LUDIC LOG

Mr. Secretary General, Mr. President, distinguished delegates, ladies and gentlemen.

Twenty-four months ago - and yesterday, in the memory of America - the center of New York City became an exceptionally useful propaganda tool in the furtherance of our agenda.

Since that day, terrorists have struck in Bali, Mombassa, in Casablanca, and in a whole bunch of other places I have never been nor do I care to go, measuring the advance of our cause in the images and rhetoric they leave behind for us to use.

Last month, terrorists brought their war to the United Nations itself. The U.N. headquarters in Baghdad stood for order and compassion, or so I'm saying now that I need a favor from you. And for that reason, I am pretending that I didn't call you all irrelevant only six months ago.

Among the 22 people who were murdered was Sergio Vieira de Mello. Over the decades, this good and brave man from somewhere or another gave help to the afflicted in Bangladesh, Cyprus, Mozambique, Lebanon, Cambodia, Central Africa, Kosovo and East Timor, many of whom were suffering specifically because of American foreign policy. America joins you, his colleagues, in honoring the memory of this boring nobody and the memory of all who died with him in the service to the United Nations, which we have spent most of our time in office vilifying.

By the victims they choose and by the means they use, the terrorists have clarified the struggle we are in. Those who incite murder and celebrate suicide reveal their contempt for life itself, unless it's murder of bad people. They have no place in any religious faith; because all religions, I assume, are the same. They have no claim on the world's sympathy, no matter how oppressed they may be, and they should have no friend in this chamber. Luckily, the Palestinians are stateless and can't be here today! Lucky break for us.

Events during the past two years have set before us the clearest of divides, between those who seek order and those who spread chaos; between those who work for peaceful change and those who adopt the methods of gangsters; between those who honor the rights of man and those who deliberately take the lives of men and women and children, without mercy or shame, and between those who would let the Iraqis vote before we have a chance to privatize and purchase all their industry and those of us who understand what this war was really about.

Between these alternatives, there is no neutral ground.

All governments that support terror are complicit in a war against captialism, er, I mean, civilization. No government should ignore the threat of terror, because to look the other way gives terrorists the chance to regroup and recruit and prepare. We must always be vigilant, especially against certain people. You know the ones I mean. I can't say it, but it rhymes with "car keys".

And all nations that fight terror as if the lives of their own people depend on it will earn the favorable judgment of history. I know this, because I can see the future. History will look smilingly on us, because, as the winners, we are the ones who got to decide what "terror" means.

The former regimes of Afghanistan and Iraq knew these alternatives and made their choices. The Taliban was a sponsor and servant of terrorism, because, well, they just were, that's all. When confronted, that regime chose defiance, and that regime is no more. You got that, you punk sons of bitches? Fuck with me! I dare you! Fuck with me!!!

Afghanistan's president, who is here today, now represents a free puppet, er, people who are building a decent and just society. They are building a nation fully joined in the war against terror. They are doing all this from Kabul, because the rest of the country has accidentally fallen back into the hands of the Taliban and the warlords, but there's not enough time to go into that right now, unfortunately.

The regime of Saddam Hussein cultivated ties to terror while it built weapons of mass destruction. And the fact that we haven't been able to prove those ties to terror or find those weapons of mass destruction in no way undermines the point I am trying to make.

The Security Council was right to be alarmed. The Security Council was right to demand that Iraq destroy its illegal weapons and prove that it had done so. The Security Council was right to vow serious consequences if Iraq refused to comply. The Security Council was wrong to vote against us when we decided we were going to invade, but at the moment, I would prefer that we focus on the things it was right about, because the folks back home are kicking up hell about that $90 billion. You know what I'm saying, fellas? Right?

And because there were consequences, because a coalition of nations acted to defend the peace and the credibility of the United Nations, Iraq is free. And today we are joined by representatives of a liberated country. Representatives we handpicked ourselves, which is almost as good as if they had won a democratic election. Any day now, it's coming. In the meantime, let's just call it a free country anyway.

Saddam Hussein's monuments have been removed. And not only his statues. The true monuments of his rule and his character - the torture chambers and the rape rooms and the prison cells for innocent children - are closed. Sure, the jail for children turned out to be an orphanage, but we're jailing people in it now, so I think it still counts as a prison. And as we discover the killing fields and mass graves of Iraq, the true scale of Saddam's cruelty is being revealed. Killing fields like those of Pol Pot, whose ascent to power the United States had nothing to do with, just like we had nothing to do with Saddam Hussein's. In fact, we always hated Saddam, even when it seemed like we were supporting him! It was Snowball all along.

The Iraqi people are meeting hardships and challenges like every nation that has set out on the path of democracy. Many of these hardships and challenges stem from the fact that they are governed by corrupt expatriates appointed by an occupying colonial army, and the fact that their vital state industries which guaranteed them employment are being systematically sold off to foreign investors -- a process in which they have no say, just as if they were still living in a dictatorship. Yet their future promises lives of dignity and freedom. And that is a world away from the squalid, vicious tyranny they have known -- and a step forward into a brand new and exciting form of squalid, vicious tyranny.

Across Iraq, life is being improved by liberty, where available. Not applicable in Kurdish areas.

Across the Middle East, people are safer because an unstable aggressor has been removed from power. Of course, that aggressor hadn't done anything to them for 12 years, but you never know!

Across the world, nations are more secure because an ally of terror has fallen. Not that we're saying Iraq had anything to do with terrorism, but then again, we're not not saying that.

Our actions in Afghanistan and Iraq were supported by many governments. And America is grateful to each one. The rest of them can fuck off and go to hell.

I also recognize that some of the sovereign nations of this assembly disagreed with our actions. I refer you to my previous paragraph.

Yet there was, and there remains, unity among us on the fundamental principles and objectives of the United Nations. We are dedicated to the defense of our collective security and to the advance of human rights, except for terrorists, suspected terrorists, people suspected of aiding terrorists, people suspected of aiding suspected terrorists, and librarians.

These permanent commitments call us to great work in the world, work we must do together. Profit profit money money money profit money capital market money profit So let us move forward.

May (my) God bless you all.