LUDIC LOG

It's Thursday again, and you know what that means, of course. That's right! Retarded funnybook recaps from cartoon encyclopedia series published close to 20 years ago! This week, since the Who's Who in the DC Universe series is concluded, I promised you a resumption of our series on The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe. Unfortunately, since the mail service here in Chicago is about as reliable at delivery as Rick Jones was at not sucking, I still don't have the fucking things past issue #5, where we last left off.

However, don't despair, nerd-joke fans, because loyal reader William Renkin does have them, and he's stepping in to bail my ass out of the fire! With only a minor editing boost from me, he has done what's genteely referred to in the comic book biz as a "fill-in issue". Hopefully the series will be in my hands come next Thursday and I'll resume my normal duties actually writing my own goddamn website instead of forcing other people to do it, but in the meantime, thanks to Mr. Renkin for the swell job on the following recap of The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, issue #6: the Human Torch to Ka-Zar. Enjoy!

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[Insert witty intro here]

HYDRA. The Hydra organization (motto: "Bite one cookie, two more will grow in its place!") filled an important niche in the Marvel cosmology. They were the one-size-fits-all terrorist organization, essentially a poor man's version of Cobra from the old GI Joe cartoons. This (long, laborious) entry includes such nice-to-know-but-not-need-to-know factoids as how Laura Brown used to be Agent H, but later became Agent G. Yeaaah. Look at the cast of winners in the headshots, and you won't wonder why they never suceeded. The beauty of the Hydra concept is that every member of the organization was utterly expendable, and you could blow up the island fortresses of the cockroach-like cultists with no moral qualms, because, hey...they're always losers in the world who'd be happy to put on light green jackboots and goofy tunics and pretend to play "war" against Nick Fury.

IMMORTUS. Leonard has posited a theory that purple is the color of sucky evil. I'd like to offer a corollary: purple and green (especially in such retina-singeing shades as seen here) is the mark of utterly misguided character design. So, too, are goatees and Fu-Manchu mustaches (Dr. Strange is the exception here). Which brings us to Immortus. Yet another "alternate universe" version of the time travelling pain-in-the-culottes variously called Kang the Conquerer, the Scarlet Centurion, and Rama-Tut. But let's overlook the headache-inducing life story of the character, and focus on the headache-inducing costume. Kerry Gammill was desperately trying to get all Kirbyesque on our ass and shit, and gave him an impractical...uh...thing on his chin. I sure hope it's made out of felt, because it's metal. He'd better watch himself if he ever nods off in his trans-temporal La-Z-Boy while watching the blernsball game, because as he nods off, his chin might carve out his own heart.

THE IMPERIAL GUARD. Here, Dave Cockrum helps Chris Claremont make nearly exact 1:1 knockoffs of the Legion of Super-Heroes, even going so far as to give the brainy green guy a Braniac headdress. The entry also has this to say about Impulse: "He may be a being of pure energy rather than having a physical body beneath his costume." Of course he's a being of pure energy. At least he was when he was a lLegionnaire named Wildfire.

THE IMPOSSIBLE MAN & THE IMPOSSIBLE WOMAN. Give me a second to count to 10 and get my blood pressure down. Sigh. Okay. One of the reasons I used to prefer Marvel to DC was that Marvel was supposedly free of inane trash like Bat-Mite and Mr. Mxytlpltkqswdfuknggt. Unfortunately, the Marvel cosmology is nonetheless tainted by the scourge of...the Poppupians. Now, far be it from me to preach a crypto-Nazi screed. But here, my friends, is a species that deserves to be hunted into extinction. And worse...he has spawned a "wife" and numerous Impossible Brats. Oh, and before you protest that they reproduce by dividing into two identical beings...no. What the Impossible Man did is give birth to a daughter who became, in essense, his wife and sister. Brrrrr. And, yes, they're green and purple.

THE IN-BETWEENER. He's not really gay, per se, he just doesn't want to commit to being purely into girls or guys only. Also, he's clearly the illegitimate daddy of all those black-on-one-side-white-on-the-other guys from the original Star Trek.

THE INHUMANS. Let that be a lesson to you kids: Just Say No to Terrigen! Or else you'll end up with tree branches growin' out of your fuckin' dome. That, and the fact that the cast on pages 26-27 of OHOTMU #6, with the exception of the throughly paedo-looking Seeker, all look like a Renaissance Faire gone horribly wrong. As for the job market in Attilan: they have more than enough flying guardsmen, but have another opening for "Semi-Intangible Malcontent".

THE INTERLOPER. Speaking of Renaissance Faires gone horribly wrong, we have the only Eternal who isn't an obvious knockoff of Greek mythology. He looks like an evil Raymond Burr playing the part of Conan the Barbarian, in bright yellow boots and an Amish farmer hat.

IRON MAN I. Dig the Dragonball-Z shoulders on his souped-up armor. You can tell it's souped-up because it runs on a 12.5MHz 286sx!

IRON MAN II. And here, plantation owner Tony Stark allows his footman to take the old jalopy out for a spin. It gets hot in that suit, though; it runs on vacuum tubes.

JACKER OF HEARTS. Why is there an arrow on his crotch? Eeeew.

THE JESTER. PLEASE! MAKE THE PAIN STOP! Just two quick notes to any comic book writers out there:

1) Villians with toy-based weapons all bite big beef braunschwieger.

2) Villians with "clown" based themes also, with very rare exceptions, bit the other end of the same braunschweiger roll.

And before you burble "B-b-but...the Joker..." Fuck you. The Joker only works because he is generally handled only by good writers. A good writer can make a character work despite its inherent lameness. Remember B'wanna Beast the way Grant Morrison did him? Remember B'wana Beast the way anybody else did him? There. Y'see?

KALE, JENNIFER. Oooooooooh. Yeah, baby. That metal bustier looks cold; let me warm you up. (puts on a Barry White record and breaks out the Courvosier)

KANG. I'd like to offer another corallary to the purple=sucky evil equation. The only thing worse than purple with green is purple pinstriped fishing boots.

KARKAS. Proof that Kirby was mortal after all.

KARNAK. Is it just me, or does Karnak look like a kung fu Frenchman?

KA-ZAR: ...and his sidekick Tee-chah the Chimp.