LUDIC LOG

B: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

W: I do.

B: Take the stand.

DA: Could you state your name for the record?

W: John Weismohr.

DA: What is your occupation, Mr. Weismohr?

W: I'm a stockbroker.

DA: Were you at the Rangers-Tigers game on the evening of September 28th, 2008?

W: I was.

DA: The night when Alex Rodriguez hit the record-breaking home run.

W: That's correct.

DA: Could you describe the moment? When he hit the ball?

W: Well, he had a full count, and the Tigers pitcher -- it was Justin Mirer -- sent in a low change. That's what it looked like to me, at least. And A-Rod just crushed it. Sent it way into the right field bleachers.

DA: Which is where you happened to be sitting at the time.

W: Right. That's how I ended up with it.

DA: You didn't really 'end up with it' though, did you, Mr. Weismohr?

W: Uh...well, yeah, I did. I mean, I have it. Until the sale goes through, I mean. Ha ha.

DA: Mr. Weismohr, what seat were you in at the time?

W: I don't remember. It's been over a year.

DA: Submit as evidence Exhibit A, Mr. Weismohr's ticket stub from the night in question. It's Section 122, Row 24, Seat 3.

J: Duly noted.

W: Where did you get that?

DA: Do you have any idea where the ball actually came down, Mr. Weismohr?

W: Somewhere near me. I don't know where exactly. It was kind of a chaotic moment, you know.

DA: Submit as evidence Exhibit B, a videotape analysis of the home run ball's trajectory. Note that it takes a bounce off the right field railing, then is deposited around Row 4, Seat 17.

W: Well, there was a bit of a struggle.

DA: Of Section 138.

W: It's all a blur.

DA: Please note that according to our investigators, Mr. Weismohr was sitting approximately 124 feet from where the ball came down.

J: Duly noted.

W: I run really fast.

DA: You'd have to.

W: I ran track in high school.

DA: And how old are you now, Mr. Weismohr?

W: 42.

DA: Mr. Weismohr, in fact, you were nowhere near the ball when it came down, were you?

D: Objection. Challenge.

J: Sustained.

DA: Mr. Weismohr, is it your contention that you were able to run almost 150 feet, through a crowd of thousands of people, in the less than two seconds before the ball was caught?

W: Look, I...okay, submit as evidence Exhibit C...

J: You're not allowed to submit things as evidence, Mr. Weismohr.

W: Okay, but look. On the ticket, it says "Fans are invited to keep any ball that go into the stands".

DA: You're not allowed to take them from other people, though.

D: Objection. Not established.

W: Yeah, objection.

D: Thank you, Mr. Weismohr, I've got it.

J: Sustained.

DA: Mr. Weismohr, how exactly did you come to have possession of the ball? Videotape clearly shows a brief struggle for the ball, after which it comes up quite cleanly in the hands of Mr. Kenny LaRosa, who is in the courtroom today. He hands it to his young son Arturo, who is also here. This is shown repeatedly, at various angles, in various degrees of closeup, on the nationally broadcast videotape of the game. You, on the other hand, are nowhere to be seen.

W: I was there. I was ducking down.

DA: Why were you ducking down?

W: To get the ball.

DA: Arturo LaRosa had the ball.

W: It is my contention...

D: Your honor...

W: ...that he was never fully in possession of the ball...

D: ...move that this testimony be stricken from the record...

W: ...because, as you can see, he bobbles it several times.

D: ...as possibly prejudicial to my client.

J: Overruled. Testimony may stand.

W: Because he never really had the ball.

DA: Where does he bobble it?

W: Look on the tape. See? Right there. He bobbles it. He's never in control of the ball. I feel it was still up for grabs.

DA: He's not bobbling it. He's just tossing it in and out of his glove.

W: Objection. Conjecture.

J: You don't get to make objections either, Mr. Weismohr.

W: Damn.

DA: Mr. Weismohr, do you remember at exatly what time you gained possession of the ball?

W: It was...let me see...it's hard to remember.

DA: Just a ballpark estimate. No pun intended.

W: Maybe 11:30.

DA: 11:30 PM.

W: Yeah.

DA: After the game.

W: Yeah. After it was over.

DA: And Mr. Rodriguez hit the home run ball in the second inning.

W: Bottom of the second.

DA: I see.

W: Possession is 9/10ths of the law. Isn't that right? Didn't I hear that? Marty?

D: Don't call me Marty.

DA: So, after the game, how did you get possession the ball?

W: Well, I had been keeping an eye on the kid...

DA: Arturo LaRosa.

W: Right. Because, as I say, he had been fumbling it, you know, and I hoped I'd have a shot at it.

DA: So you stalked him out to his car.

D: Objection, your honor. Prejudicial.

J: Sustained.

W: I wouldn't say stalked. I followed him to his car. I was very determined. And sure enough, in the end, he couldn't keep control of the ball, and it was mine.

DA: In the parking lot, after the game.

W: I think that's still considered part of the ballpark. Like what if someone hit a homer into the parking lot? You wouldn't make a big deal out of that.

DA: So let me ask you this. Did he, in the end, lose control of the ball before or after you hit him with the tire iron?

D: Objection!

J: Overruled.

W: Before! I mean, well, technically, at the same moment. But I didn't hit him with the tire iron. It was a badly timed accident.

DA: You just happened to be swinging a tire iron, and he walked right in front of it.

W: You know how kids are.

DA: And that's the exact moment that he lost control of the ball.

W: I don't know if that's the exact moment. I'm not a, you know, time-ologist, or whatever. I'm just a fan of baseball who caught a lucky break.

DA: A lucky break.

W: Well, lucky for me. I guess not so much for him.

DA: No further questions, your honor.

W: Can I go now? I have a meeting scheduled with Todd MacFarlane.