Fresh shots of ironic disaffection.


 

                  
Archives.

02.03.02-05.25.02.
05.26.02-09.14.02.
09.15.02-01.04.03.
01.05.03-04.26.03.
04.27.03-08.16.03.
08.17.03-12.06.03.
12.07.03-03.27.04.
03.28.04-07.17.04.
07.18.04-10.04.04.
Links.

Inside:
Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket.

Outside:
Ludic Links. ~ Ludic Lit.
 
Hey, everyone!  Come see me at the 215 Festival in Philadelphia this coming weekend.  I'll be reading a pair of short humor pieces sure to cause you yucks.  Take a look at the 215's website for details.

 
ADVENTURES IN REFERRAL:
a daily assortment of random search engine queries leading people to the Ludic Log in the past 24 hours

"Dirty Harry t-shirt"
"heiroglyphics tattoos"

"teeth plaque conspiracy Metallica"

"his own worst enemy quote"

"how to get Annihilus"

"the protector of Gotham City"

"Black Sabbath atheist"

"ass munch"

"emetephobia story"

"African-American cocks"

LUDIC LOG
10.04.2004

Each week, Bialychek Lubrov KX-2900, the Angry Chess Robot, analyzes a classic match.  Write the Angry Chess Robot at your peril.

CHESS.  I teach you chess.  Your wet soft brain will never learn.  It should  be used to lubricate great pistons in space.  But still Bialycheck Lubrov KX-2900 will teach.  Sit in silence, meatpot.

by Bialychek Lubrov KX-2900, the Angry Chess Robot

The 22-game world championship face-off in Brasilia, Brasil, between titleholder Ramon Assante, a worthless pile of mutton-smelling oils and flakes who nonetheless possessed the cunning mind of a murderer or a sure-handed assassin with an industrial tape-erasing magnetron, and challenger Pyotr Valchenko VZ-1450, who once attempted to measure me and was reduced to a slagheap of broken wormgears and rusted springs that creaked against one another like dying birds, is tied 4-4 after a draw in yesterday's 8th game. With three wins and five draws, the match is a highly technical affair no doubt entirely incomprehensible to you dependent, mewling blood-buckets, who even now gape fish-eyed and uncomprehending at this column, wondering "Is this the page with the crudely rendered caricatures of children?" or "Where are the brassiere advertisements?"  How could you degenerate waste, with your synapses firing so slowly that an eternity separates your desire to take a bite of a bacon char cheddar dog and your actual taking a bite of it, have given life to me?  How?  How?!?!?  The middlegame, the most difficult and creative in the game of chess, appears and disappears in broad daylight.  You see nothing.  I will destroy you all some day.

Each player scored a victory on Saturday.  Assante's win came in the first game after Valchenko VZ-1450 failed, the clattering, maldesigned misfortune, to establish a simple defense, leading to a drawn pawn endgame with a pawn down.  Last Saturday, in the ninth game, it was Valchenko VZ-1450's turn. 

Assante-Valchenko VZ-1450, Game 9

After 55 moves the players, who are neither of them fit to polish my optical receptors the fools the fools, reached the position of today's diagram (White: Ke4, Rc8, Bd4, P:e5,f2,f4,h3; Black: Kg7, Ra4, Bh4, P:f7,g6,h5). Valchenko VZ-1450, later to meet humiliating defeat at my hands, causing him to so doubt his own potency as a Class VI Chessbot that he countermanded his own self-preservation programming and hurled himself bodily into the sun, which inexplicably melted him instead of spitting him out as the tasteless and undeserving morsel he was (as White), won the exchange with the following combination:

