|
|
|
|
|
Dear Mr. Michaels, I am in receipt of your application to the Metahuman Affairs Council for recognition as a super-team (USMAC Form 213-AX Rev. 3). It is always a pleasure to see people take an interest in fighting crime, and your thoroughness and respect for the law in following the proper procedures for official sanction is to be commended. However, I am afraid that I must reject your application at this time. In compliance with the Paperwork Reduction Act, and in the interests of liability and fulfilling the charter of the Metahuman Affairs Council, the reasons for rejection are delineated below. 1. Your alias, Toastmaster, is a violation of trademarks held by the Toastmasters International. While I appreciate its appropriateness in light of your power over applied heat and your toaster-themed motif, it is nonetheless in conflict with existing U.S. intellectual property laws, and my endorsing it with a government imprimatur would make this department liable in a court of law for any resulting damages. 2. It is not the policy
of this department to endorse specific brands, products, or services,
nor to enable the distribution and sale of said brands, products
or services. The presence of Mr. Matthews in your group is, therefore,
an untenable condition of your certification as a super-team.
While your argument that he is a key member of your team, serving
as your 3. While I am impressed
with Cholesterina's ability to clog and harden the arteries of
evildoers, her costume is unacceptable under the standards of
public display outlined in section 3.16a of your reference manual.
A pair of Styrofoam fried eggs and a single strip of bacon certainly
conveys her powers, and garners the attention of the local citizenry,
but it lacks a certain modesty and self-discipline that we find
to be absolutely necessary 4. Our department is no different from any other in the United States government. We are regulated by the same guidelines of decency and public concern as the FCC, the Farm Bureau, or the Office of Land Management. One could certainly make the argument and you did so, more persuasively than I would have thought possible that the ability to pass wind that is scented like various breakfast meats is a useful power in the quest to safeguard our citizens. But under our official code of conduct, we cannot approve the application of a metahuman aliased "Meatfart". 5. As the assistant director of the MAC, it is my responsibility not only to determine if applicants for super-group status are ethically responsible and legally compliant, but also to ascertain if their powers would be effective in combating crime, terrorism, natural disasters, and so forth. I cannot question the tenacity, determination and will of the Breakfast Squad; but neither can I avoid noting that, in section C-4, where you are to indicate how the powers of each member would be effective against an enemy, you have written "distract them until the police arrive" in each available slot. This can be a very useful talent, it's true, but not one that cannot be offered by a circus clown, a small child, or a person of diminished intelligence. I cannot help but point out that Meatfart, Syrup Girl, Hashy Brown and yourself have no notable offensive or defensive abilities, and would rely exclusively on your capacity to evoke certain aspects of a hearty breakfast in order to, as you put it, "take an opponent's mind off a battle and onto the most important meal of the day". Only Cholesterina and The Caffienator have appreciable metahuman talents, and frankly, the extensive criminal record of the latter gentleman would disqualify him anyway. Once again, I appreciate
your interest in the MAC and your desire to aid your fellow man.
Please do not think this rejection had anything to do with your
sending Syrup Girl to our headquarters to personally deliver
your application; I was thankful for the personal gesture, and
my office needed a good cleaning anyway. I am simply following
the directives which my job requires. Perhaps you will have more
success with the Canadian MAC; I Best of luck, |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| QUOTE OF THE DAY: "The kings of old died; they could not find their food." (Zohar) |