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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: Hey, everyone! Come see me at the
215 Festival in Philadelphia this coming weekend. I'll be reading
a pair of short humor pieces sure to cause you yucks. Take a look
at the 215's website for
details.
"breasts boobs boobies tits" "tit fight" "disodium inosinate and fast foods" "bumble bee woodcuts" "beggars' bodies" "submarine homosexuals" "bodybuilder small wrists" "coma diapers" |
10.06.2004
With the dentist DENTIST: Open your mouth, please. Which one is the tooth that hurts? LARRY: I'm not sure. I think all of my teeth hurt. DENTIST: Your gum is infected. I am going to prescribe an antibiotic. LARRY: How about some painkillers? DENTIST: No, I do not think that will be necessary. LARRY: Because it really hurts. I think I could use some Vicodin. DENTIST: This one has to be extracted. You also have a cavity. LARRY: Back home, in America, cavities are often treated with Oxycontin. DENTIST: I cannot fill it today. You will have to come back another day. LARRY: What about the Oxycontin? DENTIST: I assure you that will not be necessary. Do you use dental floss? LARRY: No, but you know what would help me remember? Xanax. DENTIST: You should use dental floss daily. LARRY: Are you going to give me local or general anesthesia? DENTIST: I am going to give you a shot of novocaine. LARRY: Maybe I could have some to take home. DENTIST: Rinse out your mouth and spit over there. LARRY: Or maybe a cannister of nitrous. DENTIST: If it hurts, take two aspirins and use an ice bag. LARRY: Ether? Renting a car LARRY: I want to rent a car. EMPLOYEE: Do you want a big car or a compact model? LARRY: Compact. I'm really just going to drive it to and from the hotel. EMPLOYEE: We charge for mileage unless you rent by the week. LARRY: Because it's just me on this trip. I'm alone. In my hotel. EMPLOYEE: I suggest that you rent a standard shift car. LARRY: I mean, the room has, it's got a big bed. But it's just me in it. For now. EMPLOYEE: A standard shift uses less gasoline. I also advise insurance. LARRY: So if you have any suggestions about how to spend my time here... EMPLOYEE: We accept cash, traveler's checks or credit cards. LARRY: I'm not really doing anything. I have no plans. For my room I have. EMPLOYEE: How about this red convertible? LARRY: Look, are you a hooker? In the emergency room DOCTOR: What happened, sir? How did you get hurt? LARRY: It's the strangest thing. I was walking along and I heard a shot. DOCTOR: Did you lose consciousness? LARRY: It just happened to hit me here in the back of the shoulder. DOCTOR: I'm going to wash and disinfect the wound. LARRY: I don't know if you've heard about that big bank robbery downtown. DOCTOR: Did they ever give you a tetanus shot? LARRY: Nothing to do with me. I was hit by a stray bullet. From a plane. DOCTOR: We need an X-ray. They will take you to the X-ray room. LARRY: What's the doctor-patient confidentiality law like in this country? Problems with the car LARRY: Fill the tank, please. And give me oil, too. ATTENDANT: What brand of oil do you use? LARRY: Pennzoil. Oh, and don't look in the glove compartment. ATTENTANT: I'm going to put water in the radiator. LARRY: That's fine. Stay out of the trunk, too. ATTENDANT: Are you a member of the Auto Club? LARRY: Don't look under the seats. Or in the back. ATTENDANT: You need a new battery, sir. LARRY: In fact, you should probably stay out of the interior altogether. ATTENDANT: It should be ready on Monday if it doesn't need spare parts. LARRY: What's the customer-mechanic confidentiality law like in this country? |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Don't use the impudence of a beggar as an excuse for not helping him." (Rabbi Schmelke) |