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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: New links!
"what kind of furry am I quiz" "small penis humiliation" "all-around cocks" "how old is Marilyn Manson?" "danger Robitussin" "teeth plaque conspiracy Metallica" "what's the chemical makeup of soda pop?" "usage swallowing" |
09.29.2004
Good morning, Mrs. C.! All of us down here in Marketing hope that this morning finds you well, and that your recent trip to Israel was as spiritually rewarding as it looked in all the newspapers. Mitzi over in PR said that when she spoke to you, you had mentioned being brought to tears by "all the incredible religious history and how there's Jesus and Moses and Buddha and everything in this one little part of the world". Well, I don't have to tell you, that choked every one of us up, too, and we want you to know how proud we are that we were able to help you pull of the Kabala business with such a great degress of success. And naturally, we're all on board with the next phase of the platform as well. Now, before we get down to cases, allow me to say that none of us here are questioning your good judgment. Maybe the old staff might have done that, the people you had working for you before you'd proved to everybody in this business that you could do their jobs better than they could with their eyes closed. The previous management of this division of you thought they had something to teach you, whereas we know that more than anything, we're here to learn. After all, you've taken an ancient, little-understood mystical religious sect and turned it into the hottest accessory since the personalized water bottle -- and that's just in the last six months. You, of all people, don't need to be reminded what a tremendous impact you've made on popular culture in everything you've tried; who else could have made a book of softcore bondage porn into a seminal feminist document, or changed "constant reinvention" from a snide insult into a breathless compliment? So please don't think of the notes we've come up with as criticism so much as guidance. We aren't here to make your decisions; the Kabala thing worked out brilliantly despite some, well, kvetching on our part, and you would have been right to give us all the boot. But since you didn't, allow us just a little bit of feedback, based on our research. 1. SATANISM. Frankly, we all loved the sound of this one right off the bat. There's the high fashion, the snazzy iconography, the edginess, and the opportunity to, as you put it, "reclaim Satan worship from the unsavory elements" who have given it a bad name. And it comes pre-loaded with tons of shock value, which always translates to box-office pow. However, we do have a few caveats: first, you're breaking no new ground here. Satanism hasn't reached a media saturation point, but it's certainly par for the course as far as the press goes. Let's face it, Mrs. C: Geraldo wasn't booking Kabalists on his show back in the mid-'80s. Second, with the exception of your friend Mr. Osbourne (and if you see him, do tell his son that he left what I assume is his asthma inhaler at the Christmas party), Satanism has never really done boffo business as far as record sales go; metal has a hip cachet, but it's with a very undesirable demo, and it's just not likely to get you the sales figures you need to get that Sri Lankan vampire baby you've had your eye on. Also, one of our interns pointed out that Mr. Osbourne is not, in fact, a Satanist, but rather a Christian, and all you have to do is look at Amy Grant's career to see where that will take you. 2. BECOMING AN EXPERT ON CARPENTRY. This one is a little tricky. On the one hand, much like your stated desire to become a literary theorist, it's unlikely to offend anyone, although it might seem a tad puzzling. But on the other hand, also like your stated desire to become a literary theorist, it's hard to know exactly who's going to be drawn in by this. It's probably likely that most carpenters are already part of your fan base, and those who aren't, even if they're drawn in by the carpentry phase of your career, will not offset the fans you will will lose if your key demos start to nod off when you begin talking about half-blind dovetails, oven-dried lumber weight and mortise-and-tenon joints on Letterman. Also, and I preface this by saying that it's not that you aren't capable of doing this, you would actually have to learn a lot about carpentry, and this would likely cut into the time you spend recording songs, spending time with your childrens' nannies, and perfecting your latest accent. 3. JAINISM. All right, cards on the table time: we all adore this one. It's fun, it's uncharted territory, it's got all that hip Indian-culture cachet but without the humdrum predictability of Hinduism -- what's not to like? It's a great demo (a lot of Jainists are stockbrokers), it gives you access to some terrific copyright-free ethnic music, and if you decide to go the sky-clad route, you'll have the grindhouse crowd lined up around the block to see if you've still got the goods. (Which your dancers assure me you most certainly do!) Finally, it's got enough mystical elements that you won't really have to learn much about it; just memorize a few key catchphrases that are vague-sounding enough that you won't get called out on them, just like we did with Kabala, and you'll be as good as gold. Our one minor quibble is that technically, Jains are a tad more strict than vegetarians or even vegans. Depending on how far you want to go with this, you'll have to wear a protective mask over your face to ensure that you don't accidentally inhale any insects, and you'll need to give up walking and other motion-centric activities for fear of trodding on something. Also, you won't be able to eat fruits or vegetables unless they have fallen from the tree or vine, and there is a good possibility you will starve to death. But otherwise, there's nothing but up, up, upside! Onward, Kenny |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Judge the goodness of a book by the energy of the punches it has given you. I believe that the greatest characteristic of genius is, above all, force." (Gustave Flaubert) |