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LUDIC LOG

I saw God on the Red Line train, southbound to the Loop. I was heading in to work; He got on at Fullerton, and stood right next to me. The train was really crowded -- it was a Tuesday right after a holiday -- so I couldn't really move away from Him, even though the light around His face was almost blinding me. He kept looking up at the transit map above the doors but it was half covered with cell phone ads.

"Excuse me," He said. He had a really deep voice. I guess you would call it booming. Like you would expect God to sound like, only I didn't know He was God at the time. "Can you tell Me if this train goes to Comiskey Park?"

"Uh, yeah," I said. I was trying to get a better look at Him but the light, or halo, or whatever it was, was really distracting. He didn't look dressed for the ballpark. He was wearing sandals and a light brown robe. "It's the 35th Street stop. You have a ways to go yet."

"Thanks," He replied. He sounded really friendly, even with that James Earl Jones voice.

I was a little curious, I have to admit, so I decided to chat Him up a little. Which is weird, because I never talk to strange people on the train. "Are you...you're not going to a game, are you?" I asked.

"I was thinking about it. Why? Do you think they'll be sold out?"

"Well, it's Tuesday morning. I think they only have games there at night. Plus, I'm not even sure they're in town."

"Aw." He sounded really disappointed. "Really? That's too bad. Are you sure?"

I shrugged noncommitally. "Not exactly. I'm actually a Cubs fan myself. I just know the Sox play a lot of night games."

He laughed a little bit, kind of a chuckle like you make at an inside joke. "A lot of people think I'm a Cubs fan, you know. I don't get that. I mean, you'd think they'd get the hint after a while. I don't even like baseball, to be honest with you. I just wanted to get a decent cheddarwurst."

"Uh...yeah." I wanted to get Him off the subject of baseball. Sox fans are so obnoxious. "Are you new in town, or...?"

"I don't live here. I'm on a trip. Hey, do they have that Ferris wheel at Navy Pier? That looks like fun."

"Oh, yeah. You gotta go to Navy Pier. It's a blast." I decided to go for it -- what are the odds I'd ever see Him again? "I'm Dave Shurrock." I put my hand out as best I could in the cramped quarters. "Attorney. With Landers, Dale & Dale."

"God," he said, taking the shake. He had a pretty good grip. Really firm and solid. A straight-shooter's handshake. "Creator of the universe."

"Like, the God?" I asked.

"Yep."

"Well..." I'd had my suspicions, but now that he'd admitted it, I was crazily beginning to doubt. "I mean, if you're God, how come you didn't know there was no Sox game today? I thought you were supposed to be, what do you call it, omniscient."

He blew a raspberry. "That's just P.R., Dave. It's like when you tell a client that you offer the best customer service. I mean, maybe you do and maybe you don't; how can you tell, right? But you say you do. Because what else are you gonna say, that you offer okay customer service?"

I looked Him up and down. I still couldn't see His face, but He didn't seem to be that old. He didn't have, like, a long flowing beard or anything. And he was sort of pudgy. I wouldn't have thought God would let Himself go like that. "Uh, if you don't mind asking," I started, hoping I didn't sound to disappointed, "What are You doing around here?"

Another shrug and a sort of low moue. "I'unno," He mumbled. "I'm really semi-retired, Dave. The universe pretty much runs itself these days. I don't have much to do with the day-to-day operations. Mostly, I just stick around to keep my nose in. They'll need me on the Day of Judgment, of course, but that's like 90 years from now. Oop!" He made a start. "Keep that one mum, if you don't mind."

"So...you're just sightseeing?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Tryin' to keep busy. Ski season is over, so, you know. Some of the older guys fish, but I can't stand it. Boring."

I was a little taken aback. "I mean...well, don't you...I'm surprised you don't take a more active interest in the, in things. In general."

"Dave," He asked -- He had that salesman's habit of saying your name a lot -- "I built this universe up from nothing. I put in My time. I made a nice little chunk of money off it, too. No one had done it up until that point. Everyone's doing it now. It's incredibly competitive, just really cut-throat. Everyone's making these little niche universes because there's not much room for growth anymore. To be honest, I'm glad I got out when I did. I don't know if I could make it in this atmosphere. But I succeeded, did what I set out to do. Now I'm just enjoying it. Same thing you'd do if you made partner, I bet. Not that I'm saying that's gonna happen, hint hint." He beamed. By which I mean actual beams streamed out of where His face would be.

"Well...so, I mean, don't you care what people do anymore? If they're obeying Your commands, and so on?"

"Naaah. The Deists -- you ever hear of the Deists, Dave?" I shook my head. "No? Well, anyway, they were right. I got other things to think about, you know. The guy who owns McDonald's doesn't care what every schmuck of a fry cook is doing."

"Wow." I had a lot of other stuff I wanted to ask Him, but Washington was the next stop, and I had a whole slate of cases to work on. "Hey, listen, can I give you my card, or anything?"

"Nah, there's no pockets in this thing anyway," he said, resignedly pulling at His shift. "But look, if I ever need anything, you seem like a sharp kid. Maybe I'll look you up."

My eyes must have gotten as big as the moon, as the train clattered to a stop and I struggled to keep the door from closing. "Really?" I cried.

"No, not really," He laughed, just before the hydraulic hiss. "Good luck with that partnership!"

I quit going to church after that. My wife still bugged me about going, but I could just see what He would have thought about it. A few months after I made partner, my sister said she saw God on a Metra train when she was coming in for a Bears game, but she said it was this total hippie. That couldn't have been Him.