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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: She's not my special lady, man!
She's my fuckin' lady friend!
"difference between the Iraq and Iran" "shaggy man biography" "teeth plaque conspiracy Metallica" "Roy gotten bitten by big-ass tiger" "evil genius chronicle" "Kelly green tuxedo" "personal submarine" "can I get a woop woop lyrics?" |
09.20.2004
The
world today is a violent place. Terrorism, war, genocide and
bloodshed are in the headlines every day. But in the rush to find
a culprit -- drugs? a turning away from religion? video
games? -- no one has considered the most obvious suspect of all: national anthems. In nearly
every nation on Earth, the song meant to embody everything dear and
sacred to the national character of its citizens is more bloody and
hostile than a Geto Boys best-of CD. Take a look at part 4 of
this ongoing
series from the Ludic Log, and judge for
yourself: before we have another UN intervention, international
treaty or trade agreement, might we not consider a massive program of
anthem reform? The final entry: Asia & Oceania. Country: Afghanistan Dangerous lyrics: "fortress", "Aryans", "warriors", "arrow", "jihad", "shackles", "suppression", "oppressed", "torch". Notes: Boy, who would have guessed this place would turn out to be trouble? Country: Bahrain Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Another self-described "country of hospitality", with the additional bourgeois-comforting claim of being the "land of security". Country: Bangladesh Dangerous lyrics: "sadness", "gloom". Notes: Depressing lyrics no surprise for a country that gets hit by a national disaster every fifteen seconds. Extraordinarily beautiful, poetic lyrics that are almost a bit erotic, suggesting that the Bangladeshis want to fuck their country the way it has so often fucked them. Country: Bhutan Dangerous lyrics: "protector", "dominion". Notes: Whole anthem has an awesome kung-fu feeling to it, beginning with the description of Bhutan as "the thunder dragon kingdom". Country: Brunei Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Song really kisses ass to the sultan, probably because he has more money than God's tax lawyers. Country: Cambodia Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Notes that "the Khmer race is eternal" despite the best efforts of Pol Pot; disturbing monomaniacal references to the king as "the one being" who will "reign over our souls and our destinies". Country: China Dangerous lyrics: "slaves", "flesh", "blood", "danger", "fire", "urgent", "enemies (x2), "march" (x4). Notes: A fine example of old-school over-the-top Marxist rhetoric. They don't write 'em like this anymore. Country: East Timor Dangerous lyrics: "liberation", "colonialism", "imperialism" (x2), "enemy", "revolution". Notes: Contains lyrics "Free land"/"no, no, no to exploitation", suggesting anthem was written to fit on placard at peace march. Country: India Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Actually a very postitive, from-the-many-one message, but first verse consists almost entirely of unpronounceable place names. Country: Indonesia Dangerous lyrics: "guard", "bodies", "relic". Notes: Boastful second verse calls Indonesia both "an eminent country" and "a wealthy country" and says "we will be there forever". Country: Iran Dangerous lyrics: "martyrs", "cries", "pain". Notes: Gives European nations a run for their money in the heavy-handed religious imagery department. Country: Iraq Dangerous lyrics: "die", "death", "slaves", "enemies" (x2), "humiliation", "miserable", "sword", "quarreling", "victorious". Notes: Amazingly, these were the lyrics adopted after the American invasion in 2003. Country: Israel Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Line "the soul of the Jew yearns" not followed by line "to kick a Pali's teeth out". Country: Japan Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Very short and uncontroversial anthem voices desire for emperor to reign until tiny pebble grows into huge moss-covered mountain. Country: Jordan Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Another four-line anthem wishing for glory on the king. Asians obviously don't know how to write bombastic, lurid-sounding anthems like we do in the west. Country: Kazakhstan Dangerous lyrics: "sacrificed", "kicks", "hell's fire", "evil". Notes: Not quite Soviet-level