LUDIC LOG

So you've got some guns. You've got some friends of the pure white race. You've got a cabin in the woods, a pickup truck, and a dog that's been specially trained to attack people who don't eat pork. You've even stopped paying taxes to the Jew-run I.R.S. You're ready to form your own white supremacist separatist militia, right?

Not so fast.

Often, in the rush to declare independence from the U.N. puppet government of the United States, finish reading that book on homegrown explosives, and murder biracial couples, we'll tend to forget the little things that make life as a member of your own free and independent white Christian nation so worthwhile. After all, there's 24 hours in the day, and only a few of them are likely to be spent drawing blood from the ZOG. Why not spend the intervening moments in comfort and style? Here's how.

Naming your white supremacist separatist militia

You probably won't be surprised to learn that the majority of the letters we receive are about what would seem to be the most fundamental step in putting together a successful, dynamic racist militia. It hasn't even been 60 years since the death of Adolf Hitler, and already it would appear all the best names are taken! Well, don't despair -- and most of all, don't cheat. Simply copying the name of another, more widely-known group might seem like a quick and easy shortcut, but it often leads to intermilitial squabbling, in which dozens of handmade bullets that should be used against the parasitic Jew and his black muscle are expended on one's own. Besides, being unoriginal means getting off on the wrong foot right away; and that's the sort of thing that can sap morale at the most crucial time of your group's existence: the beginning. If the right combination of "white", "Aryan", "Christian" and "resistance" don't immediately spring to mind, why not try a good thesaurus? Roget makes a quality one that's available at budget prices in Wal-Marts all over the Big Sky and southeast. D.L. of Flint, MI, writes: "nothing jazzes up a tired old hate-group moniker like a German-English dictionary." And if you're not up to all those umlauts, then simply come up with a good anagram. There's no need to explain what HATE stands for; sometimes the best secrets are the ones left untold.

Outfitting your white supremacist separatist militia

This is an area where, truly, you get what you pay for. We've seen all to many neo-Nazi death squads who go for the same old camoflage jackets, khaki trousers and Sam Browne belts, only to find out that their hate crimes are as drab, lackluster and predictable as their uniforms. The fact is, when you look good, you feel good. It's unfortunate that so many people copy Hitler's ideology, prejudices and oratory, while completely ignoring his fashion sense! The uniform standards of the Third Reich set a new sartorial standard for virulent fascism; shouldn't the Sixth or even Eighth Reich put forth just as much effort? Sure, black silk and tailor-made leather caps may cost a little more, but the improved self-esteem of your fellow white warriors will make up for it. The same thing goes for choosing a flag. We're not going to say that red and black isn't a classic. But it's possible to overdo even a classic. Why not investigate the bold yellows of the Franco's dictatorship, the pure whites of the Japanese empire, or the vibrant greens of fascist Italy? But don't stop there -- look to the south, and you'll find that our Spanish-speaking neighbors, inferior mud people though they may be, have carried on the glorious tradition of dictatorial regimes, and added their own unique Latin flair! Or why not go for a contemporary flavor? As L.M. of Indiana writes: "We hired a design consultant from the city. He came up with beautiful, inspiring uniforms, a terrific flag, and even some top-notch letterhead. Best of all, he was a homo, so we killed him after he finished and the whole deal didn't cost us a dime!"

Entertaining your white supremacist separatist militia

Everyone knows there's nothing better, after gunning down a talk-show host or liberating some currency from a Jew-run bank, than heading back to the cabin and pounding down a few good solid American beers. But everyone also knows that there can be too much of a good thing. Even the most dedicated kill-and-quaff crowd sometimes longs for a little excitement. And excitement is something you can easily provide. There's more to life than beer! There's Scotch, gin, bourbon, whiskey, vodka and even exotic novelties like aquavit -- and that's all without tainting your shinding with tipples reminiscent of the darkie south like Ouzo and wine. And man does not live on booze alone: while hunting deer and poaching cattle are both useful activities that provide practical value as well as honing your survival skills, variety is the spice of life. J.P. of a small ranch in northwestern Nevada says: "I like to have theme dinners bases around what mongrel race we've targeted that week. For example, a few weeks back, we gunned down this Chink scientist who was teaching evil-lution at the local community college; that Sunday, my wife made kung pao chicken and eggrolls. A while before that, we lynched this colored boy who had wandering eyes for the flower of white feminine youth, and when we got home there was fried chicken and watermelon waiting for us."

Remember this simple adage, Nordic brothers: a little extra effort means a lot of extra appreciation. Next month, we'll discuss interior design and space consultancy for the white supremacist separatist militia. Join us, won't you?