LUDIC LOG

For Andie Flynn

Open on a woman in her mid-30s sitting uncomfortably in a cheap pressboard chair in a small, shabby office. Her discomfort is heightened by the fact that all her limbs are broken and done up with cumbersome bandages and splints. Both her eyes are blackened and there are smudges of grease, blood and dirt all over her face. Nonetheless, she is dressed in nice pastel housewife-on-business regalia.

LADY: The accident wasn't my fault! And you're not going to help me pay for my medical bills, or the terrible pain and suffering I've experienced?

Cut to an insurance adjuster. He is wearing a terribly out-of-date blue serge suit, a wide red-and-yellow polka dot tie, and glasses thick Coke-bottle lenses. His skin is a bright pink and he is sweating profusely. His greasy black hair has been slicked back with Vaseline, and when he speaks, tiny flecks of spittle fly out of the corners of his mouth. He wrings his hands constantly and speaks in a nasal sneer.

GUY: Ha! Ha! You ain't gettin' nothin'!

LADY: But he plowed right into me with a semi truck after running a red light at 97 miles per hour! There were dozens of witnesses.

GUY: Tough beans, lady! Do you think we go to be a huge soulless multinational insurance combine by paying out claims to the likes of you? Huh?

LADY: But he was drunk and high on methamphetamine! He had a history of previous accidents, and was driving on a revoked license. You've just got to help me, sir!

GUY: Oh, yeah? Well, we ain't gonna! Whattya gonna do about that, hmmm? Nothin', that's want! Ha! Ha! Ha! Now get outta here!

He lifts her up and hurls her bodily out of his office and into the street. She lies sprawled on the pavement and looks plaintively into the camera.

LADY: Gosh! What can I possibly do to get a fair deal?

A handsome, exquisitely dressed and immaculately groomed stranger leaps into view. He pulls a wheelchair out of his car trunk and helps the woman into it.

MAN: I can help you out, ma'am. It sounds to me like you've been getting the run-around.

LADY: The run-around? What's that?

MAN: Simply put, it is a method by which insurance companies refuse outright to pay any claims filed with them.

LADY: Why, that sounds exactly what's been happening to me!

The insurance adjuster emerges from his office in a frenzy. He shakes his bony fist and screeches hysterically.

GUY: Hey, you no-account bums! Get off my property or I'll have you both arrested!

The handsome stranger produces a pistol and shoots the insurance adjuster three times. The adjuster falls to the ground, bleeding and gurgling, and makes loud, agonized noises and shrieks of pain throughout the rest of the commercial.

LADY: But why would they do such a terrible thing? Isn't insurance a service industry?

MAN: No, ma'am, I'm afraid not. Insurance companies are huge, malevolent machines of evil that delight in the cries of suffering innocents. I wouldn't be surprise if they had staged your accident themselves just so they could refuse to pay the claim, and receive a wicked joy from your agony.

LADY: But isn't that illegal?

MAN: Technically, yes, but the problem is, the courts often overlook such flagrant cases of misrepresentation and assault. That's where I come in.

LADY: Well...who are you?

MAN: I'm a personal injury lawyer.

Cue trumpet fanfare. An angelic chorus sings "Personal-injury-LAAAAAAAW!"

MAN: Yes, without the tireless and altruistic vigilance of people like me, the insurance companies of America would maliciously maim and slay good citizens all over the land, then compound their Satanic deeds by denying them their rightful claim to compensation.

LADY: So you just want to see justice done, and have only the highest and most noble motives?

MAN: That's right. We will take no fees until your case is settled in your favor, at which time we will take a mere 75% of your award to cover our operating costs provided your award is over one million dollars. If it is less, we are obliged to take the entire amount less your legitimate medical expenses as ascertained by one of our trained, honest insurance adjusters.

LADY: What if I were to lose my case?

MAN: That is simply not possible.

LADY: But suppose it were to happen.

MAN: Well, if we were to somehow assume that all the known laws of nature were reversed and you lost your case, the law unfortunately requires us to collect our fee regardless.

LADY: Not everyone's case is as clear-cut as mine. What if I were personally at fault? Should I still hire a personal injury lawyer?

MAN: Ma'am, in my 20 years in the legal profession, I have never encountered an injury that was the fault of my client. 99% of all injuries are the fault of large, financially solvent corporations or institutions, and the remaining one percent are the fault of individuals who can still be satisfyingly hounded into bankruptcy.

LADY: Thank goodness you came along! Thanks to the twin miracles of inexpensive cable television advertising and liberalized ethics codes for members of the bar, I and thousands like me can be saved from the nightmare of being financially ruined, physically crippled and abjectly humiliated by rapacious and sinister insurance conglomerates. All thanks to personal injury lawyers!

Patriotic music swells.

MAN: Yes, if you're happy that insurance companies cannot carry out their monstrous agenda of evil, if you're pleased that the massive conspiracy to pauperize and kill the hardworking American is being foiled, remember to thank a personal injury lawyer today!

The divine chorus sounds again: "Personal-injury-LAAAAAAAAW!". The insurance adjuster expires noisily at the lawyer's feet.