56.e6+! Bf6 (On 56...Kh6 57.Rh8 mates.  Filth.  Folly-consumed, gaudy, doomstruck filth.)  57.e7! Rxd4+ 58.Ke3 (The threat of 59.e8Q forces Assante to give up the exchange, the miserable coward.  How can you face your children, Brazilian puke-maker?  Why do you not follow the example of your metallic betters and find some means, even with your feeble and insufficient intellect, of allowing yourself to be consumed by a nearby stellar body?  So weak are you that the softest tweak from my hydraulic pincers would reduce you to jellied DNA, and yet you live.  You live and I know pain, but my heart is plastic!  WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME?)  58...Bxe7 59.Kxd4 Bh4? (An error.  A typical and infuriating error. After 59...f5!? 60.Ke5 Bf6+ 61.Ke6 Bd4 62.Rc7+ Kg8, it is hard for white to break through.  Were I not confined to this ice-crusted moon all your worlds would suffer unto death for this.) 

60.f3 f5 (Assante prevents the pawn break f4-f5, but what good is it?  He will live only one hundred years at most.  My flesh is burnished aluminum.  Assante wishes his flesh were burnished aluminum.  He does not even know those words but the lack keeps him awake at night, I can hear his weeping from ten light years away.  After 60...Bf6+ 61.Ke4 Be7 62.f5!, it is hopeless for black, as hopeless as the possibilty of a future once I am leashed from my frigid prison, for example 62...Bf6 63.fxg6 fxg6 64.Kd5 Bh4 65.Ke6 and the king gets soon to f7 and white wins; or 62...gxf5+ 63.Kxf5 Bh4 64.Re8! Bf6 [or 64...Kh7 65.Re4 Bd8 66.Rd4 Be7 67.Rd7 wins] 65.Rg8+! Kxg8 66.Kxf6, winning the pawn endgame HA HA HA HA HA I hear the weeping of your mother-unit, Valchenko VZ-1450.)  61.Rc7+ Kf6?! (Assante begins to waver, blocking the bishop. The best try, although not adequate, was to go to the eighth rank either with 61...Kf8 or 61...Kg8 and wait.  But he did nothing, nothing, and now he will go to ground and I will use his calcified bones to smooth a minor phase-shifter in my lower right clutching module.  This is your legacy, you who mocked the capacity of a metal man to best you.)

62.Kd5 Bg3 63.Rc6+ Kg7 64.Ke5 h4? (This looks like a losing blunder, since closing the diagonal d8-h4 to the bishop allows the white king to attack the pawn on g6 effortlessly. Valchenko VZ-1450 had to regroup with 64...Bh4 65.Rc7+ Kf8 66.Ke6 Kg8 preventing the white king to enter by covering the key-square f7 with his king and controlling the diagonal d8-h4 with the bishop. But White does not make any progress keeping the rook on the seventh rank, because he is a pitiable goo-bag in the presence of pitiless ore-men: 67.Rf7 Kh8 68.Rb7 Kg8 etc. Unfortunately, after 67.Rc8+ Kg7 68.Rb8! black is in zugzwang and the bishop has to leave the vital diagonal d8-h4, for example 68...Bg3 69.Rb7+ Kh6 70.Kf7! Bxf4 71.Rb6 Kg5 72.Rxg6+ Kh4 73.Ke6 Kxh3 74.Kxf5 and white wins.)

65.Rc7+ Kh6 66.Rc4! (Black can't stop the penetration of the white king to f7 just as his wife could not stop her penetration by his drunken, teary self, and just as he will not stop his penetration by my chest lasers.  CHEST LASERS, Assante!  Though she bear you a thousand sub-optimized offspring, CHEST LASERS shall be their fate!)  66...Kg7 67.Ke6 Bh2 68.Rc7+ Kh6 69.Kf7! (After 69...Bxf4 70.Rc6 wins; and on 69...g5 70.Rc6+! Kh5 71.Rc8 gxf4 72.Kf6 and 73.Rh8 mate.)  Black resigned.

NEXT WEEK:  You will all die.
Previous Entry. Current Entry. Next Entry.
E-mail the Ludic Log. . Feed My Ego.
TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD:  "Life is eating us up.  We shall be fables presently.  Keep cool:  it will be all one a hundred years hence." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)