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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: Halloween in the house! The winter
holiday season has begun. Nothin' but Halloween entries the rest
of the week.
"Herb-Ox propylene glycol" "Ahscroft speaking in statue justice" "applying for a lein" "teeth plaque conspiracy Metallica" "heroin and injection into penis" "Condi's girlfriend" "Tarzan jungle stud" "towelhead humor" |
10.30.2004
Thanks and shout-out to Matt Rossi, who contributed the odd entries in this piece. Worldwide Zombie Invasion eaten by worldwide zombie invasion Providence, RI - Up-and-coming black metal band Worldwide Zombie Invasion, touring in support of their Eaten by the Dead EP, were set upon and devoured by shambling hordes of the risen dead Sunday evening when they went on stage to perform their Hot 100 single, "Kicking and Screaming". Bandleader Aaron "Necrotis" Sandheim and bassist J. Eamon Nightshade were later reported to have risen as zombies themselves. Their management had no comment on how the band's consumption by cannibalistic corpses will affect the "Cannibal Corpses Consume You All" tour. New zombie-themed eatery opens to mixed reviews Chicago, IL - Zuvembi, an upscale restaurant catering to the increasing living-dead demographic, has opened in the city's Gold neighborhood. Many local residents, both zombie and non-zombie, welcome the establishment: "The more they go to Zuvembi," says Roger Hermley, 43, an architect who lives three doors down from the new hot spot, "the less likely they will be to attack and eat my wife or children." Critics, however, have not been as enthusiastic. "The menu is extremely limited," wrote Chicago Tribune food critic Margarethe Peregrin, "featuring nothing but warm and cold human flesh done hunter-style, and the decor, consisting of blood troughs and a huge pile of corpses in the center of the workmanlike space, leaves a great deal to be desired. Ms. Peregrin's review was cut short, however, when she was herself eaten by the clientele. Good Samaritans save retirement community Sarasota, FL - Steven Dunsmore, 22, and Ellyn Mundsen, 19, were credited with saving the seniors of Merrymount Acres, an assisted living community, from wave after wave of the living dead by Sheriff's Department Deputy Richard Sanders. "It's a good thing those kids happened by with those baseball bats, spray paint cans, M-80s and shotguns, or there's a good chance that those folks would have been ghoulishly devoured by blasphemous mockeries of life walking the earth, constantly on the watch for victims to sate their unholy hunger." When asked about their heroism and what compelled them to drive down the one-way road to Merrymount Acres, Dunsmore replied "Uh, we were just going fishing, really." Zombie spokesman tight-lipped about holiday plans Pensacola, FL - The former Richard Utley, a spokesman for the southeastern zombie wave, refused to confirm or deny rampant rumors about an upcoming offensive by the legions of the walking dead set to coincide with the holiday season. Faced with tough questions by reporters at a Friday afternoon press conference, Utley kept mum, refusing to spell out any details about upcoming plans. Notorious for his close-to-the-vest style with the media, Utley responded to all questions with a weak, low moaning before wandering off midway through the press conference and stumbling over his TelePrompTer. Cold snap freezes cows, zombies Lloydminster, Alberta, CANADA - The living dead were less problematic than were the blistering winds and intense cold that reduced the temperature to -40 celsius, killing many livestock but fortunately preventing the march of the undead from penetrating the town, reported RCMP spokesman Robert Whitbred. "It got so harsh that those zombies just kinda stopped moving. I saw one try and get to my truck, but his foot had frozen to the ground and he tore his own leg off and hit the ground face-down." The people of Alberta are advised to dress in layers and take shifts while going outside to shatter the frozen dead with hammers or tend to any farm animals in distress. Zombification of strippers at local men's club leaves clients unaffected Detroit, MI - After a deadly encounter with a pack of wandering zombies after closing time at the end of September, nine of the 13 strippers at the Lucky Devil men's club were transformed into the undead themselves. However, this has failed to discourage the club's loyal clientele. In fact, business has picked up noticably since the incident. "Hey, the chicks are still naked, you know?" said local business Harold Staton, 51. "And, sure, they don't dance with quite as much pep, but they also don't mind if you don't tip them." Manager Jim Lyland notes, however, that due to a number of unfortunate "accidents", lap dances have been discontinued. Man kills zombies in sniping frenzy, mistakenly saves sixteen Dallas, TX - Knertis Slaight, 32, inadvertently saved a group of people trapped in a Walgreens under seige by the walking dead when he climbed a water tower and