LUDIC LOG

The discovery in a South Korean hayloft of a new edition of Shakespeare's plays has sent shockwaves through the academic world. Brought to light by renowned Pohang-based scholar and beet farmer Kyung Il Jang and judged to be authentic by the North Texas All-American Theatrical Verifiers Association, this groundbreaking collection -- thought to have been personally edited by the Bard of Avon in 1609, soon after the death of his mother -- is being referred to as the Sedicesimo edition and is eagerly being pored over by professors and critics alike. Although official publication of the Sedicesimo is not scheduled until April 26, 2004 (to coincide with the playwright's 440th birthday), the owner of the materials, Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation, has generously allowed this publication an early glimpse of the comedies, and a taste of what lies in store for us. What has changed about the plays of the canon? What surprises await us in this, the first 'new' edition of William Shakespeare's work since the Quarto edition of 1623? The answers will astound, shock, and, we hope, delight you.

The Comedy of Errors. Dromio of Syracuse now named Dromio of Melton Mowbray. Conversations between Luciana and Antipholus replaced with long string of curse words, in Latin. Act IV, Scene II removed; anti-Catholic League propaganda leaflet inserted in its place.

The Two Gentlemen of Verona. Play now titled "The Two Colossal Assholes of Verona". Plot now hinges on extremely detailed discussion of Mantuan tax policy. Valentine and Proteus dress in ape suits for most of Act I.

Love's Labour's Lost. Longaville changed from character in play to setting of play. Don Adriano de Armado referred to in dramatis personae not as "a fantastical Spaniard", but rather "a fantastical retard". Holofernes brutally decapitated in Act IV, Scene II by previously unseen character Judith.

A Midsummer-Night's Dream. All characters openly referred to as homosexuals. Lengthy anal sex scene between Bottom and Snout takes up much of the first half of the play. Robin Goodfellow inexplicably has become the king of Sweden.

The Merchant of Venice. Action of play has been moved to Verona. Antonio now wishes to open a fast-food hamburger chain in Italy. Shylock, Jessica and Tubal are all beaten with whips and sent to a concentration camp run by "Lartin Muther" at the end of the play.

The Taming of the Shrew. Endnote suggests that "John Cleese would make an awesome Petruchio". Kate's shrewish nature now attributed to foul odor rather than bad temperament. Play concludes with Bianca marrying Lucentio's servant Grumio.

Much Ado About Nothing. Dogberry's role is now that of a straight man. Don Pedro and Don John are the same character, and most of their dialogue consists of one actor standing alone on stage and yelling "bastard!" to himself. Play ends after six pages.

As You Like It. Play now titled As You Like to Like It Live. Middle action of play involves Charles showing various all-in wrestling moves to Frederick while shirtless and smeared with duck fat. Line in the dramatis personae previously reading "A person representing Hymen" crossed out, replaced with doodle of penis.

The Merry Wives of Windsor. Abraham Slender now referred to by most other characters as Abraham Fat-Ass. Shakespeare's endnotes suggest that for matinee performances, a lucky audience member be chosen at random to write his or her own ending. Play retitled The Merry Wives of Stepford and concerns itself with the replacement of Mistresses Ford and Page with robotic duplicates.

Twelfth Night, or, What You Will. Orsino is now both the Duke of Illyria, the sea captain, and Viola's brother. Sir Toby Belch displays many other gastrointestinal problems. Sir Andrew Aguecheek now the hero of the story, which concerns "thee smuggling of a rare pestilence, which muft be stopped within twenty-four of the clock".

Troilus and Cressida. Play is now no longer a comedy, but a drama. Additionally, play is no longer Shakespeare, but a word-for-word duplication of Homer's Odyssey. Most of last three pages of the play are unreadable due to the presence of what are thought to be fried chicken stains.

All's Well That Ends Well. Shakespeare's endnotes: "Well, I really gave away the end with this title, didn't I?" Action changed from France and Italy to Egypt and Ethiopia. Touchstone the Clown from As You Like It makes several cameo appearances, reading his same lines from that play at confusing moments.

Measure for Measure. Play is now called Measure for Measure for Measure: Two Colossal Assholes of Verona II. Action has been moved to Verona from Venice. Announcer is told to "check thy local listings for the debut of Master Shakes-speare's next great play, Henry the Fifth: Henry the Fourth Part Two Part Two".

Pericles, Prince of Tyre. All characters other than Thaisa, daughter to Simonides, have been eliminated. Play is now three times as long. Thaisa now reads entire play verbatim as a solo performance, saying the other characters' lines in funny voices.

Cymbeline. Main character now referred to as Thumbelina. Iachimo now entirely identical to Iago, and spends much of the play railing against injustices he has suffered at the hands of Othello, who is not in the play. Shakespeare's end-notes call for an all-midget cast.

The Winter's Tale. Play has been reimagined as an experimental performance piece which takes an entire winter to perform. Characters are eaten in the order in which they appear. The first Shakespeare play to feature regular musical numbers.

The Tempest. Prospero's books are all about carpentry, and the entire play takes place in an elaborate treehouse fort he has constructed. Caliban, rather than scheming against his cruel master, merely complains about the poor quality of his level. Action has been moved from desert island to a small coffee shop in Verona.