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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: Look
ye at some updates to the links page.
"how to make someone you like feel good inside" "big black ass" "She-Hulk naked" "demographics for soda pop" "plaque and media conspiracy" "cocksuckers in the universe" "Deutschland lyrics massive tone" "silly spy outfit" |
10.20.2004
Dear Dr. Helton, The Department of Defense staff has reviewed your application for permission to utilize your newly-developed Time Machine (US Patent #4004-BC-10100036, applied for but not processed to date) in order to, as you put it, "travel back in time and kill Hitler". We believe this project has significant merit -- in addition to the human factor you outline, it would save the United States government in general and this department in particular a tremendous amount in retroactive budgetary outlay, and perhaps significantly enhance our geopolitical standing from a point moving forward from 1941 -- and the grousing of certain members of the staff (holdovers from the previous administration, for the most part) has not discouraged us from taking an active interest in your grant application. However, it is with great regret that I must inform you that we cannot approve or fund the project as it currently stands. Your proposal has failed to meet several governmental standards and regulations, and the project (as an aside, I would suggest a slightly less blunt title than "Project Krautkiller") is not im compliance with a number of DoD rules and regulations concerning defense research initiatives of this kind. A reading team under my supervision has carefully reviewed your proposal, and I would like to present below some of their major concerns. After reading them, you may wish to rewrite your proposal and submit it again with these concerns in mind. First, while the inclusion with your proposal package of a number of ancient Roman coins, a lock of Jesus' hair and an autographed copy of the Quarto edition of Shakespeare's plays reading "To Ned, and his fantastickal lightning box, you're aces in my boke -- Will" leaves us little doubt that your machine is functionable, operable, and geniune, we still have a number of concerns about it. You are a bit vague about whether or not it will cause catastrophic and unintended gouges in the stream of space-time; it is unclear whether you will be able to return from the altered past, giving rise to concerns that the machine may fall into the wrong hands (those of Joseph Stalin, for example, or the French); you do not appear to have done due diligence into the question of durability and stress factors on the machine; and your use of Uranium 238 as a fuel source contravenes a number of EPA, NRC and OSHA regulations. Second, while we appreciate your all-American willingness to refrain from murdering a defenseless child, we have cause to question the efficacy of, as you put it, "giving that Ratzi a fighting chance" by attempting to assassinate him once he has acheived adulthood. I hardly need remind you that the adult Hitler, especially at the time at which you propose to kill him, was a well-guarded and canny public figure who was surrounded by a cadre of fanatically devoted, highly trained armed guards and who survived a number of assassination attempts. Furthermore, while we are all impressed with your claims of keeping yourself in "top fighting trim for a theoretical physicist" (as well as the revealing candid snapshot you included with your grant proposal), it seems as if challenging Adolf Hitler to a fistfight is not the way to go. Even if my confidence was as robust as yours in your ability to "beat that lousy sausage-sniffer into a dead red mash", it seems unlikely that the Fuhrer would consent to such a bout. Loath as it may be to your sense of fair play and sportsmanship, we might suggest strangling an infant Hitler in his crib, or perhaps arranging for him to be struck by an automobile as a student. Finally, it is much appreciated that you have included a list of alternate targets. This sort of back-up planning and failure mode evaluation analysis is highly valued in the Defense Department. However, your particular selections are somewhat confusing to us. The murder of Genghis Khan, while probably desirable from a humanitarian standpoint, is not likely to have as immediate an impact on the American experiment; the assassination of Winston Churchill would seem to hurt us more than help us; and I am not sure who Benny Solomon is, aside from the fact that he apparently went to high school with you, but I can't see how his death would have a similar impact on the nation at large as would Hitler's. To repeat, Dr. Helton, we all greatly encourage you in this project, particularly those of us who lost family or friends during the Second World War. With a bit of revision, a greater degree of compliance, and a bit less reliance on phrases like "punch his face to custard", "stinking Heinie pig-shit", and "KA-BLAMMO!" in your grant proposal, we think you're onto something big. Sincerely, Dr. Maureen Finkel |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "If you once turn on your side after the hour at which you ought to rise, it is all over. Bolt up at once." (Sir Walter Scott) |