LUDIC LOG

"Okay. Sexual preference?"

"Do what now?"

"What is your sexual preference?"

"Are you coming on to me?"

"Ha, ha. No, the next entry on the form is 'sexual preference'."

"Christ, that's a loaded question. 'Preference' really defines the question along entirely alien terms to what it's really trying to accomplish. Are there choices?"

"Uh...yeah. Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, other."

"Thorny. I'm definitely of the opinion that those are acts, not identities."

"Terrific. So, what's your favorite act?"

"Well, transexual is out. I dance with the tool that brought me. Homosexual would just be dishonest, but heterosexual seems so limiting."

"Bisexual then."

"Well, not really. I mean, inherently? Yes. If you believe in the notion of inherent behaviors. But practically? No. Aside from the odd crush on an Australian soccer player, I'm straight as an arrow. I'd feel like a fraud putting down bisexual."

"Look, it's just one question. You have to answer it."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why do I have to answer it?"

"It's on the form. It's a required field."

"Probably part of demographic research, yeah?"

"Probably."

"Which is usually used to provide funding. In which the smart thing to do would be to put 'homosexual', since gay-centered programs are pitifully underfunded."

"Gay it is."

"Well, no, wait. I'm not really comfortable with that. Because, well, it's a lie. And lies of that nature, no matter how well-intentioned, tend to blow up in your face. Distorted statistics lead to the real problem not being taken seriously. Witness the debacle that followed the promotion of inflated sexual abuse statistics."

"Why don't you just put 'other'?"

"Hmmmm. But there's a blank. I have to fill in the blank."

"How about 'polymorphously perverse'?"

"No thanks. I don't want to admit to anything that associates me with Woody Allen."

"Omnisexual?"

"Bleah. Too cutesy."

"Hey, how about 'undecided'?"

"Makes me sound like a 12-year-old. But..."

"But?"

"It's the best we've got so far."

"Aces. Let's move on."

"Yes, let's."

"Race?"

"Uh..."

***

Reader response to the first annual Ludic Log Reader Participation Event has been overwhelming, if by 'overwhelming' you mean 'nonexistent'. Four days to go, and here's another attempt to guilt you into writing up a journal entry by a member of the Bush regime. If you don't e-mail me, you'll know who to blame for the big blank spot that will appear in this space on Monday the 21st.