In the last few weeks, being broke, friendless and with nothing worthwhile to occupy my time, I have increasingly turned to the world of video games.  Other broke, friendless losers have programmed these fine amusements so that they could become less broke and I could become more worthless.  Why, in the last week alone, I have played games in which I pretend to be an athlete who makes more money in three hours than I will in a lifetime; run around a thinly fictionalized Los Angeles committing acts of violent mayhem; reenact the scenes from a famous movie that the director was tasteful enough to leave offscreen; engaged in an even more degraded form of adolescent wish-fulfilment than I normally get from comic books; and relived the horrible bullying torment of my junior high school days.  What larks! 

Still, I am unsatisfied.  The following games have been delayed by their manufacturers, and I'm not sure how much longer I can wait.

Tony Hawk's American Wastebasket: Superstar skateboarder and American hero Tony Hawk must struggle with his game design crew to come up with another sequel to his "Pro Skater" franchise that doesn't suck. Each missed merchandising opportunity means another page in the circular file...and another step closer to disaster!

Gun Lobbyist: In this exciting combination of first-person shooter and hot 'n' nasty roleplaying action, you take on the persona of a National Rifle Association spokesman whose job is to convince Congress that a ban on shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft missile launchers is an infringement of the Second Amendment. Look out for Mothersgroup, the killer boss on level six!

Need for Seed: Uterus' Most Wanted: EA Games gives the gamer what he wants with this exciting new title. Playing a virile but unsociable nerd, you must infiltrate your local fertility clinic and convince them you are a Nobel prizewinner in order to get access to their top-drawer collection of smut. The money you'll make off donating your frankly astonishing backlog of juice will be more than enough to buy you that badly needed copy of Madden 2008!

Dance Dance Counterrevolution: After seeing your small town reduced to shirtless, sweaty ruins following a tour stopover by Michael Flately's "Lord of the Dance" troupe, you must forever outlaw dancing lest the horrors be visited on you again. Do this with the aid of a special dance pad and an awesome soundtrack of hits by Lawrence Welk, Lester Lanin and a wide selection of mulleted guys in cowboy hats; you earn points for every misstep, jerky arm motion, and arrhythmic drunken-frat-boy move you perform. Voices include Julia Louis-Dreyfus and John Litghow.

Medal of Honor: Dereliction of Duty: The latest installment of this popular team combat shooter features some of the proudest moments in U.S. military history. Players have the option of fighting alongside the National Guard at Kent State University, serving under the command of Lt. William Calley at My Lai, helping secure the royal family of Kuwait's solid gold finger bowl collection during the first Gulf War, or liberating medical students during the harrowing defense of Grenada. Side missions include helping suppress terrorist insurgents in the Phillipines, the Dominican Republic, Nicaragua, and the University of Mississippi, and Little Big Horn.

Which of these titles will take pride of place in my collection? Will it be one of these comers, or will it go to a surprise black sheep winner like Grand Theft Auto: Wal-Mart Parking Lot in Lima, OH, Super Mario Paralegal, or Final Fantasy XXVII: Party Naked? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

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"Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals." (Don DeLillo)