craziness, but a pretty good try, especially reference to "surviving the kicks of fate" and how the country "respects mothers and the genius of the people". Country: Kyrgyzstan Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Anthem makes reference to how their forefathers were "always saving the motherland" in the aggreived tone of someone who always gets stuck taking the trash out. Country: Kuwait Dangerous lyrics: none (reference to "fencing" is meant in sense of enclosure, not swordfighting). Notes: Song predicts that in the future, people will look back on Kuwait and say "Those Arabs were heavenly!". Country: Laos Dangerous lyrics: "master", "imperialists", "traitors", "harm", "struggle". Notes: Laos tries to be a crazy-ass anti-imperialist nut anthem, but they just don't have the gumption of their African brethren. Country: Lebanon Dangerous lyrics: "In the day of crisis, they shall be as lions of the jungle". Notes: Another great boasting song, this one claims "our writings and our valor are the envy of the ages" and calls attention to how macho the Lebanese men are. Country: Malaysia Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Yet another short, progressive, king-praising anthem with no grist for my mockery mill. I started this series trying to make the point that more anthems should be like this, but now I long for the bugfuck craziness of France and Mexico. Country: Maldives Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Song does not contain useful instructions on how to find the Maldives on a map. Country: Mongolia Dangerous lyrics: "revolutionary", "enemy", "defeat", "will", "might", "defeated". Notes: You expect a little more from the homeland of Genghis Khan, but by the anemic standards of Asia, this one is dynamite. Country: Myanmar Dangerous lyrics: "fight", "give our lives". Notes: Myanmar is a military dictatorship, which is probably why their anthem reflects the standard notion that the whole idea of having a country is to die for it. Country: Nepal Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Short, inoffensive, hopes the king will live forever and have a thousand children. Asian national anthems in a nutshell. Country: North Korea Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: You see what I mean? North Korea is a fucking Stalinist dictatorship, a nuclear power run by the craziest world leader since Emperor Norton, and the best their anthem can do is "Let us devote our bodies and minds to supporting this Korea forever". Where's the references to cut throats and broken necks, for corn's sake? Country: Oman Dangerous lyrics: "For him (the Sultan) we shall lay down our lives" (x2). Notes: More kissing up to the monarch, but at least the Omani are willing to die for the leech who runs the joint. Country: Pakistan Dangerous lyrics: "ambition". Notes: You might think that after Mussharef took over in a military coup, he'd jazz up the old anthem with a line like "Watch the fuck out, India!" or "Hey, western world! We have nukes!". But no. Country: Phillipines Dangerous lyrics: "burning", "invaders", "trample", "tyrants", "suffer", "die". Notes: Last verse perfectly captures the tone of so many anthems when it admits that sure, the land is beautiful and perfect and it's an honor to live there in peace, but what's really awesome is when someone harms it so the people can fight and die on its behalf. Country: Saudi Arabia Dangerous lyrics: "supremacy". Note: The land of my father is the most fanatically Muslim of all countries in the middle east, but its anthem is still more what you'd call cocky than actually crazy. Country: Singapore Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Progressive and slightly capitalist-sounding. Contains no injunctions against gum-chewing. Country: South Korea Dangerous lyrics: "armor", "strength", "tempest", "danger". Notes: Oddly, slightly more aggressive than North Korea's anthem, but still contains reference to country being "bedecked with flowers". Country: Sri Lanka Dangerous lyrics: "strength", "liberation", "ill will", "hatred", "strife", "bondage", "mighty". Notes: It seems like this one does okay (they have a sword on their flag, after all), but most of the above lyrics are used in a negative sense. Country: Syria Dangerous lyrics: "defenders", "subdued", "inviolable". Notes: Overbearing bad-ass Islamic references in first verse give way to curiously hedge-betting final