LUDIC LOG

We open on God sitting on his front patio, on the wicker chair. He's got his chin on his fist and is staring thoughtfully into the distance, a troubled wrinkle on his majestic brow. It's sometime in early fall. Satan saunters over from next door (stopping briefly to steal some of God's mail from the mailbox) and leans up against a pillar, smoking his pipe and wearing Hawaiian jams and a t-shirt that reads "Free Mustache Rides".

"What's wrong, neighbor? You look like hell, and believe me, I know."

"Oh, no! Satan!"

"In the flesh. Now, what's on your mind? You don't seem to be your usual effervescent self."

"Oh, it's the humans."

"You mean those things down there? What are they again, like pets?"

"You know exactly what they are, Tempter."

"Sorry, sorry. Just trying to lighten the mood a little bit. What's the problem?"

"The world has gotten so violent. They're always fighting among themselves. Warfare, destruction and strife are the rule of the day."

"It's always bad when the pets fight. Have you tried shaking a Coke can filled with pennies at them?"

"This is a serious problem, Satan. If you're not going to help, kindly go back and smoke on your own front porch. And is that my credit card statement?"

"Why, do you know, I think it is. I also believe this is your copy of Barely Legal."

"Er, heh, hum. How did that get in there? Those angels, always with the practical jokes."

"Uh huh."

"Ha. Ahem."

"So, about your humans. Do you have any ideas so far?"

"Actually, I did! I decided that I'm going to return the earth to the state of perfection, like in Eden, before you got involved."

"Hey, I told you: it was like that when I got there."

"Hmph. Well, anyway, the way I figure it, if their world is perfect, with no hunger or pain or want, they'll have no reason to fight!"

"You gotta be kidding. God, if there's one thing you don't want to do, it's reward them for bad behavior!"

"I don't?"

"No! Any child psychiatrist will tell you that. If you're nice to them when they do wrong, they'll learn to associate getting good things with doing bad things. It's a recipe for disaster. What you really want to do is draw a line in the sand."

"How do I do that?"

"You kill all of them. Preferably with a big fire. Or a flood."

"What?!? I'm not going to do that!"

"God. With all due respect, you're not a disciplinarian. You don't know anything about running an operation and keeping a bunch of misbehaving underlings in control. You're...well, you're an administrator. A good one. A great one. But you don't have the kind of experience in this field as someone like me."

"Ridiculous. This is just one of your stupid tricks to make me look bad, like when you got me to let you into the Garden by telling me you left your car keys in there. Snakes don't even drive cars!"

"What did you do after the rebellion? Did you give me and the other fallen angels a bunch of lollipops and candy and movie passes? Or did you use a firm hand?"

"I...I guess you're right. But I don't want to burn all the poor humans to death!"

"Well...I suppose you could go with a flood. That's much more humane. Painless, almost pleasant. But if you do that, the only way to make them know you're not going soft is to kill all the animals too."

"Gosh. That seems extreme."

"God, do you want the humans to be a bunch of reckless wild men who run around causing trouble, or do you want to create something you can be proud of?"

"Well, I want to be proud of them, of course."

"Then you need to wipe them all out with a huge flood. That will show them you mean business. In the trade, we call it 'deterrence'. You kill all hundred million of them and every other living creature on the planet, and they're bound to respect your authority."

"It just strikes me as very cruel."

"Good grief. I've never known anyone so soft-hearted. All right, I tell you what: let one family live. And, I dunno, say, two of every animal. They can hide out on a boat or in a cave or something until it stops raining. That way you kill enough people so they know you're serious, but leave enough alive to give you a couple hundred years of pure good behavior."

"You're the best, Satan! Thanks!"

"Just doing my job, big man."

***

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