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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: Inspired by Phil Nugent's response (here)
to this
stupid thing (here).
Also,
only three days until the best girl in
the world comes to town.
"Millard Fillmore crazy" "Starfire's boob" "collateral band in San Francisco" "you suck emotion" "Riefenstahl vermin" "before I gave up soda" "boy contortionist" "Bizarro World U.S. officials" |
11.09.2004
It's been six days since John Kerry conceded. No, wait, five days. What day is it? Is today Wednesday? Oh, it's Tuesday. Huh, it feels like a Wednesday to me. Anyway, all I see, hear, and read from you Democrats is that you think you lost (losers! ha ha) on "moral issues". According to everything I can be bothered to look up, you think that all we Bush voters wanted was to keep the homos from getting hitched. Well, darn it, nothing could be further from the truth. Many Bush voters -- I'll use myself as an example, because I like to think of myself as the kind of person who represents broad social trends -- didn't want to vote for Bush. Many Bush voters (again, I'm assuming I can speak for a lot of us, because let's face it, I have that jus'folks quality so valued in a swing voter) were gravely uncertain about our choice and cast our vote in fear, hesitation, and terror. And frankly, it's not easy to vote for someone who makes you afraid, trepidatious and paralytic with fright. But we did it anway. Why? Because you let us down. Many of us would have given our left arms for a Democrat we could have supported. Or our left leg. I dunno, I think I'd rather lose a leg than an arm, although according to my insurance company you get the same amount for either. Isn't that crazy? An arm has a hand, and all a leg has is a foot! Anyway, I'm getting off the subject here. My point is, I am a young and idealistic (some might say naive, but those people are just the sort of negative Nellies who made this election such a downer) woman who has not yet realized the meaning of the word "compromise", and faced with a choice between Mussolini and Jimmy Carter, I would vote for Il Duce because Carter wasn't JFK, and at least the other guy could make the trains run on time. I fancy this is a pretty sophisticated analysis! I hope it gets spread all over the internet. Before I get to my specific objections, let me give you some background about me, because I like talking about myself. I'm young, relatively successful, and available (wink wink, fellas! But I'm straight, so none of your dirty backdoor shenanigans). I think abortion is gross even though my friends are all rape victims or the parents of mutants. I live in the south and am very defensive about it, and in college I learned to use phrases like "painful ambivalence". I have gay friends and poor friends and black friends, and I think reading Dilbert makes me edgy and reading Harry Potter books makes me literate. I am guilty about doing certain things, but not so guilty that I won't do them. I use the phrase "radical middle" as if it means something, and I like to go out of my way to seem like a centrist even though I voted for the most extremist, right-wing president in the history of America. Here is why you didn't get my vote: 1. Your position on the issues confused me. I watch the news and listen to that station that sounds like a Jerry Lewis telethon and I still couldn't figure out what John Kerry's position on, uh, let's say, Iraq was. I suppose I could have just written to the DNC and asked them for clarification, or watched one of the debates, but I am a very busy woman. If I can't figure out your position from watching one of your opponent's campaign commercials, you've lost me! 2. You didn't convince me that John Kerry would protect me against terror. You made me think you would treat it like a crime, which admittedly worked quite well for eight years under Clinton, but he got a blowjob and lied about it, so what does he know? If Kerry wanted my vote, he should have promised to invade some more countries. 3. You made me mad by constantly reminding me that John Kerry was a Viet Nam War hero. I only want to hear about war heroics that are happening right now, not some stupid war that we didn't even win! 4. You frightened and confused me with all your talk about not alienating our allies. Who cares what some snooty French snobs think about the way we fought Iraq? What do they know about combating Arab terrorism? We didn't need anyone's help to win WWII as far as I know, and we don't need anyone's help now. When I was a little girl, I learned that you should be yourself and not worry about what other people think, and I assume that applies to completely different situations like, say, fighting a war. 5. You upset me by implying that some rich people are unduly priveleged by government policy despite already having been insanely overrewarded in life. That's class warfare! Even though I don't remember any of the candidates actually saying this, I do know that Democrats (despite being rich east coast elitist snobs) hate success and are always trying to punish it through confiscatory taxation. Like most fatally deluded libertarian types, I am quite certain that I will be rich someday, and when that happens, I don't want some bureaucratic crumb-bum stealing half of it and telling me I'm a bad person. 6. I'm sick and tired of people who compared Bush to Hitler. First of all, that's mean. Second of all, that sort of politics of division and destruction is pure poison, and even though it was a technique pioneered by and practiced on a daily basis by the G.O.P., even though it's how the Republicans have won their last three presidential elections, even though Karl Rove got to be one of the most important people in America by doing it, it's really unbecoming when a Democrat does it. Third, once more, no one in the actual Kerry campaign said anything like that, or supported anyone who said it, but I heard some Black Bloc guys say it at a coffee shop and I never once heard Terry McAuliffe renounce them. And finally, it's totally inaccurate -- it's hysterical emotional manipulation to compare Bush to Hitler except in their very few shallow surface resemblances, such as starting an unjust war of aggression under false pretenses, flagrantly disregarding the facts to pursue their fanatical ideological agenda, and demonstrating a great deal of contempt for the democratic process. 7. Air America Radio hurt my feelings. I tried really hard to vote for Kerry. I really did. There he was, representing all the liberal values I claim believe in -- higher wages, better working conditions, progressive social values, opportunity, and a fair shake for those who need help -- and yet I couldn't find a single thing he stood for! So, I voted for the guy who stands for everything I claim to hate, because at least he stands for something. It reminded me of that time in college when I asked two of my friends what they wanted to do. Bill said "I'm not sure. We could do one of several things: a movie, dinner, going to a concert -- let's talk about it." And Tom said "I'm going to feed you Rohypnol and rape you in a toilet." Well, faced with that decision, what would you do? I wonder whatever happened to Tom. Sincerely, A Very Dumb American |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Do not feel shame at being helped. It is your purpose to perform the task before you, as a soldier does in a siege. What if you, being lame, cannot reach the battlements alone but can do so with another's assistance?" (Marcus Aurelius) |