verse: song compares the people of Syria to a million suns who become "another sky, or almost a sky". Country: Thailand Dangerous lyrics: "blood" (x2), "cowards", "war", "rob", "tyranny". Notes: Despite lack of references to kickboxing proficiency, this is actually a pretty bad-dude anthem, from threatening "Every inch of Thailand belongs to the Thais" to suicidal "Every Thai is ready to give up every drop of blood". Country: Turkmenistan Dangerous lyrics: "immortal", "blood", "suffers", "angrily", "blinded". Notes: The only version of this song I could find in English appears to be badly translated, so I'm assuming it doesn't actually say that "sons will put their heads in the native fireplace". Country: Uzbekistan Dangerous lyrics: "manly", "mighty". Notes: The Uzbeks have a reputation as troublemaking tough guys, but this anthem is all pretty boilerplate golden-rolling-fields-of-the-motherland stuff. Country: Vietnam Dangerous lyrics: "soldiers", "arduous", "blood", "guns", "hardships", "resistance", "bodies", "struggle" (x2), "battlefield" (x2), "strong" (x2), "misery", "suffering", "fight", "chains", "hatred", "sacrifices". Notes: Now we're talking! A stone crazy bit of Soviet-style ultraviolent nationalism. No wonder they won the war! The only anthem I know of that actively encourages more hatred. Country: Yemen Dangerous lyrics: "martyr", "foreigner", "dominate". Notes: Again, less nuts than it could have been, especially given the line "An Arab I am in all my life", always a prescription for trouble. Country: Australia Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Anthem is titled "Advance, Australia Fair" and is pretty wimpy for such a macho nation. Country: Fiji Dangerous lyrics: "defend", "march" (x2), "befall". Notes: Nothing particularly noteworthy here except that it's fun to say "Fiji" over and over a bunch of times. Country: Kiribati Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: No offensive content, but the song reads like a series of clumsily worded propaganda slogans: "Prepare to accept responsibilty and help each other! Be steadfastly righteous! Love all our people!". Country: Marshall Islands Dangerous lyrics: none. Notes: Anthems of tiny Pacific island nations are, if anything even less hostile than those of Asia. Country: Micronesia Dangerous lyrics: "separate", "stronger" (x2), "ruled", "guardian". Notes: Actually not that bad, but still plays pretty tough for a country with 'micro' in its name. Country: Nauru Dangerous Lyrics: none. Notes: A real snoozer of a by-the-numbers anthem, and the reason is revealed in the credits: "Lyrics written collectively". Country: New Zealand Dangerous Lyrics: "bonds", "defend" (x2), "strife", "war" (x2), "dissention", "envy", "hate", "corruption", "foes", "assail", "mighty", "defend" (x9), "battles, "might", "enemies", "dishonor", "shame", "immortal", "ramparts". Notes: Whoah! Look out. New Zealand, I'm scared of you! Country: Palau Dangerous Lyrics: "strength", "power", "secure". Notes: Lyrical reference to "glowing, floating light" may be inspired by nearby A-bomb tests. Country: Papua New Guinea Dangerous Lyrics: none. Notes: I think there's only about eighteen people in New Guinea who aren't hunter-gatherer tribes or anthropoligists studying hunter-gatherer tribes, so it's surprising they even have a national anthem. Country: Solomon Islands Dangerous Lyrics: "protecting". Notes: Come on, Oceania! Give me something! "Protecting"? That's all you got? Look at New Zealand! They're not afraid to seem crazy! Country: Tonga Dangerous Lyrics: "defense". Notes: Downright Asian in its determination not to offend and to suck up to the ruling monarch. Country: Tuvalu Dangerous Lyrics: "almighty", "rules", "strength". Notes: Another one that embarrassingly sucks up to the king, although in this case the king is God. Country: Vanuatu Dangerous Lyrics: none. Notes: Relentlessly cheerful anthem with hooky chorus "We are happy to proclaim we are the people of Vanuatu!" Country: Western Samoa Dangerous Lyrics: Sadly, since they're the last country in this survey, none. Notes: For a country that produced so many evil wrestlers, they sure have a passive-sounding anthem. |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "An artist should be judged by his best, just as an athlete is. Pick out my one or two best things and say, 'That's what he did: all the rest was rehearsal." (Artie Shaw) |