LUDIC LOG

The success or failure of the Funny Middle Names Act of 2007 is, at this stage, still too early to measure. The historian of 2100 may have a keener and more informed perspective on its wisdom or folly, but the editorialist of 2027 can only make half-educated guesses, observe persistent trends, and pray that posterity doesn't make him look too much the fool. It is in that spirit this publication offers a look back at the FMNA, twenty years down the road.

Originally proposed by Senator Scott "The Prop Congressman Thompson as part of the mini-revolution in the late 2000s to make the U.S. Constitution more hip and demographically appealing to a younger voting bloc, it passed by a slim majority in the 110th Congress, alongside other bills of the same nature, from the glorious (the Free Pizza Sundays Act and the Expansion of Rockin' Rights Bill) to the disastrous (the Hawaiian Shirt Reclamation Bill and the More Titty Act). For many years, the use of a comical tag or middle name, had been commonplace in the United States, from stand-up comedy to editorial journalism to the letters, e-mail and postcards sent by ordinary working Americans; the impassioned campaigning on behalf of the act by Sen. Thompson and his large, comical "gravel gavel saw it through vigorous and sometimes bitter opposition from fiscal and social conservatives. But, like most political battles, it was won less with the weapons of rhetoric and debate than with the tools of high finance; forward-looking industries from printing and graphic design to the legal profession saw a massive windfall in the passage of the act, and threw their not-inconsiderable weight behind it.

It was politics that created the Funny Middle Names Act, and politicians were among the first to feel its effects. Due to early hiccups in the legal process, there were often long delays in official establishment of Funny Middle Names, and a cut-throat negative campaign or partisal newspaper editorial could often falsely establish in the minds of the public a disastrous tag for a public figure. This built-in legal delay, so common in the early days, was doubtlessly what spelled defeat for longtime North Carolina congressman Cass "Frequent Painful Urination" Ballenger. However, those with a canny understanding of the legal intricacies of the new law and a determination to use it to their advantage turned the loopholes from doom to boon, as was the case with Montana gubernatorial underdog Pete "Superstud" Riley and New York senator Chuck "Free Cash" Schumer.

As is often the case in sweeping reform, the children were the ones who felt the effects most intensely. Since the act provided that, while legal adults could change their Funny Middle Name through the process already embodied in law, juveniles, names must come from their parents, an entire generation came of age suffering a uniquely public embarrassment or, as their mothers and fathers would have it, learning a valuable lesson about obedience and respect. Initially, a spike in juvenile crime was noted, as adolescents rebelled (often violently) against being called Tim "Never Takes the Trash Out" Ornstein, Jenine "Like Hell You're Going Out in That Get-Up" Mossarelli, or Marcus "Oh, So You Think You Grown Now" Kendrick. However, with the contemporary trend of reporting juvenile crime in newspapers and the 2011 lifting of the ban on reporting personal information on underage defendants, the teen crime rate suddenly bottomed out a trend widely attributed to the negative motivation of shame. It was one thing to rebel against one's parents; it was quite another to see KENNY "MOTHER'S PRECIOUS ANGEL" LEMOYNE, 17, CHARGED WITH SCHOOL ARSON on the front page of the paper.

Naturally, the legal profession, as well as manufacturers of do-it-yourself name-change kits, saw massive profits as the first generation of the act came of age and changed their names en masse; in 2014 alone, over 15,000 new judgeships were created to handle the caseload of citizens who had just turned 18 and no longer wished to be known as "Piggy-Pants". Starting two years ago, the FMNA Boomers -- children born immediately after passage of the act who were now reaching their majority -- began changing their names in gargantuan numbers; over eight thousand people changed their middle name from "The World's Cutest Baby", just in Florida.

But the coming of age of a new generation wasn't the only cash cow in town. Until the Supreme Court decision of 2012, innumerable lawsuits clogged the courts where people would sue other people with the same funny middle name, claiming (as later refuted by the majority decision led by Justice Antonin "Bad Ass Mother Fucker" Scalia) that they were proprietary intellectual property. With the Supremes, decision came a wave of corporate sponsorship: a marketing gimmick first tried in the late 1990s became de rigueur, as corporations by the score lined up with offers of cash, free merchandise or college tuition for anyone who would name their child "Nike Girl", "The Coca-Cola Kid" or "Smucker's Reduced Fat Creamy Natural Style Peanut Butter". And, just as frequently, corporations would recoup the losses from these sponsorships in the form of lawsuits against individuals for copyright infringement: while the Scalia ruling established that an individual could not own absolute use of a Funny Middle Name, it also established that trademarks and service marks were still protected a detail that came back to haunt thousands of people who had been excessively fond of advertising slogans or catch-phrases.

Of course, it wasn't all lawsuits and resentment. The passage of the act has been an absolute Godsend for the entertainment industry, as "That One Guy from 'King of the World'" becomes less a forgetful fumbling and more a salable brand name. Film superstar Olivia "The Redhead with the Huge Rack" Colombia calls the FMNA the single greatest influence on her career. Additionally, as Paul "The Dead Historian Fussell noted in his seminal work The Great War and Modern Memory, America has always had a passionate desire to reinvent itself, and nothing has facilitated this tendency more than the Funny Middle Names Act of 2007. The ability to constantly reevaluate and change one's legally required tag has done more than create vital government jobs and enrich attorneys and notary publics; it has allowed American citizens to engage in a lengthy (and, most importantly, legally recognized) process of self-evaluation.

We close with an example: 20 years ago, a clever and ambitious district attorney from Lincoln, Nebraska took advantage of the then-new law by naming himself Horatio "Tough On Crime" Sansbury. As his career progressed, he bolstered (or sometimes defended) his reputation as Horatio "The Bullshit Detector" Sansbury, Horatio "No New Taxes" Sansbury, Horatio "Children Are the Future" Sansbury, Horatio "Not Guilty" Sansbury, and Horatio "My Opponent, Bill Junger, is a Drug-Addicted Communist Liar" Sansbury. A man with a true understanding of the law and what it meant to America, his rise has closely mirrored tjat of the FMNA over the last two decades. Today, his officially recognized name is Horatio "Nobody Fucks with the U.S.A." Sansbury, but all over the globe, he's best known by his unofficial tag: Mr. President.