LUDIC LOG

"Why are they making those awful noises?"

"It's a side effect of those gill things on their necks. A reaction the atmosphere, I think."

"What's the atmosphere?"

"Ammonia. Mostly."

"They breathe ammonia?"

"Not really. That's why they're making the noises."

"Huh. How long have they had four arms? I don't remember them having four arms the last time I was over here."

"About six hundred thousand years. They developed three arms right after we went to that party at Mitch's house, about 4 million years back, but I thought it looked asymmetrical, so I had them grow a fourth one."

"How'd you do that?"

"Well, you see how they're mostly concentrated along the coasts?"

"Yeah."

"That means their diet is mostly fish. So I put a bunch of thalidomide in the ocean."

"What's thalidomide?"

"I dunno, really. I read about it in one of the manuals. It says to use it sparingly, but I don't know why. It works great."

"That's what you said about the atomic radiation on your last project, and look how that turned out."

"It wasn't so bad. I still have that one down in the basement."

"What? Are you serious? There can't be anything left of it."

"Well, I didn't think so either, but I was taking some stuff out to the dumpster and I noticed that there was a pretty decent civilization going."

"I thought it was all cockroaches."

"It was, but they're doing okay. They have some good novelists."

"What do they write about?"

"Eating filth. I mean, it's not the content. It's all in the style. Anyway, they have a better society than these guys."

"What's wrong with their society?"

"They're just not very bright. The other day I was eating a danish and a bunch of crumbs fell off it. The ones who weren't killed right away started worshiping them. The frosting is God and the cake part is the devil. It's really lame."

"You think that might be because of all the thalidomide?"

"I dunno. I keep meaning to read the book, but this is just a hobby. I don't want it to turn into a chore."

***

Remember to send something the first annual Ludic Log Reader Participation Event. E-mail me journal, blog or diary entries purportedly written by members of the Bush cabinet, and they will be posted in this space in 2 weeks.