LUDIC LOG

RING

"Hello. This is Morton Watanabe. When you go to the polls tomorrow, ask yourself this question: do you want a candidate who will represent you and your interests? Or do you want a candidate that will represent only himself and the big-money interests that line his pockets? Ken Thurgood has taken money from the dog racing, explosives and poison industries. What agenda will he be pushing in Washington, DC? Vote for a voice. Vote for Morton Watanabe."

RING

"Morton Watanabe says he wants to give you a voice in Washington. But what kind of a voice? Ken Thurgood has a rugged, booming, masculine voice, the kind that can be heard over the squalid partisan bickering that often mars the lawmaking process. Morton Watanabe has a nasal, stuck-up-sounding sissy girl voice -- the kind that will be quickly drowned out by the lure of easy money when the pornographers and criminal lobby come calling. On November 5th, remember these soothing, manly tones, and punch 14 for Ken Thurgood."

RING

"Hey, did Ken Thurgood just call here? He did, didn't he? And I bet he said my voice sounded all faggy. Okay, first of all, that's not even true. As you can tell from this recording, which is of me and not some guy who works on my campaign standing in for me unlike what certain other candidates do, I have a perfectly normal voice, which will have no trouble forwarding my agenda of helping working families and improving educational opportunities. But, hey, Ken Thurgood has millions of dollars he made selling cyanide to North Korea, maybe he can just buy his way into office and get people interested in his agenda of letting old people freeze to death. If you don't want that to happen, vote for me: Morton Watanabe."

RING

"Morton Watanabe. It's a funny name, isn't it? But I don't mean funny ha-ha; I mean funny peculiar. Well, there's a reason for that, a reason Morton Watanabe doesn't want you to know. The truth is, Morton Watanabe is Japanese. His grandparents are from Japan -- the same country that thinks Americans are lazy slobs. The same country that ruined our economy with their cheap, shoddy cars and electronics. The same country that killed thousands of our brave men in uniform. He makes a big deal about Ken Thurgood's perfectly legal business dealings in Korea; but what does he really know about the Yellow Peril? More than he's letting on. When Election Day comes, you can vote for Tojo -- or you can show that you're on America's side. Vote Ken Thurgood."

RING

"Pride. Pride of accomplishment. Pride of family. Pride of place. These things are all important to us as Americans, no matter where our parents or grandparents might have come from. Morton Watanabe is proud of his Japanese anscestry, and even though he has nothing to do with Japan, he is not ashamed of his grandparents, both of whom are dead. Like many Japanese, they were killed by an atomic explosion, or knew of someone who was. An atomic explosion caused by Ken Thurgood. For you see, Ken Thurgood, who as an incumbent has three times voted to expand defense funding, which would lead to the creation of more and more atomic weapons, which in all likelihood will someday be used against you and your family, just like they very well might have been used against Morton Watanabe. Vote against nuclear holocaust. Vote Morton Watanabe."

RING

"Please listen to this message from candidate Morton Watanabe. 'Hi, this is Morton Watanabe. I'd like your vote on November 5th. Without your support, Stalin-style communism could become a thing of the past. Gulags, purges, mass executions and the wholesale starvation of innocents are an endangered species as long as men like Ken Thurgood are in office. I am personally asking, and you can tell it's me by my thick foreigny accent and whiny sissy voice, for your support on Election Day to keep the red flag flying. Don't let democracy triumph! Vote Morton Watanabe!" If this is the kind of government you want, then by all means, punch 15 on your ballot tomorrow. Remember: you can't spell 'Morton' without 'moron'!"

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