I liveblogged NBC's new superhero soap opera Heroes, so you don't have to watch it.  It was better than Jericho, but saying something is better than a show that manages to feature two nuclear explosions and still be boring is the faintest praise I can think of at the moment.  Anyway, here you go.

Hey, this has music by Wendy & Lisa!  Good for them. 

The introduction of comic books into a fictional universe where comic books powers are real is never a good idea.  Never, never, never ever.  Perhaps it will be abandoned, but I bet not!  The adorable mixed-race child has more of a chance of disappearing than this angle. 

Porn Mom has a fun scene with her kid not getting into the high-grade school, and by ‘fun’ I mean ‘stupid’.  It kinda plays like the first season of Gilmore Girls  if it was written by a total moron.  It’s really irritating to me when people don’t understand really basic things, like that if you donate money to someone you don’t get it back.  The Idiot Plot makes for good viewing only if you have the Idiot Viewer. 

Hindu Nut Scientist’s dad getting killed is a nice plot hook, but making him a cab driver is a bit of a drag.  It’s cute how there’s a map in his shithole apartment of where the various superhumans are manifesting, as if it’s not 99% in America.  Hindu Nut Scientist’s cab speech must be one of the most hamhocky pieces of exposition of all time.

A lot of people are calling this “TV Does the New Universe”.  I’m too far removed from 1986 to remember the specific details of Marvel’s biggest disaster prior to Secret Wars II, but I do know this:  the New Universe didn’t bring in a lot of new comics fans.  But, HA HA what did?

Maybe it’s just residual Buffy hangover, but the Indestructible Cheerleader thread is the most interesting one so far.  It could also be the gore, or just the fact that this has the potential of going somewhere.   Or, now that I think of it, maybe it’s just that something actually happens in this plot rather than being a bunch of snore-inducing soap drama.

This actually seems pretty well-directed and professionally shot.  They much have spent a lot of money on the thing.  So I guess that’s one similarity to the New Universe.  Really, it’s got a Lost quality too, in both the filming and the teasing out of little hints, but it lacks the quality of a plot that makes you care what happens next.

Apparently the super-power of the painter dude is to see the future.  Which is good, because neither he nor his girlfriend have the power to act.

Oh, good!  Like every other fucking TV drama on television today, this has a music-video sequence where people wander around looking sad while MOR rock plays on the soundtrack.  I can’t get enough of that shit!  Thanks, JJ Abrams!  Thanks, Wendy & Lisa!  Thanks, TV producers, for not learning the lesson Deadwood and The Wire taught about how music works best when used sparingly.  And the lesson 3000 years of drama taught about how emotional moments work best when they aren’t flagrantly telegraphed.

I’m not sure, but I think Porn Mom has the power to squint.  And her squint kills.  It’s a Squint of Death.

Japanese Time Nerd is pretty irritating, but he’s at least got a good mise-en-scene.  Fuck this comic-books-in-a-comic-book shit sideways with a crowbar, though:  YOU’RE RUINING IT YOU FUCKERS BECAUSE YOU’LL NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN THE INTERNAL CONTRADICTION SATISFACTORILY.   Frankly, Japanese Time Nerd’s smartass pal is the best guy on the show.

Japanese people are all the same!  Indian people are all cab drivers!  This isn’t helping, show with no black superheroes on it.  I could also do without Japanese Time Nerd’s mean case of Concentration Face.  The wanna-be Mr. Anderson villain has potential, but that plotline better develop doublequick, because there’s not a lot going on otherwise too keep me interested in the show.

See, even the cheap-ass drama on the Indestructible Cheerleader segments are more interesting.   Also gore.  A good mangling would really improve the junkie painter sequences, I tell you what.

HEY WAIT!  Mr. Anderson is Indestructible Cheerleader’s dad!  That’s actually an interesting plot twist I didn’t see coming!  Back in totally-saw-it-coming-land, they’ve moved Japanese Time Nerd to New York, sparing us all the horrible indignity of the show and its characters actually having to move outside the US where something interesting might happen to them.

Man, SHUT UP MR. EXPOSITION.  You’re worse than a million Professor Xs.  A scroll at the bottom of the screen tells me I can talk to the creator after the show; I think he probably doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say.

Hey, it turns out Boring Loser and his Boring Brother are actually Northstar and Aurora!  I wonder which is the gay schmuck and which is the crazy nympho?  I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Oh, boy, the previews indicate that there’s more of the comic-in-a-comic coming.  Maybe they won’t fuck it up!  And maybe the next episode will not be uninteresting!  And maybe I’ll go and buy the whole run of the New Universe titles!

Maybe.

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