began picking the zombies off with a .30-06 Springfield rifle. Said to be distraught over the recent loss of his job and the dissolution of his marriage, Slaigh calmly and methodically shot down dozens of zombies, never realizing that he was in effect relieving the besieged citizens inside the drugstore. Slaight will be charged for discharging a firearm in city limits, according to Lt. Angela Jiminez of the Dallas Police Department. "We hope we can get him some psychiatric help, because we could really use someone with his remarkable skill with the rifle." Local sheriff unaware of zombie invasion Pittsburgh, PA - Sheriff Jon Dooley, who organized local militias to travel to the rural areas and slums in and around this industrial city shooting people of color, revealed to reporters that he had no idea that there was a zombie invasion going on. Dooley, who has become something of a local hero for his cleaning up the public housing units that are home to most of the area's blacks and Latinos as well as for gunning down 'home invaders' in suburban and rural areas, inadvertantly revealed that he had no idea his acclaim was that of a zombie killer. When asked, after a recent expedition that claimed the lives of 23 Asian and Hispanic undead, how long he expected the zombie invasion to last, Dooley replied, "the what now?" Man rises from dead, refuses to leave house Calais, FRANCE - Guillaime Tredamis, formerly 77, died and rose again, as did uncounted numbers of Frenchmen this week, according to his wife Solange. But unlike most of the risen dead, he seems content to sit on the couch and watch British soap operas like 'Eastenders' and 'Ballykissangel'. Friends and neighbors say that, apart from the rank odor of the grave, he seems much the same. "I went by yesterday to see if Solange was all right, and there was Gil, sitting in his chair and watching his stories. He was attempting to drink a beer, but I think beetles ate out a part of his neck, because it was spilling down his shirt." Mrs. Tredamis says she's used to him being a lazy good-for-nothing who doesn't know an honest day's work, but at least he's not so bossy now. Zombie-based reality shows are a smash hit Hollywood, CA - America's obsession with the invasion of living dead ghouls from beyond the veil of mortality is being reflected in its popular culture, as reality-based programming centered around zombies dominates the airwaves. Last week, seven of the ten programs in the Nielsen top ten were zombie-based reality shows: Who Wants to Marry a Dead Millionaire?; American Idle; The Putrefactor; Corpse Swap; Dead Eye for the Live Guy; My Big Fat Deceased Fiancee; and Survivor: Everywhere. "It's been a huge boon for us in terms of cheap production and high ratings," admits producer Preston Viacomo, "but the insurance rates are ungodly." 'Zombie Love' organization targeted under California law Yreka, CA - A group of over 25 local farmers, ranchers, and other residents of the quiet Northern California town of Yreka were caught in an California Highway Patrol sweep of suspected 'Zombie Love' groups who capture, modify and sell zombies for personal use. "We've been seeing some suspicious activity out this way," reported California Highway Patrol spokesman Captain Jon Poncharelli. "But I never expected to pull over a truck with fifty toothless, armless zombies in it." Reports indicate that the unliving are swept up by heavily armed gangs and have their limbs and teeth removed before being sold. Those captured in this most recent raid will be prosecuted under California's recently-enacted law making necrophilia a Type III felony. Texas executioner resents having to kill the same people over and over Austin, TX - State executioner Irv Oldford, the official administrator of the state's death penalty program for the last 16 years, expressed dismay at having to repeat himself given the recent worldwide zombie invasion. Oldford, who pulled the plunger on dozens of capital criminals during President George W. Bush's tenure as governor, has recently seen a great decrease in his job satisfaction since having to re-execute a number of risen murderers. "Look at this guy," complained Oldford as Jose L. Gutierrez, who he first executed for a double murder in 1998, was wheeled in strapped to a gurney. "The last time I did this guy he was nothing but trouble, and now here he is again. I don't know why I even bother anymore. Christ." Colin Wilson collects James Randi's money Los Angeles, CA - Colin Wilson, author of books like The Occult, Beyond the Occult, and new bestseller Holy Fucking Shit: I Just Saw A Zombie, appeared alongside long-time skeptic and paranormal debunker James Randi to accept a check for Randi's long-standing challenge to provide empirical proof of the supernatural. "I was holding out hope that it was an alien virus from a space probe," said Randi while handing over the oversized novelty check. "But after I saw Steve Allen's corpse burst forth from the soil and begin devouring passersby in a comical manner on the street, I figured it was time to