LUDIC LOG

"Sound off! What's your name, asswipe?"

"Uh...Alan Coyne."

"Bullshit! I can't hear you, asswipe! Speak up like when you tell your girlfriend to pull on it! What's your name, asswipe?"

"Coyne. Alan Coyne. I'm from Document Control."

"Document Control? Is that what they're calling it now? Bullshit! You're a fucking file clerk! Are you a cocksucker, File Clerk?"

"...what?"

"Don't pretend you didn't hear me, you yellow piece of shit! I asked if you suck dick!"

"I...um, I think I might be in the wrong place."

"What are you doing in my office, you flabby shitbag?"

"What?"

"Goddamnit, File Clerk, you are wasting my fucking time! Your mama ain't here to pin a note to your fucking sleeve! Now spill it, you rotten ass-cramp, or I swear to Muhammed I will climb up your leg and bust you in the crapper! What the fuck do you want?"

"I, er. I need a copy of the Physician Directory for the health plan."

"Bullshit! You are so full of crap I can smell it on your breath, File Clerk! I think you came here to ask for some time off!"

"No, really. I just need to find out who my primary care provider would be for optical."

"File Clerk, don't you fucking shit in your hand and then shake! You are a lying cum-sack weak sister who has come here to take a day off to diddle your grandma! Because you know and I know that every employee was issued a copy of the Physician Directory at the start of fiscal year 2003 and the only way you'd need one is if you were some kind of wet fart who lost his! Now what are you really doing here, File Clerk?"

"Um."

"Don't just stand there with that dumb look on your face like you just fought your way out of a bag of dicks! Speak up or get the fuck out of my cubicle!"

"I, er. Look, I did. I did lose my Physician Directory. I lost it, and I need to get a new one. And that's that. They told me to see you because you're the new Human Resources guy. Er, person."

"You don't like me, do you, File Clerk?"

"I..."

"You think I'm an asshole, don't you , File Clerk?"

"I really...I just met you."

"Bullshit! I just met you too, and I don't like you any better than the dog turd I scraped off my shoe this morning! You probably think you're better than me, don't you, File Clerk?"

"No. No! I hardly..."

"Did you go to college, pansy-ass?"

"What? Yes. I went to..."

"What did you major in, File Clerk? Sucking cock?"

"Actually, no. I was, I majored in sociology."

"Sociology! Only two kinds of people major in sociology and that's maggots and faggots. I don't know which one you are but unless you crawled up here out of a pile of shit I think you're a goddamn cocksucker!"

"I. Um."

"You probably don't like me at all. You probably think I shouldn't be in the private sector."

"You do seem a little, well, high-strung."

"Shut your fucking pee-portal, File Clerk! I'm doing the goddamn talking!"

"..."

"You probably think I shouldn't have left the military. You probably think I'm not cut out for working in the HR field."

"Uh..."

"Well, guess what, File Clerk? I think the goddamn senate shouldn't have closed the base where I was assigned! But you don't hear me bitching like a goddamn milk baby!"

"Could I just get a copy of the Physician Directory?"

"Sure, File Clerk! I'll just drop whatever I'm doing and cover for your fuckup! Just as soon as you hit the deck and give me fifty."

"..."

"Well? Are you gonna stand there like a queen snake is crawling up your behind, or are you gonna give me my fifty and get out of here?"

"Fifty what?"

"Just take the directory, kid. I can't keep this up like I used to, and I got lunch in five."