "dark", "bitter", "cries", "poor", "shudder", "tremble", "moan", "wept", "filth", "mold". Notes: Very strange anthem all about tongue. Tongue is compared to treasure, leaves and fire, and said to be made of bread and songs. Country: Monaco Dangerous lyrics: "march" (x2), "slave", "tyrants" (x2), "die", "fight" (x2). Notes: Condescendingly sneers "Your sovereign is better liked than a king". Country: Netherlands Dangerous lyrics: "death", "shield", "wounds", "tyranny". Note: Song pays fealty to Germany and swears allegiance to Spain. No mention made of loyalty to Netherlands. Country: Norway Dangerous lyrics: "dark", "fought", "cried" (x2), "distress". Notes: Anthem ends with somewhat confusing exhortation of willingness to "strike a blow for peace". Country: Poland Dangerous lyrics: "succumbed", "foe", "force", "seized", "sword", "march" (x3), "fighting". Notes: I'm willing to forgive the imagery since Poland has been invaded about sixty thousand times, but the implication that Napoleon will help save the country seems like wishful thinking. Country: Portugal Dangerous lyrics: "immortal", "arms" (x5), "enemy", "guns", "unconquerable", "conquering", "arms", "perished", "cry", "insult", "insults". Notes: Anthem proudly salutes Portugal's proud history of imperialism. Country: Romania Dangerous lyrics: "deadly", "barbaric", "tyrants", "force", "cruel", "blood", "weapons", "fire", "dying", "shouting", "die" (x2), "slaves". Notes: Now that's a third-world-style anthem! Loses points for abandoning crazy Marxist rhetoric for crazy Christian rhetoric, but still an exciting, bloody contrast to boring anthems of non-French portions of Europe. Country: Russia Dangerous lyrics: "force", "might". Notes: Not as snappy as the old Soviet national anthem, and contains many confusing lines that sound badly translated, like "Russia! Favorite our country!" and "One you on light! One you such/Native land stored by the God!". Country: Slovakia Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Lyrics have to do with thunder and lighting encouraging Slovakia to come to life, which conjures strange living-dead/Frankenstein imagery. Seems to be trying really hard to distinguish itself from the Czech Republic. Country: Slovenia Dangerous lyrics: "strife", "enemies" (although these are used in a negative sense). Notes: First verse is a celebration of getting drunk. Country: Sweden Dangerous lyrics: "die" (x2). Notes: Generally untroubling song, especially by the crazy-ass Nordic standards of most anthems of this region. Country: Switzerland Dangerous lyrics: "surrender", "gloom". Notes: Not too much gore here, as might be expected from a famously neutral country. Lyrics are written in six languages. Country: Turkey Dangerous lyrics: "fear", "dismayed", "burning", "fail", "frown", "die", "anger", "blood". Notes: Contains line "I am ready to die for you", although Cypriots and Armenians might suggest an alteration. Country: United Kingdom Dangerous lyrics: "reign", "enemies", "fall", "foe", "assassins", "defend". Notes: Only anthem to mention assassins. Contains enjoyably nasty lines "Scatter our enemies and make them fall/confound their knavish tricks/confuse their politics". Country: Ukraine Dangerous lyrics: "died", "sneer" (x2), "enemies" (x2), "die", "fight", "bloody", "forcible", "black". Notes: In the spirit of increasing pacifist imagery in national anthems, I would like to suggest that the new anthem of the Ukraine be "L'Chaim!" from Fiddler on the Roof. Country: Vatican Dangerous lyrics: "immortal" (x2), "martyrs", "fight", "force", "terror", "hate", "shame". Notes: The Vatican is basically a building with like 300 people in it, and even it comes gangsta in its national anthem. Country: Yugoslavia Dangerous lyrics: "vain" (x2). Notes: True to its modern history, Yugoslavia's national anthem contains lots fo lyrics not conducive to joy and level-headedness, including mentions of "the abyss of hell", and ends with the shouted threat "The traitor of his homeland be damned!". |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Better to be despised for too anxious apphrehensions, than be ruined by too confident a security." (Edmund Burke) |