Thank you for coming, ladies and gentlemen.  As most of you are already aware, my reputation in the Kennedy assassination research community is that of a firebrand, a rabble-rouser, and a source of controversy; to be honest, I wasn't even expecting to be asked here, let alone as the keynote speaker.  But the truth will out, like murder, as John Milton, the Bard of Avon, told us, and that's why I have been chosen to stand here before you in the Starlight Room of the Boca Della Vista Holiday Inn Express.

You could have chosen any number of other researchers, all of whom have done excellent work.  I see before me Alec Kowalchuk, who proved once and for all that President Kennedy's motorcade contained a total of seven extraterrestrial corpses, instead of the four we had been taught to believe.  In the back there, over by the boiled egg tray, there's Marjorie Helmand-Bose, who did such outstanding research into bullet trajectories and how they relate to alternate climatology in Cuba.  And if I were to stop talking, I'm sure we could all hear the hooting and catcalls of Rupert van Jackson, one of the most prominent Afro-American assassination researchers, who despite his jealous attitude towards my own work has contributed indispensibly to what we know about the Black Panther Clone-Bot Program that it's now widely accepted was headquartered in a post office box once owned by David Ferrie.  But out of all these, out of all my peers who have worked so tirelessly to discover the facts behind that dark day in November when America's innocence exited the back of John F. Kennedy's skull at subsonic speeds, you chose me to deliver the final speech of this, the 41st Annual Warren Commission Are A Bunch of Dirty Fibbers Society Convention And Ultimate Truth Buffet.

And 'truth' is why you chose me.  It's the truth I've discovered, and the truth I'm trying tirelessly to spread across the country and throughout the world.  (Indeed, it was just prior to coming to the WCaaBoDFS-con that I concluded a highly successful tour of Finland, Bolivia, Micronesia, and Botswana; in this last country, particularly, I was very well-received even after we cleared up the initial confusion about my not being Jeff Goldblum.)  It's the truth, the ultimate clenching truth about the death of America's innocentiest president, so long kept from us by deceivers in government, shadow government, quasi-government and private government, that I have come here to discuss.

I know the criticisms some of you have.  I've read your rebuttals, I've responded to your e-mails, I've strained to hear your angry shouts from across the breakfast bar, I've narrowly avoided being hit in the face with your flicked golf pencils.  I know how much a lot of you have invested in counter-theories, and frankly, no one was as shocked as I was when I finally discovered the real story about JFK.  Some of you believe that I slander the man; rather, by understanding the dark thoughts that led to his final drive, I seek to truly know him.  Some of you say that I let the CIA, the mob, and Lyndon Baines Johnson off the hook, when in fact I go to great pains to mention their roles as enablers and co-dependents.  Some of you argue that ignore the role that Castro played in Kennedy's demise, despite the rigorous cataloguing I have done of his innumerable crank phone calls to the White House calling JFK a big girl and cruelly mocking his Massachusetts accent.  And there is at least one of you who think I unconscionably minimize the role of Black Panther clone-bots in the death of our 35th president; to that I can only respond, wait for my next book.

But the fact is, no one can argue away the truth.  No one can yell loud enough to dispel forensic evidence, ballistic testing, psychiatric profiles, eyewitness accounts, and phone taps.  No one can shout down the evidence that lies before you.  And after I finish, I know that even the doubters among you will join me in mourning the man -- and celebrating the truth, because only then can we ensure that this horrible tragedy is never repeated.

And now, I present my PowerPoint monograph, My Camelot for a Hotline:  John F. Kennedy, America's Most Shocking Suicide.

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"What is it they want from the man that they didn't get from the work?  What do they expect?  What is there left when he's done with his work, what's any artist but the dregs of his work -- the human shambles that follows it around?" (William Gaddis)