accept that there is no more room in Hell and that the dead walk the earth." Wilson intends to use the money to start a foundation to study if the plague of risen dead is related to 'faculty X', a proposed mystical facility all humans supposedly possess. Unprecedented levels of cooperation in the Middle East reported Tel Aviv, ISRAEL - In life, Habib el-Hazziz and Moishe Kuhlsmann were mortal enemies. Kuhlsmann, a battle-hardened captain in the Israeli Defense Force, was a devoted Zionist who was known to refer to Palestinians as "subhuman"; el-Hazziz, a Hamas terrorist who killed Kuhlsmann and himself in a July 21 suicide bombing, was a radical Arab nationalist who described Jews as "blood-drinking vermin". Since rising from the dead, however, the two have become just two of literally thousands of Arab and Jewish zombies to set aside their pre-death differences and unite in common cause. "It's really an amazing thing," says Marta Finkelstein, head of Israelis for Peace in Palestine. "This is the sort of cooperation and understanding we've been hoping for these last three decades. I just wish their common cause was something a little more uplifting than devouring the warm flesh of the living." Rise of living dead curse, boon to military Washington, DC - Military planners, speaking on conditions of anonymity, have debated whether the rise of the hungry dead is a net gain or loss for the U.S . armed forces. "Look, obviously we're out there now, trying to take out as many of these things as possible. But you can't help wondering about the potential of soldiers who get up again after you shoot them, you know?" However, Col. James Arkbright, ret, points out a downside: "Look, if your guys are getting up, so might the enemy. And what about when the one hundred thousand civilians dead because of your military get up, too? Just as an example." Gravediggaz reunite New York, NY - Two years after disbanding following the death of complications stemming from cancer of their founder and lead rapper Too Poetic, the pioneering horrorcore quartet known as the Gravediggaz announced their reformation this weekend. "Well, the only reason we broke up in the first place was 'cause Poetic died," admits Frukwan, "and now he's back, so there's really no point in sitting around doing nothing." Producer RZA is taking time off from the Wu-Tang Clan to produce their next album, which is expected to drop in March of 2005. Prince Paul admits the reunion will not be without problems: "Current events have kinda passed us by, lyrically, and admittedly Poetic's delivery has lost a step. But he's a dedicated entertainer and I feel like once we let him out of the sealed recording studio we've trapped him in, he's gonna be the comeback kid of the year." Zombie clown entertains birthday party, no one notices Stuttgart, GERMANY - Steiger Hiemler, formerly 55, died from a heart attack while entertaining at Hans Daittrett's 11th birthday party, but his rise from death into unholy undeath was seen as the children as part of his performance. "The smelly man, he fell down and made a lot of noise, and we were scared, but then he stood up again and began tying balloon animals," reported the child of the hour. His parents Heinrich and Jora only began to suspect the truth when they attempted to pay Hiemler but he ignored them, instead attacking a nearby straw dummy and attempting to eat its head. Explosion in undead population seen as economic mixed blessing Washington, DC - The massive increase in the U.S. population due to the recently deceased rising from the dead and reentering the active population will have an as-yet unpredictable effect on leading economic indicators, says U.S. Department of Labor economist John Hazel. "On the one hand, housing starts are up, security and sanitation expenditures are through the roof, and there's some really innovative work being done in the motuary industry. On the other hand, though, consumer confidence has hit decade-long lows, and the shopping malls are almost deserted," says Hazel. "As for the zombies themselves, they aren't considered economic producers at the moment. If we can encourage them to re-enter the workplace, though, it could really work to our advantage." Shit, shit, shit, I think there are zombies outside New York, NY - This reporter, working alone in the AP branch here in Manhattan, urinated in his pants upon hearing what might have been the shuffling of zombie feet out in the hallway. Unwilling to risk opening the door to check for fear that it really might be a zombie, or perhaps zombies, he has instead pushed several desks in front of the door and is now cowering under his desk with a bottle of Jim Beam he kept in his desk without his employer's consent or knowledge and a butcher knife from the little kitchenette near his cubicle. |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason if we remember that we are not descended from fearful men, not from men who feared to write, to speak, to associate and to defend causes which were, for the moment, unpopular." (Edward R. Murrow) |